Just 40 Days

I was thinking today that a mother who loses a child or really anyone who loses someone has a hole in their heart that cannot be filled.  I don't know how else to explain why my joy is less than what it was before the loss.  I say this because I've been relatively happy lately...or so I thought.  I think the problem I'm having is that I know that my heart has been full of more joy.  Perhaps it is leaking out of the hole from the loss of Haylee.  I try to remind myself that the hole will get smaller and the joy will come back.  I know this to be true because of the other losses I have had in my life.  So I will have to be content with the level of joy I achieve.  I have to be grateful that I have it.  I remind myself that my heart is a miracle and will heal with time, love, and prayers. A beating heart is a sign of life.  A leaking heart is a sign of love and loss.  A joyful heart is a blessing from God.  Count your blessi...

I like getting my teeth cleaned.  It's like getting a massage in your mouth! I love how smooth my teeth feel afterwards.  It is a happy day when the dentist does not have any additional work to do and says he'll see me in six months.  Haylee loved to get her teeth cleaned too.  I think of her enjoying the process as I sit through my cleaning.  It makes me feel close to her.

Aiden doing his thing. Why do dogs roll around in the fresh spring grass and smell the spot to make sure it's right?  Why did only three daffodils bloom where dozens have bloomed in years past?  Why do beautiful young girls look in a mirror and see fat when clearly they're perfect? How bright are forsythia pedals?  How many flowers are blooming on the tree in my backyard? These are my thoughts on my drive home from the ymca tonight.   The one in the middle, about the young girl really disturbs me.   There was a beautiful girl running on the treadmill when I came in.  Later she asked me if I could help her with the scale.  She smiled as she got off, when it showed her at 118 pounds.  She said that she used to weigh 130.  I asked her how much she wanted to weigh and she said 95! After asking where the gym was, she stumbled out the door.  She was pale and I asked her to sit on the stairs and wait while I got help.  Apparen...

The hardest part of my workout is walking out the door and heading to the gym.  Once I'm in the fitness center or at the park I have a very good chance of making my heart race for 30 minutes or more.  Today was no different, as I sat in the chair in my living room after dinner thinking "my get up and go, got up and went"... I forced myself to get in the car and head to the YMCA. I managed to get in two miles of cardio with 10 minutes of strength training.  I am grateful for my ymca membership.  I am fortunate to teach a weekly teen orientation class that helps pay for it.  I remember when I use to workout for at least one hour and usually two on Saturday mornings, but for now 30-60 minutes is enough to reduce stress and burn a few calories.  Have you gotten your heart rate up today?  Get up and move!

I have two sons and three brothers.  They have more in common than shared parents and grandparents.  They both lost their sister by a tragic accident.  Both of the sister's lost were in between the brothers in age. That means, some lost their younger sister and some lost their big sister.  They all lost their friend. The relationships in my family are at times loving, competitive, or strained. So I can say that they're complicated.  I pray that all of them survive the growing pains they are going through today.  As a parent, I know that all of my children love and support each other.  I hope that they would always be friends as God intended.  I know that my father wants the same for his very large and mixed family.  I miss my mother's wisdom in times like this.  I am grateful for the forsythia that is blooming so bright.  Yellow like the sunshine.  I am happy to see the tulips and daffodils showing off their colors. ...

Today, my niece Natalie will marry her friend Clint.    The family will gather to celebrate as we always do.  My brother is in from PA and my nephew flew in from FL.  I'm grateful that the weatherman has changed his prediction to a dry, but cold day, as the 100% rain will stay south of us. The wedding will take place indoors but the reception is outdoors. (High of 45 degrees today...brrrr) Big family gatherings are a time to celebrate living and a time that I miss those who are no longer with us.  My mom's sister, Aunt Dorothy, will be reading at the Mass.  She is Natalie's god mother and looks and awful lot like my mom.  It will be good to see her.  I am sure my brother is anxious to walk his oldest child down the aisle.  I pray that all goes well and that we get a heat wave!

Every day we go through the motions of life... We really don't realize, especially when it's happening...but life is good. I can say this with all of my heart...I trully believe that life is good...and when I look for it..IT"S there!  The GOOD.  Can you see IT?  God gives us what we need to make us better. Have you looked for IT today?

I think the best people in the world are those that can laugh at themselves.  Laughing is good for the soul.  It's healthy.  It's contagious.  It makes me smile just writing about it. During the month of April, our school is focusing on the life skill of having a sense of humor.  Making light of situations is a great way to cope with the things you are going through.  And if you can find a way to laugh at it, the situation may not get you down. I am blessed to find the good and to especially find the humor in the awkward and sometimes painful situations I have lived through in my life's journey.

In a an effort to help me to stay positive and not dread going through the first anniversary of Haylee's accident and untimely death, I knew that I had to focus on all the good that happens everyday in, on, or around me.  It has been 16 days and I can tell you, that it is really helping.  I am taking better care of myself and I am interacting and listening better to others.  In fact, today I felt more joyful at work as I congratulated, consoled, or helped my coworkers.  I had a serious conversation with my granddaughter about love and self-control that ended with a rhyming game.  Carly really is a sweet, smart, funny, and beautiful eight year old third grader. (As noted by her grandmother.) And finally, I even took my headset off at the ymca and shared comments about the first inning of the Detroit vs. NYY's baseball game with the person pedaling on the bike next to me.   After playing with Aiden, and watching all of the crazy funny family shows on...

Today I was fortunate to spend 15 minutes in a suana.  I was also blessed with a visit with an old friend. I am lucky to have good friends: ones that remember me after years; ones that make me go to the ymca when I don't want to; and ones that give me a hug just because they're happy to see me.  When I think about friendship, I'm reminded that I have to be a friend, to have a friend.  I have to take care of me, in order to be able to care for my friends.  Time in a suana is good for my health!   "The sauna… Is an apotheosis of all experience: Purgatory and paradise; earth and fire; fire and water; sin and forgiveness.  It is lyrical ecstasy.  It is resurrection from the dead.  It is eternal new birth… You are healed, you are made new."   --  Constance Malleson

I love it when I get eight hours of sleep!  Ever since one of my favorite TV shows changed to 10 instead of 9, I head to bed shortly after 9 on Sundays.  This allows me to get my eight hours in.  Listening to the rain fall against the window helped me to fall asleep faster.  I love listening to the rain.  The repetitiveness is so calming. I stretched and got up for the day.  I wish I could stretch like my dog Aiden though - he takes his time, insuring every muscle is ready for his day.  As the hazelnut coffee was filling the kitchen with its earthy aroma, I cracked my egg into the pan and lo and behold...a double yolk!  It's going to be a great day!

Resurrection Cemetery Dear Haylee, To think that just 365 days ago, we placed you in your final resting place.  A place where we can come visit  and remember all of the things that made you so special.  I remember when we chose your urn.  Justine and I knew from the moment we saw it, it was the one for you...beautiful like you.  The cross is the one that Jordyn bought you for Justine's wedding.  The 'farewell' frog, was picked out by your dad and Justine.  There is a shoebox filled with memories hidden behind it. I am so grateful for everyone who came together to celebrate your life.  Hundreds of people were at the funeral and even more came to the funeral home the night before.  I'm thankful for the people who chose to remember you at the place of your accident and the place where you worked.  Now there are more places for people to visit and remember you.  You were so blessed to have so many who loved you. On Route ...

Last night I headed to bed at my normal, a little before 10 pm, time and slept until 7 am.  I feel so refreshed when I really get a good night's sleep.  I look out the window and find delight in watching my dog Aiden, as he snoops and smells his way around the green grass.  I actually mowed the tall parts of grass yesterday afternoon. (Why doesn't it grow evenly in the spring?) The large magnolia tree in my yard is blooming and I can smell it's sweetness.  It's going to be a great day.  Amazingly, I have a lot to be grateful for this morning:  a good night's sleep, green grass, sweet smelling tree, and a weather forecast of 70 degrees!

Today was the last of 13 days of standardize testing at the school where I work.  I helped to run nearly 60 test sessions that all of our students in grades K-8 used to take the tests required for their grade level.  All day I had been waiting for this moment and now it is here and it feels good! And to top off the moment, the weather is beautiful!  I can't wait to get home to change into shorts and head to the park with my dog Aiden.  (After I take a quick after school power nap.)

Dear Haylee, At this time last year, we were having your funeral Mass .  It was one week after the accident which ended your life as you were walking your dog.  I wonder if I will always be reminded twice each year; once on the day - the Wednesday of Holy Week and on the date - 4/16.  If so, how can I turn those two times into a blessing? I know one way. Find all of the things that I'm grateful for about you and think about them: The 30 years I had with you. Your beautiful smile. Your sense of humor and your generosity & kindness. The way you could style your hair.  How you made fun of my style.  Sunday night poop talks.  You really were a funny girl!  It gives me peace knowing you are in heaven with all of the other angels especially your Grandma Herman and your Aunt Barb.  I miss you all. Love, Mom

UGH!!! That is how I feel!  I keep trying to shake the grouchiness I have, but I'm not having any luck.  It's tax day and I am grateful I have already written my check...in fact, it cleared the bank yesterday.  The weather has been pretty good lately so I've been able to walk Aiden at the park.  I enjoy it but he has not because of the track meet at the high school close by.  Both yesterday and today, we've walked around the same time as the meet would be ending - 2 events left - the 200 meter and the 4 by 400 relay.  (I know this because Paul ran the 4 by 400 when he was in high school.)  Anyhow, the reason Aiden hasn't liked the walk is  because of the starting gun for the two hundred.  It's so close to where we walk that it scares him just like fireworks.  He practically runs to the car so that he can go home.  So our walk has been cut short two days in a row.  I have to figure out how to avoid scaring him and getting...

Sometimes it's really hard to see the good in the day.  Even when I haven't had a bad day, I do not see the good.  I think it's because I'm not looking for good or more likely, I'm taking it for granted. So today, I really have to think about the good that I've had.  Here is a list: I woke up The temperature was warm enough to not wear a coat. It wasn't raining. I have employment. I have transportation. I have out of state license plates on my car - which I believe sometimes makes other drivers kinder to me. Derrick knows how to cook - I hardly ever have to make dinner anymore as he does all the cooking! I don't mind doing the dishes.  (He doesn't often clean up after he cooks!) It's Tuesday so NCIS is on CBS  (Who doesn't like to watch Mark Harmon?)  Even though he jumps on me (& others), my dog Aiden is pretty good dog! I find it interesting that my list began with the obvious and ended up more personal.  Finding gratit...

Today was the first day back to school after Easter/Spring break.  I was busier than usual, hardly sat down all day.  My Up app showed that I walked over 6000 steps before 2 o'clock.  That's double my average steps at work.  I pretty happy about that because I don't know if I'll make it to the YMCA today as my calendar is filled until 8:00 pm. I had to drive into Swanton after work, a drive that seems to take longer each time I have to go there.  Once I get there, I'm okay.  I always drive by the little memorial for Haylee on route 64.  I was happy to see that someone left a pot of tulips for her.  I wonder if they will get planted.  My friend Paula gave me a pot of tulips for her last year.  I planted them in the back yard.  They should be blooming within two weeks.  I love spring flowers in the yard.  They are a reminder of new life.  They show resilience to the weather and they come back every year. On the lo...

It doesn't happen often, but today I was blessed to have hugged all of my children.  I was even able to stop by to visit Haylee after Carly's soccer game, so I was able to tell them all that I loved them.  I am grateful for having a relationship with my children.  We don't always agree but we always love.    As I left the lake this afternoon, with the sun shining as usual, I decided to take the route home that allows me to see more of the lake.  It was like getting a hug from the lake.  When I got home, my dog Aiden greeted me with kisses and jumping on me - perhaps that's his hug.  I, like all other human beings, need hugs.  No matter how old we are, or how big we get, we need hugs. How often do we forget to take the time to hug someone?

Dear Haylee, I really didn't know what would happen today or how I would feel. That means, it was really, just like any other day...except that it was the anniversary of your passing into heaven.  I thought about you most of the day and tried to renew a sense of peace that you're gone. I am thankful that you no longer will have kidney stones.  I remember how awful they were.  I am so happy that you are with Aunt Barb, Grandma, and Uncle Gary.  In fact, there are so many fun people up in heaven with you.  (I may be just a little jealous that you get to be with them!) I am glad that God made a paradise for us to go to after our life here on earth. I am happy for you.  Love Mom

Today I was blessed to spend the day with my youngest grandchild, Skylar. She is happy 99% of the time.  She is funny and smart.  (I'm not kidding!)  I am lucky for her demanding my attention and keeping me smiling with her contagious laugh. I am so grateful for naps.  While Skylar naps, I get to catch up on adult things and still have time for my power nap.  I'm also thankful for the new gates on the deck of this lake house.  It's like having a fenced in yard.  Both Skylar and the dogs are safe. I am giving thanks for the sunshine we had for most of the day and for the stroller we took a walk with throughout the neighborhood. I'm grateful that I thought of focusing this blog on gratitude as I truly believe I would've spent this week in a state of sadness and gloom.  I am grateful for the time I had with Haylee.  Her smile was as contagious as Skylar's.

I can't help but to think of Haylee walking her dog last year, on April 9th at dusk, which was a little after 8 p.m.  It was a beautiful spring day with blue skies and nearly 70 degrees.  I'm sure she was happy walking along with her dog Lola.  I am grateful that she was happy. So as I sit here, alone with the dogs at Lake Wawasee, I was considering a walk the dogs at dusk event in memory of Haylee and Lola. Just like Haylee's neighborhood, they don't have sidewalks here at Wawasee. So, I am grateful for sidewalks that keep people safe.  I'm also glad for dogs who keep people company...especially those who are alone alot like Haylee and me.  And lastly, I'm grateful that I came up with four things to be grateful for on this first anniversary.

Day two of Forty Days of Gratitude. As I sat on the couch, watching Agents of Shield on hulu plus, (thanks to the George's) and listening to the rain,  I wondered what to have for dinner.  I didn't feel like cooking much and Derrick had a late lunch.  So I looked and Carly and said what about pancakes?   Her eyes lit up as she shouted 'brinner!'  I am grateful for pancakes for dinner, aka, brinner and the sparkle in the eyes of my granddaughter at the mere mention of them.  We really enjoyed those jiffy mix pancakes and log cabin syrup as it had been a long time since we made them for breakfast or anytime. I'm also thankful for the talented staff I work with at St. Pat's.  They help to make the work day fun.  I am also so very lucky to have my cousin Bill work with me once a week.  His years of experience in technology are a godsend.  And lastly, I'm grateful for hair color!  I remember my mom coloring her hair, clairol sunlit...

As I was driving to the YMCA tonight, I was thinking about what to write in this blog.  I thought that it was time to focus on the good in my life for the next forty days.  Now I know that I have not always stayed true to my forty day focal points.  In fact, I can't even remember some of them without looking through and reading the titles of my posts.  But I will not let that interfere with the task at hand: being grateful. I believe it to be a good thing for me to set a minimum of four things that I am grateful for each day.  I certainly can have more than four, but I imagine, that on some days, I may struggle with finding them.  Day 1:  I am glad for my YMCA membership as it gets me out of the house and makes me focus on my body and the task of taking care of me.  I also appreciate all of the different shapes and sizes of the people I see there.  They help me to remember that we are all different, yet wonderfully designed.  To...

I am a chocolate covered potato. Today is the day after Easter, which means that I am eating leftovers...leftover cheesy potatoes and Hershey's chocolate, although not at the same time.  I had reheated cheesy potatoes topped with salsa for lunch and dinner.  I had the chocolate pieces in between. I will not lie to you and say that I feel good.  I do not.  I feel bloated - probably due to the lack of fiber in my diet.  I will say that I did take Aiden for a two mile walk and plan to get to the YMCA soon.  (Derrick believes I will not make it as I would already be there if I was going.)  I believe there is still hope as I've changed my shoes and just received a text from my neighbor saying she will be going to the Y in thirty minutes!  Thank you Gretchen for saving my slug of a chocolate butt! So back to the chocolate that I have been consuming for three days.  If only I could have one piece.  I am a chocoholic.  Specifically,...

Last Easter, was my first day at Lake Wawasee.  I was fortunate to be able to take some time with myself to process the events of Haylee's passing.  I did not attend an Easter service then.  In fact, my attendance at St. Catherine has been terrible.  I spend Sunday's at home and choose to watch Mass on TV and mail in my tithe. Today I returned to church, and I was reminded of all the people in my neighborhood that pray together each Sunday.  I saw faces that I hadn't seen since the funeral home.  I saw faces of the people who pray for me.  Tears ran down my face and Mass hadn't even begun yet. During the homily, I was reminded that death ends all suffering.  I remembered how knowing this, this end of suffering, allowed me to find the strength I needed to let go of Haylee.  Sometimes I forget this fact and I'm sucked into my own sufferings.  I feel sorry for myself when I have responsibilities to fill, like things pertaining to Haylee...

I was doing some cleaning to prepare the house for Easter and ventured out into the garage and decide to clear out some things.  First came the leaves that had blown in throughout the winter.  I used a medium push broom for that.  It was then that I realize that there were four different brooms in the garage and none of them were like the one in the house. The garage has two push brooms, a old straw broom, and a short kid size one that I think went with the fireplace tools.  Different tools for different jobs, yet all called brooms.  This made me think of people.  We all look different, have different jobs, think our own thoughts and yet we are all the same, having been created in the image of God.  People are full of purpose, just like brooms.  Like brooms though, most people need to have others see their potential and put them to use.  Like brooms, some are discarded only to be found useful years later.  People are much more than...

Lent ends when the evening Mass of the Lord’s Supper on Holy Thursday begins, because the Mass of the Lord’s Supper ushers in the Holy Triduum, a liturgical season in its own right and the shortest of the liturgical year.  So last night I reinstalled my facebook apps.  I had to change my password as I couldn't remember what it was. As my morning routine returns, drinking coffee and reading status', I am reminded how much time I take to stay in touch through facebook.  I must say I missed knowing what was going on.  I sometimes felt like a burden to others as I asked questions about the goings on of life.  They wanted me to get my own information from facebook.  The power of social networking through the internet is grand.  And I believe it is useful and mostly good.  It is when we stop asking questions in person, or praying for change or strength or to give thanks for the good things we have, that technology interferes with our spirit. Du...

Today is Holy Thursday, the day we remember Jesus' Last Supper with his disciples.  He said:  Do this in memory of me. I visited several cemeteries today.  One of the graves I visited was that of Bishop Bob; his stone reads from Ezekiel about being a good shepherd: I will search for the lost and bring back the strays...I looked for and found the stone of my friend Sandi and some others,  who are also at Resurrection Cemetery with Haylee. I looked for the celtic cross stone of Fr. Tom Quinn but Calvary Cemetery is so large and filled with many celtic cross stones, that I only know where my grandparents lie...near the fence with a flat head stone.  I need to research more to find so many of my relatives there.  I know where my mom and my sister reside by heart.  They are each at different cemeteries. I always say hi to them as I drive by them on I280 or Central/Talmage, if I don't have time to go in. Do this in memory of me...is that what cemeter...

Today is the Wednesday of Holy Week.  At this time last year, we were all gathering at St. Patrick of Heatherdowns Church for Haylee's funeral Mass.  During the Mass, we signed Haylee's name into the Book of Remembrance.  The Mass was followed by a luncheon and then everyone went home.  Because it was Holy Week, we could not  have burial services.  We had to wait until Saturday. I miss you Haylee.