Just 40 Days

Today I took a road trip with two of my sisters, Rosi and Margaret.  The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and it was less than 20 degrees outside.  I picked them up and we headed south/west to Lake Wawasee to visit the George's.  Neither Rosi nor Margaret had been to the lake before.  The scenery was quite brown and uneventful.  We laughed alot and learned alot as we googled all of our ailments and anything else we were talking about.  Two hours and twenty minutes later we arrived. We were greeted by barking dogs and a fussy Skylar. After the tour of the place - checking out their Christmas tree and DIY fireplace in process, we headed somewhere for lunch. I haven't had that much fun with my sisters in a long time.  Three cheers and farewell to 2014!

Today I wrote the words that I have been debating about for over a month. It took me a couple of hours but it was well worth it.  The envelope is sealed on its way to the recipients.  I feel so much better!

Who Am I or What Defines Me?  I've been pondering these questions lately as I struggled, consumed by the loss of Haylee.  I decided a few days ago that her death does not define me.  Just as her birth did not define me.  Sure both of these events added to my life.  In fact, they are major events in my life and will always have a profound effect on how I look out into the world.  Life events help mold us into who we are. My sister Rosi said something the other day about suffering.  If we do not suffer, we do not grow. We do not change.  We stay the same and expect things to be different.  When will we realize that things are always the same and it is we, as human beings, that are different?  Everyone acts or reacts to the events in their lives in some way.  I always have choices - we all do. What will I do with the events in my life today?  How will I let them mold me?  Growing up is hard work and I don't ever want to stop!

“In a world often marked by egoism, a large family is a school of solidarity and of mission that’s of benefit to the entire society,” Pope Francis said.  “Every family is a cell of society,” the pope said, “but large families are richer and more vital cells.”  I belong to a very large family.  Both of my parents are the youngest of six children and they gave birth to eight children.  I am third and I gave birth to four children.  Currently, I have three grandchildren. Last night we all met to celebrate Christmas with my dad.  There were over 50 of us present!  We had lots of fun and enjoyed each other.  We may not always agree with or even like each other, but we love our dad and we love each other.  We have suffered alot of together. The pope also said that when families “breathe the air of faith together, they can face difficult challenges together.” He said the example of the Holy Family, meaning Mary, St. Joseph, and the infant Jesus, “inspires us to offer human warmth t

Today is Christmas at my dad's house.  We are all supposed to bring something.  I'm bringing green bean casserole.  My brother Chuck stopped by to use my oven to make a pie.  He had already made two with graham cracker crust, but wanted a baked crust version of the cherry cream cheese pie that my sister Barb always brought to share at Christmas. Chuckie and his friend Christine arrived in town from Pennsylvania  the day after Christmas.  It was nice to have time to visit with him before the big crowd at dad's house.  Chuck always has a story and will always make me laugh.

Tonight we joined thousands of other people and went to the Toledo Zoo for their Lights Before Christmas display...and to use the 14 ride passes that I earned from the Dart Frog Dash this spring.  These frog lights have always been a favorite.  They are located near the elephants.

I've been feeling blue this Christmas...teal blue that is.  I joke about it, but I admit to not knowing how things would be this first Christmas without Haylee.  I have to say, it went okay. I tried to have my family together, make a nice dinner, and invite my siblings over in the evening to help us all stay busy as we make it through the day.  The day started well before dawn...babies will do that to you.  We made breakfast at nine and opened presents at 10:00 am.  I think it was the longest morning in Carly's life! She, my eight year old granddaughter, had a great christmas.   We all did!

I don't think I've ever gone shopping on Christmas Eve.  But, this  year, I did.  I didn't need anything specific, but Justine did, so we went together.  She arrived yesterday and slept in my room.  She reminded me how uncomfortable my bed is. So, I gave her and Steve (and myself) an early present of a Serta gel memory foam mattress topper.  I can't wait until they leave in three days so I can try it!

Today, my daughter Justine and her family (Steve, Skylar and two dogs: Roxy & Hurley) will be arriving to celebrate the holidays.  So I've been cleaning things around the house. Not to worry...I didn't go overboard...nor did I have to as the house was pretty clean already.  I only had to do bathrooms and my bedroom.  I decided to move to the single bed and share the room with Skylar and the pack-n-play.  Steve and Justine get my room. 

During December, I indulge myself.   I love cookies!  I love them so much that I choose cookies over my favorite adult beverage.  After all, I can have adult beverages anytime of year while some of the cookies I see in December only come around once every twelve months. The calories between the two are similar: ranging between 100-150 calories for a small cookie or for a pint.  The problem is, I cannot have just one cookie nor pace myself to one per 40 minutes like an adult beverage.  And so, I must move my body through space more.  I take laps around the school and even worked out twice today.  Will power is not much of an option when it comes to cookies.  I was once asked:  What is your favorite cookie?  My response: the one I am eating!

My heart has been so heavy these days.  If I'm not crying, I'm just glum.  I know that this is all normal - as if losing a child is normal - but now I'm feeling guilty.  Do you want to know what I feel guilty of? I feel guilty that I think Haylee's death was a blessing.  I feel guilty because I see the good, that she is no longer suffering.  As I write this, I know that, although they are my feelings of guilt, they may not be rationale.  Seeing the good in all things has always been a blessing to me and my ability to cope with things that I don't understand.  Why in the world would I feel guilty about that?

Perspective is a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.  This year has given me a new one.  Even though I've always tried to put myself in someone else's shoes to see their side of things, I think I only put one of their shoes on.  It seems that my attempts to filling the hole that losing Haylee has left in my soul have left me wanting. I want to fill it with caring and empathy towards others.  It's like I now have a deeper capacity for love.  --- Life is a mystery.

I am employed by an elementary school.  It is the last week of school before Christmas.  I have been waiting for this day as much as the students have been.  I wish every week was the week before Christmas...said NO Teacher EVER!!!

The most difficult moments in life are giving someone a hug when you need it the most yourself; fighting off the tears in your eyes to wipe off someone else's; listening to someone's grief when you want your misery to be heard; and being the reason for someone's smile when you know your smile is lost.

I love peanut butter.  I love chocolate.  So of course my favorite candy is a Reese's peanut butter cup.  But at this time of year, another favorite comes around: the buckeye.  The only problem with buckeyes is that not everyone makes them the same. Some are really creamy.  Others are just too big.  Once I sampled a really dry batch.  I also see them in bulk at grocery stores.  (Personally, I find those are the ones I like the least.) I really like my sister Margaret's buckeyes.  I heard she isn't making them this year!  Oh the horror!  She must!  Please comment below to tell her to rethink this and to make some Christmas buckeyes!

A treat for me...a pedicure!  I have been feeling a bit blue and the comfort food of peanut butter toast is not good for my waist line.  So I called my hairdresser, Michelle.  She's been doing my hair for over 10 years.  She was a friend of Haylee's and Haylee would buy me gift certificates for my birthday and Christmas.  She gave me a little Christmas cheer!

I weigh myself on Mondays...I'm holding steading at 180 pounds which is 25 pounds too much.  It's December 15 and I have attended at least six holiday buffets so far this season.  At work today, we were provided lunch and then an after school gathering.  It is my goal to remain 180 pounds or less during the month.  So I'm off to the YMCA to burn a couple hundred calories...which is about the equivalent of one Christmas cookie!  

  You can fool others, sometimes even yourself, but God always knows your truth.  Everyday I wake up and I that's a good thing!  I go through my routine of putting on my slippers, letting the dog out, and making coffee.  Then I sit at the counter in my kitchen and tweet a thought for the day.  As I eat breakfast, I play words with friends, dice with buddies, and then check facebook to see how my friends are feeling today.   The first hour of my day is done.    I never know what the rest of the day will bring.  I just try to be present in it.  I think of Haylee often, almost constantly.  I wonder if I will always feel this way.

It's not often that dates are in sequential order.  But that's what today's date is.  It's as if something magical or special should occur.  I think it's good for people to believe that.  As they set out to make special of a special date, their day will become magical.  After all, life is what you make it.

Whether it's advent or anticipation, waiting for Christmas is not always easy.  According to my Merriam Webster, anticipation is a feeling of excitement about something that is going to happen or the act of preparing for something.  As gifts are emphasized during this times, anticipation is high.   Children have trouble with the patience part of the art of anticipation..  Whether they are on the giving or receiving end of gift giving, that want to either tell you what they will give you or they want to know what you are giving them. The gift is the anticipation.

After school today, Carly and I went to my dad's new house to help arrange photos of their 11 children and 29 grandchildren on the wall above the couch in their office/den room.  The 11 (dad's 8 + Pat's 3) photos are in 8X10 frames while the grandkids are 5x7 photos arranged in groups of 3 or 4. After about two hours, we finally got them all up...the frames at least.  As we need the correct photos for a half dozen relatives.

Responsible: having an obligation to do something, or having control over or care for someone, as part of one's job or role. I am responsible for many things whether I am at work or at home.  I don't always like it.  Sometimes, I do not want to be responsible.  I want to slack off or not care or just be the opposite of responsible.

"We're on the island of misfit toys..."  aka the planet earth!  I love Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.  It is celebrating 50 years. I love to watch as Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon struggle for acceptance as the unique individuals they are. They overcome enormous obstacles and mean people by sticking together and being true to themselves.  Somehow, watching their story, makes my life seem easy.

It's been nearly eight months or over 240 days since Haylee went to heaven.  I took Aiden for a walk in our neighborhood around 7:00 tonight to look at the Christmas lights.  I was thinking of Haylee, walking her dogs around this same time.  Only it was spring and the days were longer so it was approaching dusk while tonight was pretty darn dark. I have been battling the grieving process lately.  It seems that I'm continuously sad.  Last night I woke up around 3:00 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep until after 4:30.  My mind was thinking about some family members that are truly angry.  Angry to the point of being hateful.  I'm trying to understand their grief, as I know that all of us that knew and loved Haylee are grieving.  Each of us are chugging along to accepting the loss of her at our own pace.  I was losing sleep because I didn't want the words we say to cause us to lose the living family members we still have. I wrote and rewrote a letter in my head t

Here it is, the 2nd Sunday of Advent and I haven't even gotten out my advent wreath!  Oh, I lost all of my purple and pink candles in my house fire four years ago and never replaced them. So I probably haven't used it since then although I still have the wreath. How could I have forgotten this tradition in my blog yesterday?  Even though it begins at the end of the calendar year, Advent is the first season of the liturgical year for most Christians.  It begins four Sundays before Christmas. My parents used an advent wreath - each Sunday we would light the next candle and read from the bible.   That reminds me of another tradition - the 'Bible Vigil'.  I'll save those stories for another time.

Today is the feast of St. Nicholas.  When my kids were little, and sometimes still, they would put their shoes out on the night before St. Nick's Day (Dec. 5) and their shoes would be filled with candy and a small Christmas themed toy or decoration. Now that they're grown, St. Nicholas Day festivities seem to only happen at school, where each student puts out one shoe. My son and granddaughter Carly have their own tradition.  They adopted an elf on a shelf.  Her name is Sparkle. What ever happened to advent Calendars?  As a kid, I remember getting them in church - the paper kind that you opened a door each day and it revealed a surprise.  When I became a mother, I purchased a more permanent one, made of fest with pockets.  Each of the 25 pockets held an ornament that was placed on the tree above it. (It large and I hung it on a door.) 

It is the first Friday of December and I will be hosting my annual Ladies Night Out Ornament Exchange.  A night when my friends join me at my house for fellowship, food, and fun.  We play a game of exchange via a 'chinese auction' although it's not really an auction at all.  It's a way to open, steal, or receive a new ornament.  I learned about this type of party while living in Virginia Beach as the wife of a Naval Officer.   Our husbands were deployed and the wives got together for some fun. After divorcing and moving back home to Toledo, I started up a tradition of my own.  I've been doing this for over 23 years!  (I didn't have one four years ago, due to the fire in my house in 2010. This year, I'm feeling a little blue and decorated my tree with blue accents.  It turned out great!  The rest of the house is decorated and this evening 20-30 of my friends and family will join in the festivities. 

I turn 54 years old today.  Birthdays are days when people wish you well and I believe they genuinely glad that you were born.  As a single person, my family and my kids are the ones doing the wishing.  Since my kids were too little to plan something, my mom and dad would have me over for dinner and cake.  I always chose orange roughy as the main course.  She'd make a cake and everyone would sing.  After she passed away, hearing the happy birthday song is more sporadic...a phone call or a class of students passing me in the hall at school.  Since the coming of facebook, birthday wishes are abundant.  I must say this form of appreciation brings warmth to my heart.  When one of my facebook friends are having a birthday, I make it a point to send Cheers to them! Let's face it, my 53rd year of life was a tough one and I'm glad that it's over.  I want to make this year a year of love and kindness.  I hope for happiness and peace for my kids.  I promise to take care

A few years ago, I signed up for the 'God Wants You to Know' app on facebook.  Sometimes I read them...and today's message was: the surest way to become is to playact. Whenever you wish to change yourself, but find it difficult, start as children do by pretending that you already are. As you play at being who you wish to become, the playact itself will surely transform you. Based on how I have been feeling; going through the motions of my life,  or faking it,  I found this message totally relevant!  It's a mystery!

In my family, December is a busy month for birthdays: there are more than six.  Today is my daughter Justine's 28th.  She was born in Virginia Beach while her dad was deployed in the Mediterranean Sea on board the USS Kennedy.  She was my third child delivered by c-section, so I got to choose (sort of) the day she was born.  I remember having a great debate as to have her on my birthday or not.  Obviously, I chose not to share my day.  I didn't think her siblings would understand how we could have the same birthday. Tomorrow is Haylee's friend Nick Wojo's birthday.  I will always remember Nick's birthday as it falls between Justine and mine.  Two of my sisters also have December birthdays along with a niece and a nephew.  Birthdays are a time for celebration.  They are another opportunity for joy.  I know my joy will return...but until then...I'll pretend. Cheers to you on your birthday!

Wow, it's already December.  I'm not so sure how I feel about the approaching holidays.  The emptiness in my heart is more evident and Clarence is visiting me more often than before.  I've suffered through many things in my life and know that crying is good for me... a cleansing of sorts.  So each day I will wake up and go through the motions of my life.  Most of the time I'm paying attention and other times I just fake it.  I know that as I continue to do this, there will be less faking and more living.  Until then, I'll try not to drift too far away.

For the past couple of days, I have been going up and down the stairs, bringing up the boxes of winter and Christmas decorations. I think I'm finally finished!  Now I just have to clean off the part of the kitchen counter that has been doubling as my desk for the past two years. It's weird decorating, knowing that Haylee will not be there.  I will miss her at my ornament party this Friday.  I will miss here turning around things and I won't notice for days.  I will miss the absolutely hideous clothespin and pink tissue paper angel with her named spelled wrong on it that her 'school family' made for her when she was in first grade at St. Thomas Aquinas school. ...just breathe.

I just wanted to thank my family for putting up Christmas lights for me.  I'm really struggling this year... just going through the motions... hoping for normalcy.  I know that they are missing Haylee just as much as I am.  So thank you Derrick, Justine, Steve and Carly.  I love you!

My natural hair color these days is gray, so I head to Classica Hair Studio every six weeks for a cut and color.  My hair stylist, Michelle, is a classmate and friend of Haylee and has been doing my hair for over 10 years. Haylee bought me a gift certificate for Michelle's services for my birthday one year and I have been going back since.  I trust her completely...letting her decide what to do with my hair.  After all, she is the professional. After my new doo, I met up with classmates for fun, food, and fellowship.  It was so nice to see everyone and even nicer to get out when my hair looks it's best...after Michelle does it!

Today we celebrated the 2nd Annual As Seen On TV Thanksgiving.  Haylee came up with the idea last year and we are going to continue the tradition. There were 10 of us for dinner, including nine month old Skylar, and nine wrapped gifts. Derrick did most of the cooking and added two new items to the traditional meal, spicy scalloped sweet potatoes and a cooked kale dish.  It was delicious. After dinner, and before the pumpkin pie, the nine of us drew numbers to see the order of choice.  I had number 5 and elected to steal the 'Veggetti' Spiral Vegetable Cutter that turns veggies into healthy spaghetti!  Fun was had by all as we exchanged night vision glasses, light bulbs and snackerees.  The kitchen is clean, the house is quiet as everyone went to my sister's for card games and dessert.  I stayed home with Skylar and have decided to curl up with a blanket and watch 'It's A Wonderful Life".   Happy Thanksgiving!

I couldn't remember the last time I baked something so last night I did.  I switched out zucchini with pumpkin and used pecans instead of walnuts to made a pumpkin bread.  I learned that I didn't have two loaf pans anymore so I made one and a dozen cupcakes or were they muffins? What is the difference between cupcakes and muffins anyhow?  I think that I made muffins because they were made from a bread mix and not frosted.  I did use my cupcake pan with liners though as I'm too lazy to grease the inside of the cupcake pan, which doesn't always work out well for me. So this morning, I'm enjoying a pumpkin muffin with my coffee.  I'd better head to the YMCA soon to burn off that bread!  Happy baking!

Teachers and students are doing the turkey happy dance today! And oh, it feels so good! Enjoy and give thanks for all the good in your life!

What is justice? My favorite dictionary, Merriam Webster, defines it as 'the maintenance or administration of what is just especially by the impartial adjustment of conflicting claims or the assignment of merited rewards or punishments'.  Or 'the guality of being just, impartial, or fair.' The key word in that definition is impartial.  This is very important as those close to the matter, sometimes cannot see the whole situation.  Therefore, those people may end up feeling that justice was not served or they were treating unjustly.

I saw Big Hero 6 today!  It was wonderful.  It made me laugh...just let me let some air out AND it made me cry...alot as the character Hiro dealt with his grief.  Thank you Baymax for helping to heal me today!

I'm a member of a 'The Grieving Mother's Club'.  I'm not sure when they meet or if I got the name of it right.  I only wish that I didn't belong, but I do. I've always known of the club, my mom was a member, but I really didn't know what it was like. I remember the day I knew I was going to join, I called another new member, my cousin Janet and told her that I was joining her club.  Somehow, saying those words were much easier than saying I was going to lose a child.  Even though Haylee was 30 years old, she's still my baby and I want to protect her. A couple of days ago, classmates of mine lost their 29 year old daughter.  I know too well what they are going through and I know there is nothing I can do to ease their pain.  Thinking of them stirs up my grief allowing Clarence to visit more often.  So I will pray for peace to all grieving mothers (and fathers) and look to the heavens for our Angels.

Today, life blessed me with the five 'Fs' = Friends, Family, Fellowship, Food and Friday.  It was so nice to be with friends and a special surprise when three of my siblings joined us for Happy Hour.  It was a great ending to the work week!  Cheers!

My health has been at the forefront of my mind for nearly all of my life.  I mean I have had good health for most of my life.  For the first 20 years, I took it for granted.  The next twenty years, my  childbearing and raising years, my health or me came in second as I focused on the health of my children.  I would say I was the least heathiest during those years. But in the last 10 years, I've focused on me and my health.  I struggle with balance, sometimes overdoing things - a little too much food, drink, exercise, shopping, and sleeping.  You see, health incorporates all of these things and balance is key. 

Today was my granddaughter Carly's 8th birthday.  She and her dad baked cookies to take to school for a classroom treat.  We invite a few relatives to her birthday dinner of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.  Dinner was followed up with a game of Disney's Head Banz. (I won!) Saturday is the day for cake and ice cream to celebrate with more family and friends.  Life is Good!

Are Keyboarding Skill Necessary? I think the answer is yes.  I believe keyboading skills should be like breathing; you shouldn't have to think about it.  Then, you can just think instead of hunting for the letters you need to spell the words you are thinking about.  I drill my middle school students in composing at the keyboard.

Brrr it is cold out and the wind is howling.  They say it's going to reach single digits tonight. Brrrr So as I sit curled up in a blanket laughing at the sitcoms of Monday night, my heart is still in disbelief that Haylee is gone.  Sometimes, I just cannot believe it.  It's seems like I just talked to her.  I wonder how she is in heaven. With the holidays coming, I know I will have difficult moments.  I hope for moments that I can remember the good times I shared with Haylee.  I hope that I choose not to dwell on the times that she wasn't with us.  I hope I remember that she will always be in my heart and perhaps she's the one making it howl at all the fun she is having now that she is at peace.  I love you Haylee.  <Mom>

I have decided to move to Phase 2 in my Mercy Weight Mgt. program.  This means I can choose healthy alternatives to their meal replacements.  The  largest reason for me to do this is cost.  Looking over my budget, I had to make a few adjustments to finish out the year. It's all good though, I can still lose weight while in Phase 2.  You see, for the past 3 months, I could only eat the food in the plan.  These are pre packaged, portion controlled, choices.  This makes it very easy to stick to the plan.  It also cost me about $100 per week - but I don't have to buy much at the grocery except fruits and veggies.  But now, I will buy more lean meats and grains at the grocery, moving the greater cost to groceries instead HMR meal replacements.  But, I can share my meals with my family.  And that's what counts.

I've been a little under the weather lately so after finishing my chores and computer consulting, I decided to curl up under a blanket and watch some movies.  First up was Julie & Julia .  I first saw this movie in the theatre and received it as a gift a few years ago.  I hadn't watched it since then.  It was nice to be reminded of a fellow blogger's questions:  Is there anybody out there? or You are reading this aren't you.  I feel as this blog is my job, it's therapy for me and could possible help others - right? I really wanted to start watching Christmas movies but was vetoed by Derrick.  He said that I had to wait until Thanksgiving so I cheated some and watched Sleepless in Seattle with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.  I love that movie...enough said.  Derrick made some popcorn and Carly joined us for the 3rd movie:  The Secret of Nimh .  We owned a VHS of that when my kids were little and I've seen it many times...unfortunately, I am beginning to fall as

Medicine comes in a variety of forms and is taken for many different reasons.  I personally do not like to take it.  But for the past week, I've been trying to deny the symptoms of a cold.   I've been blowing my nose a lot and coughing a little. Medicine can hide symptoms so that I feel better and am able to go about my daily work.  If I take too much, it can make me drousy; too little and my nose runs. Since Sunday night, I've been taking an OTC med for colds before bed.  This seems to have helped until this morning.  I had more gunk in my chest and needed something more to help me through the day. I chose to take a day time cough syrup and an oversized horse pill that promised to rid me of the mucus or gunk.  I still coughed and still had gunk but managed to make it through the work day.  My next dose of medicine will be tea and sleep!

Everyday...pray...trust...wait. Feeling some relief today and hope that all of my family feels the same.  Grief is a mystery.  Pray...Trust...Wait.