Just 40 Days

Do you have a morning routine?   I have a work day one:  5:30 wake up, let the dog out, make coffee,  feed dog,  [drink coffee and play WWF, DWB, and perhaps read fb].  Shower and get dressed. Pack lunch - repeat [bracket].  Leave for work around 7.  On the weekends: 5:30 dog wakes up and I let him on my bed (he sleeps in his own) and tell him it's the weekend and we'll get up later, which is usually around 7 or so.  Then I follow my work day routine although I try to get a workout in and shower before 10. Routines provide stability.  They make us feel safe.  They are good for the soul.

I need to breathe.  I need to meditate more.  I wish that I would not let what other people do effect me. I'm usually pretty good at keeping focused on my task of helping others with their technology...but Yes I said But.  Lately, my patience has not been with me.  I'm finding the need to vent my frustrations more often than not.  Usually, I'm not frustrated so that in itself is causing me more turmoil.

I can do this!

This weekend my family all gathered at Lake Wawasee.  Justine & Steve graciously invited us up for a family vacation.  We brought air mattresses, tents, and sleeping bags.  And Mary Lynne flew in from Houston.  We all arrived at different times.  Derrick & Mary Lynne arrived on Thursday while Carly and I came after school on Friday. We had a bon fire and made s'mores. Paul arrived early Saturday morning after he got off work Friday night.  All of us were here together for breakfast this morning.  We took an afternoon and evening boat ride.  We ended the evening with a competitive game of UNO power grab!  (And I won! ---- Ha ha Paul!)  Life is good!

Just when I thought today was going to be rushed, mother nature came through with a fog.  All the schools followed with a two hour delay.  Believe me, my first thought was to go back to sleep, but I had gone to bed early and really didn't need any more. So I made coffee! I threw in a load of laundry.  I played words with friends.  I tweeted.  I fed Aiden.  I drank more coffee.  I paid bills.  I packed my lunch and thought about what food I will take to the lake with me this weekend.  I read my facebook wall.  I ate some cantaloupe.  I watched CBS this morning.  I let Carly sleep in.  I switched the laundry from washer to dryer and put in another load.  And now I'm writing this blog and thinking about a cat-nap before I have to wake Carly up and start getting ready for work...in 36 minutes. If you are ever given a gift of more time...try not to waste it!

My go to dictionary, Meriam Websters says that a distraction is something that makes it difficult to think or pay attention.  Or something that amuses or entertains you so that you do not think about problems, work, etc.  Or a state in which you are very annoyed or upset.   I'm not sure which definition fits my distraction today.

I ran into my neighbor Randy while walking my dog at the neighborhood park.  I've hardly seen him since spring.  It was nice to catch up as we walked three laps. The best part, was the distraction...hearing about other people's lives.  The weird thing is, the story he was telling was familiar. He had jury duty last week and somehow ran into my dad!  It turns out that my dad knew the jurist sitting next to Randy.  He called my dad Uncle Chuck.  After describing him to me, I guessed that it was my cousin Joe.  Randy said, yes that's right, his name was Joe.  So Randy is sharing this story...a story I already know about because it's about my dad.    Small world!

I was mentioning to Derrick that my thoughts have been mostly about Haylee lately.  I felt that grief was following me around.  He looked at me and said that makes sense mom, it's the equinox.  I gave him a puzzled look. He said, you know, when the earth is perpendicular to the sun...weird things happen!  I said, in my spooky silly voice...you mean all the spirits on earth are released to go to heaven?  He said maybe... Hmmm...maybe...  No wonder my mom liked fall the best!

It's been four weeks since I started the Mercy Weight Mangament program.  I am happy to report that I have lost 9.5 pounds!  I feel great and I'm hardly ever hungry! I have to step up my game though and start working out more.  You see, although I do walk my dog most nights,  I am quick to tell myself that that is enough exercise for me.  So, I'm making it my challenge this week, to work out 4 of the days in addition to walking Aiden. My goal is to return to a healthy weight of 150-160 pounds by my 54th birthday in December.

This week has been a week of changes.  Monday started with a workshop on the new standardize testing we will be using at our school. Later in the week, a good friend of mine passed away after suffering from cancer.  On Friday, my dad sold the house that his sister built and my mom and he lived in for nearly 20 years. As we move the things into take with, give away, sell or throw away piles, I can see the overwhelming emotion that he is trying to keep at bay. I'm sure that he is excited to be started his new married life with Pat in a new place all of their own.  I'm sure he is sad to be leaving so many memories of his life with my mom.  He's remembering his brothers and sisters and the times they spent at this house.  I know that it's hard to accept that just because something had meaning to him, doesn't mean it has meaning or the same meaning to others. I love my Dad.  He is a great example of how to make the best of change.  He is living proof...

Yesterday I had to attend a conference that was held at the Hilton Garden Inn, Perrysburg - where Haylee worked.  I met up with her best friend Sarah who also works there.  After giving her a big hug she took me outside to see the tree the planted in Haylee's memory. What a nice gesture and reminder for all of her co-workers. I pray for Sarah and for all of us struggling to live in a world without Haylee.  A tree benefits everyone in this and future generations.  It is perhaps the most fitting memorial of all.  Thank you  HIlton Garden Inn  for remembering my daughter.

Nearly 20 years ago, my friend Sandi taught me how to use a slot machine at the casino in Windsor.  She said, don't waste your time on the quarters, you gotta go big to win big.  So play the dollars and play all three if you can!  Sandi was fun. Later today, I will go to the funeral home to give my condolences to her family and to say goodbye to her.  She was 68.  She battled cancer.  Sometimes she won, but this time she said she had had enough. Godspeed my friend:   Sandi Shinaberry!

Sometimes I start to feel overwhelmed with my to do list.  Those are the times when I usually get up and take a walk.   (Written this morning before I left for work.) Then I got in my car and headed to work.  As soon as I got on the highway it hit me-my grief is a sneaky fella.  I never know when it'll come around. So I cried some and tried to think of other things...like driving to work...not thinking about the events of 23 weeks before.  Wow, has it really been that long?  Or short?  Short it is because it hasn't been long enough for me. So I took a breath, posted something on facebook and went on with my day.  It was a tough one but I made it!  And when I got home from work, I went on fb and read so many supportive comments from my friends.  Thank you for being my friend.  (And that goes for you too, Clarence !)

So it was pouring rain on Monday, with no chance of it letting up.  My dog Aiden certainly wasn't getting his walk at the park in and I didn't feel like going out in the wet and head to the YMCA.  So my seven year old granddaughter Carly and I had a little fun. We each put on one of  Oprah's The life You Want Weekend  “magical” interactive O Tour Wristbands while I turned on the 15 minute SoulCycle workout that we received as a gift.  (The same workout the entire Palace of Auburn Hills did on Saturday afternoon of the tour.) We turned the lights in the living room off and we moved!  The band lit up in different colors; from white, to red, to blue, and green as we went through the motions.   We had so much fun! 

I just finished Cleo: The Cat Who Mended a Family by Helen Brown.  My friend Paula D, a newly committed cat person, gave it to me the last time I saw her and said "I know you're a dog person, but I think you will like it".  She was right!  I want to give a copy to everyone in my family. I have to admit, I couldn't believe the commonalities of death of the author's son Sam's  (struck by a blue Ford Escort while walking to the vet, to that of my Haylee (struck by a black Ford Focus while walking her dog) and I nearly put the book down.  But I continued to read a chapter a day before bed. I laughed, I cried, I felt...Thank you Paula for the gift of Cleo!

It's been three weeks since I began the Mercy Weight Loss at home program and I'm happy to report that I am down eight pounds!  I feel good and I'm ready for the next two weeks.  If I continue at this rate (2-3 lbs. lost each week) I should reach my goal in 16 weeks. That would be around the new year. I was hoping to reach it at Thanksgiving...so I could be in Phase 2 - maintenance - for the holidays.  What's the difference between Phase 1 & 2?  Phase 1 is 'in the box': very strict, portion control, only eating HMR shakes and entrees and AS MANY fruits and vegetables that I want.  I always try to have 2/3 more vegetables than fruit. Phase 2 is when I may have two or three days out of the seven days where I'm 'in the box' while making healthy choices on the other days.  #lookingforwardtothat

The day is nearly over and I'm feeling well.  Sunday is a day to rest, reflect and feel renewed.  After giving myself the gift of attending Oprah's The Life You Want retreat weekend I feel rejuvenated. (Perhaps it's all the Olay products I tested!) Seriously though, this past weekend reminded me to take care of me.  It reminded me that I am lovable; that I am smart; that I am beautiful. I know that the last five months have been hard on me.  I'm in this mess of administering Haylee's estate and although I know it has to be done, I don't like mess.  So I do it.  And at the same time, I make time to stay focused to my true intentions.  To be kind, caring and considerate of others but remembering to be kind, caring and considerate of myself.

Last night I was fortunate to hear Oprah Winfrey share many of her life defining moments. As I listened to her human experience, I couldn't help but to think about the defining moments in mine: I remember when I was in Kindergarten, I wanted to go to school so bad that I insisted on going on a teacher work day.  My mom walked me down, to prove to me there was no school, and my teacher let me in and told my mom to pick me up at lunch time!   And now I'm a teacher! I was the first in my family to go away to college at 17. I married at 21 years, had 4 kids before my 28th birthday!  I was divorced before my 30th.   I've lost my best friend, my sister Barb at 36, my mother at 46, & my 30 year old daughter at 54.  My house fire allowed me to live with my older brother for 6 months which allowed us to develop an adult relationship....meanwhile I practically got a whole new house!

Paula, overlooking the Delta Queen Ever since I first met my friend Paula, a little over three years ago, I knew we had a connection.  We were the same age, raised with a Catholic education, had four children, and we were both teachers. Within two month's of meeting, we went on our first road trip to her son's crew event in Chattanooga: the Head of the Hooch .  We took the long way there, via the Smokey Mountains to see the snow.  We stayed on the  Delta Queen Hotel   I believe we were the last to arrive and were given the smallest room on deck!  You'd have to see it to believe it.  (Bunk beds, sink, shower and commode - all within a 15 X 8 foot room!)  We had a blast! Last fall we went to Boston and today we leave for Oprah's  Life You Want  weekend.   I am so excited to be sharing this VIP experience with her!

So I purchased a tech toy...I mean...a jawbone Up24.  It's pretty neat.  I wear it 24/7 and it sends information to my phone about my sleep and activity.  I'm most interested in my sleep. The first night I wore it it said I had 3 hours of sound sleep and nearly 4 hours of light sleep.  The following nights went like this:  4 hours sound and 5 hours light,  4 hours sound and 2.5 hours light,  5 hours sound and 2 hours lights, with last night coming in at 2.5 sound and 4 hours light.  So it looks like I typically get 4 hours of sound sleep every night...except when I'm restless. I didn't need my Up app to tell me I didn't sleep well.  I knew from the moment my alarm went off, as I usually awaken minutes before.  I found my brain highly nonfunctional throughout the day.  My vocabulary really suffered.  I would call my night restless, Up calls it light sleep.  One does sound better than the other.  What do you cal...

There are good things and bad things about being busy as a bee. A good thing is that the day goes by really quickly.  The bad thing is ... the day goes by really quickly.

The key to most everything I know is communication. Good communication can solve the problems of the world.  I wish it could solve the problems of my family.  I'm sure that it can, although the sticking point is good communication. My family seems to excel in the lack of communication.  This really isn't something to brag about.  I know that I am part of the communication problem.  I also know that I can only control how I communicate.  Knowing these things does not make communication any easier. So, I communicate through prayer as that  is what helps me.  I try to use my voice to express myself.  I also find communication through written word to work well for me.  These are all great except, how do I get the other part of the problem to hear, or listen to my attempt to communicate?

Today was a good day.  The weather was perfect, blue skies with temperatures in the 70's. I took a long walk with Aiden, a little weeding in the garden, and finished my laundry!  I managed to finish up a task that I've had for weeks and got some Vitamin D from the sunshine!  I feel fairly content and relaxed.

I have been finding dimes lately.  Seriously, only dimes, no pennies, nickles or quarters.  It is very strange.  I find them on my way to the car...whether I am heading to work or leaving from work.  I find them on the rug in my bedroom.  My son Derrick says the ones I find in the driveway are from his pockets.  He is a waiter so he usually has coin tips.  I disagree though because I don't find any other coins, just a single dime and it's happened more than once.  I remember my friend Karen saying that if you find a dime it means someone who died recently is watching over me and telling me it's okay. Just now I searched for dimes from heaven on the Internet.  Guess what?  This happens alot and the stories are all the same!  Makes me smile.

I had an appointment yesterday in Swanton.  I don't like to drive to there...too much time to think about Haylee.  But something happened as I approached my destination.  I looked up near the visor of my car and there were several dancing miniature lights.  I didn't know where they were coming from, but I couldn't help but to smile.  It made me think that Haylee was happy that I was there. I went into my appointment full of emotion and somehow calm and at peace.  During the drive home the dancing lights returned and I was determined to find their source. I thought they were reflecting off of my bracelet...but they weren't.  I didn't have any rings on and it wasn't my keys. And then I looked down at my shirt, it was the first time I wore it.  It is a jeweled shirt from Chicos, called Nora Necklace Tee.  Mystery solved...funny how something so simple can bring peace and joy!

A favorite coping phrase I use is:  Life is hard, and sometimes, its not.  I'm not sure where I heard it first but I know that it has gotten me through many a turning point in my life.  Whether it was simply not getting my way when I was growing up with seven siblings. Or the trials of high school and going away to college.  I learned to rely on it while raising my four children under six as I went through divorce and relocation...not to mention surviving their teenage years! I only know that I made it through those times when I thought that I couldn't.  I came out a better, more patient person.  Sometimes the new me was even happier than my previous self.  I wish I knew what lies ahead.  I wish I knew when I would become the person I am meant to be.  I wish I knew when I will have joy again.  Life is continuous learning.  Crisis molds us into what God has planned.

I came to a realization this morning about the burden I feel:  I need to stop blaming and forgive those involved in the tragic death of my daughter Haylee.  I wasn't really acknowledging the fact that although I have always believed that her death was caused by a terrible accident and that I couldn't blame the 20 year old pizza delivery girl, I needed to blame someone. I even went so far as to put a bit of the blame on Haylee herself, for walking on the shoulder of the road, the wrong way, with traffic, when I knew she knew better.  I continue to believe the greatest blame goes to the city of Swanton, for not having sidewalks in a residential area.  I believed I was okay with this way of thinking. But, a few weeks ago, when the driver was indicted with the minimal charge of leaving the scene of an accident, my heart revealed the lies I was telling it.  I wanted the driver to have some part of this accident.  After all, the car she was driving, struck ...

Sometimes I just can't smile.  I think of all the things that need to be done and get an overwhelming feeling of dread.  I've reread some of my posts about my struggles and duty.   I wish that my duty was over...soon...it will be soon.

It was nearly 30 years ago when my friend, Missy introduced me to coffee.  I drank it black and I liked it. I had three cups.   I remember feeling wonderful...at first...and then asked her when my heart would stop beating so fast.   It seems like a lifetime ago,  the navy, living in Virginia Beach, married.  Navy wives (Sandy, Shelly, Debbie, Missy, Laura, Elyse & Ramona...to name a few) were a tight group. We met in Pensacola at AOCS (aviation officer candidate school) and many of us continued to Virginia Beach where we lived for five years or more.  During those short years we shared in two long (6 month) deployments.  Together we laughed, cried, and tried to make sense of the world around us.  I tried to stay in touch with everyone over the years but have lost touch with some. Many of us have battled and survived cancer, divorce, brain tumors and more. Some have visited me and I them.  We all live in different areas now but it i...