Happiness

Last week, after taking Haylee's cremains, in her beautiful turquoise lily pad urn, to the cemetery where they were placed behind glass to help us, the living, remember her,  I chose to head to an empty lake house for a week of nothing.  I say nothing because I didn't know what I was doing, or what I was expecting to happen while I was there.  I packed a bag, a cooler, an air mattress, and my dog Aiden.

The weather was pretty good for spring, reaching 50-70 degrees and sunny most days. Several of my friends took time out of their lives to visit and enjoy the view.  I saw my daughter Justine, her husband Steve, and granddaughter Skylar almost every day.  (Soon, they will take up permanent residence in this vacant lake house.)  I would like to tell you that I found happiness here, but other than the photo above, I did not.  But I can tell you that I found another level of peace.

I have peace because I know that Haylee is not suffering anymore.  She isn't having panic or anxiety attacks. She isn't waiting for the next kidney stone or cold sore to appear.  She isn't feeling lonely or inadequate.  She is perfectly whole, and surrounded by perfect love.

I have a feeling, I will never stop missing her. I also know that soon, I will only remember the good, fun, loving stories of Haylee that I hold dear to my heart. But for now, I will take this peace and wait a little longer for my happiness to return.