Just 40 Days

I remember how I felt after seeing Haylee in the hospital on the morning of April 10th.  I felt squished, heavy, foggy, perhaps dazed. It was definitely something I had never felt before.  Perhaps it is just the feeling you feel when you lose a child.  I don't know. I do know that I also remember the feeling going away later in the day,  perhaps it was denial.  At the funeral home,  the squished feeling returned, making it real again.  It's exhausting this grieving thing.  It's like being put through a ringer.

My normal meal routine is to eat a good breakfast.  This morning it was 2 eggs, grapefruit, and coffee. I brought a morning snack to get me through until I get home around 4:30 for dinner.  I also have some protein shake mix available if I find that I am hungry.  But just now, I purchased my first school lunch of the year: spaghetti, green beans, garlic bread, cucumber slices, banana, and chocolate milk.  I'm not sure why I did it.   Perhaps it was the aroma of garlic bread.  Or maybe I realized, after teaching all morning, how behind I am.  I'm behind in grading past assignments and I'm behind in planning the next assignment.  It was comfort food to be sure and not too bad as far as school lunch's go.

It's Monday, my alarm clock went off at 5:30, although I woke up at 5:10 and waited for it.  Aiden stretch in a downward dog pose I can only wish for and we went downstairs to start our morning routine.  I was glad to see that my dog easily slipped back into his home life.  He went from 10 days of nonstop people coming over to seven very quiet days at the lake.  He follows me everywhere, as usual, but I'm hoping some of his protecting instincts will simmer down as I do like to talk to my family and friends. Today is my first day back at work.  As usual, I'm having lunch in my classroom.  It's going pretty well. The students are great as they are so excited to be with their friends after Easter break.  Everyone wants to hug me.  It's a good thing I like hugs :0

Last week, after taking Haylee's cremains, in her beautiful turquoise lily pad urn, to the cemetery where they were placed behind glass to help us, the living, remember her,  I chose to head to an empty lake house for a week of nothing.  I say nothing because I didn't know what I was doing, or what I was expecting to happen while I was there.  I packed a bag, a cooler, an air mattress, and my dog Aiden. The weather was pretty good for spring, reaching 50-70 degrees and sunny most days. Several of my friends took time out of their lives to visit and enjoy the view.  I saw my daughter Justine, her husband Steve, and granddaughter Skylar almost every day.  (Soon, they will take up permanent residence in this vacant lake house.)  I would like to tell you that I found happiness here, but other than the photo above, I did not.  But I can tell you that I found another level of peace. I have peace because I know that Haylee is not suffering anymore.  She isn't having panic o

These two beauties have been hanging around the dock keeping me company all week.  This morning, there are six of them.  I enjoy watching them float on the water, diving under for food, or I like to think - just to moon me.

Last night, my friend/sister-in-law Marcia and I went out to dinner at The Frog Tavern.  As we were sitting at the table, I thought I heard the name Haylee.  Of course, I immediately checked if my hearing was correct and asked what is your name.  The bartender/server said Haylee.  I said really?  How do you spell it?  She said Haylee.  I looked at Marcia and smiled and said "Did you here that? Her name is Haylee and she spells it the same way.  I'm where I'm supposed to be."  I then told the server, Haylee, about my Haylee.  It was nice.  I was smiling and at peace. Here at the lake, I've encountered ducks, geese, swans, and red winged black birds. Then, this morning, a cardinal was on the patio furniture on the deck, waiting for me to open the blinds and see it.  It was beautiful!  I am still smiling and at peace. A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you m

It's not about stuff!  It's about healing.  AND guess what?  Healing is hard work.  It requires time, patience, strength, letting go, holding on, and love. Love for yourself and for everyone else who is healing or helping you heal.  A sixth grader at my school wrote me this note on the day Haylee died: Dear Ms. Brandt, I am very sorry for your loss.  But just think of it this way: God sent her to heal people and to help. Then, when her work was done, God needed her to heal more people...just somewhere else.  I will keep your family in my prayers.  But everyone should know in their hearts that Haylee's calling was to heal. Sincerely, Taylor Sometimes kids say the darndest things!

I am so lucky to have really nice family and friends.  They are going out of their way to check in on ... I mean ... visit me.  They bring food and fellowship. They help make the time pass.  They listen, talk and distract me.  But my mind always gravitates toward Haylee.  She had a lot of friends.  She was lucky!  She loved food and fellowship! Today, Dish was installed here.  The last time I had Dish was when Haylee lived with me.  Haylee watched alot of TV late at night.  She watched shows that I never heard of.  Me...I mostly watch the traditional networks and a bit of Comedy Central...although I did stumble upon OWN!

It's a windy but sunny day.  I've only ventured out of the house two or three times.  I may get blown over :) So I did a few dishes, a load of laundry, made a few phone calls, and watched three movies: Catching Fire, Happy Feet, and Despicable Me 2. I'm sure I have about 140 student papers to read and grade. And now it's after 4:30 and I have managed NOT to tackle thank-you notes today.  I thought that I was ready to do that.  Perhaps I will get to them on Thursday.  I know, I don't have a deadline, I just want to write.  So here I am. I finally found a K-Love or another great contemporary christian radio station...did I mention the sun was shining today?

Missing Haylee at Lake Wawasee Last night, the Big Dipper was looking in on me through the window of my room.  It was a clear night and it made me think of one the last vacations at Wampler's Lake with my sister Barb and her family.  We were talking about the gazillion stars you can see when you're away from the city lights and at the lake. There is nothing like a sky full of stars to make me feel small. In the morning, I walked out on the deck and looked to my right and the photo above is what I saw.  I am so blessed to be here, amongst all of God's beauty.  Haven't seen much of Clarence...I know he will come.

So I was thinking about the Apostles, Jesus' friends and family and how they all sat around, wondering what to do without Him.  That's what we are doing now, Haylee's family and friends.  We are trying to process what has happened.  Trying to make sense of an unexpected event.  Finding ways to cope with the loss. Coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.  Everyone copes in their own way --- laughter to lighten, silence to think, shopping to distract --- I know that there are also ways of NOT coping. It is my genuine desire for all of you to find peace with the new normal of life without Haylee. While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them,  “Peace be with you.”

Facebook, I have missed you!  I am enjoying reading all of what I have missed this past lent.  I am also going to change this blog from 40 days without fb to Just 40 days to signify that I can do anything for 40 days.  I can live without alot of things ...beer, chocolate, bread, and cheese but my Haylee, that will be a hard one, but I can do it!  I am off to read what I missed!  See you tomorrow!

Jesus hung on the cross for three hours.  You spent three days on life support.  We didn't want to let you go.  But I knew, God had something better in mind for you.  It's been a week since we gave your body rest Haylee.  My heart is broken.  We are all broken. Tomorrow we will place your remains in a place for us to visit.  You are free.  Give us a sign that you are okay.  Until then, I will trust in God like Jesus did as He hung on the cross.  He was scared, just as we are scared to have a life without you. Into His hands...

What I hear around me are words...all I want is caring and communication...that is my present 2014 situation. I do not know what to do.  How did Jesus feel when everyone abandoned him?   How did the people around him feel when they were helpless, when they could not prevent what was going to happen? I am at a loss. Life sucks, and sometimes it doesn't.  I always rely on my rote prayers...the Our Father, a Hail Mary... or words from my Aunt Dorothy's  series: Freckle's and Friends: Dearest Father, up in heaven, this is me way down here.  You can hear me, when I'm talking cuz you really are near.  When I whisper, very softly, you can hear what I say.  I'm so happy you can hear me every time that I pray.

Hmmm... who of you wants to talk about raw emotions? At times like these, I think of many things...the golden rule...Treat others the way you want to be treated.  I also like to think about things like...be kind, one to another. My family...I pray for my family continuously. In the end...if you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. Peace to you...and PEACE to my family.  I love you.

As a single mom, I raised four children under the age of six. I remember when I was married, to a military man, my neighbors would say: How do you do it?  You make it look so easy.   My reply was always: It's as easy as I want it to be. Let me let YOU in on a little secret...free will means: deciding on how YOU want your day to be.  We only get one day, and sometimes we don't even get the whole day, but you get to decide how it goes.  I am not sure who taught me that.  I only know that I have known this fact my entire life.  Although I've been told that I am, I do not see myself as a strong woman,  I am a free woman.  I get to chose what to think, how to live, what to believe, who to love. What I know for sure...a good day is when I get to the dishes...because then, I can wake up in the morning, make breakfast, and start another day of choosing.  I love you.

Lord knows that I have cried a thousand times.  I would tear up when someone would win on the Price is Right. Or during a great show where others shared their musical and dancing talents with me.  I would cry for my children when they were hurting.  The pain of shingles brought me to tears. I cried for my mom when she couldn't sing anymore.  I wailed for my sister Barb, taken from us too soon. Tears of sorrow and tears of joy...probably in equal amounts. Today the tears will flow, the music will play, the sun will shine, and I hope Haylee will be smiling knowing how much she is loved.

I just came from the YMCA where I had a pretty good workout.  (First one in days...) But I can't seem to play the music loud enough.  I wanted to drown my sorrows in the music.  I wanted to keep on running on a treadmill going nowhere.  I wanted to see my Haylee's smiling face. Oh dear Clarence, are you going to be with me all day today? I told Derrick, Justine and Paul that today will be the longest day.  All of Haylee's friends, all of their friends, all of the people who love Haylee will be there to tell stories.  So many stories, so many people, so much love.

It has been five days.  The grieving process has begun for myself and many around me.  It's a  beast this thing called grief.  It attaches to or attacks each of us differently.  When my mother lost my sister Barb, she named her grief George.  I think I too will have a name for my grief.  I've been thinking about Clarence.  I always loved the character Clarence Odbody.    He was only doing what was right and tried to have a little fun along the way.  He kept things simple.  I like simple.  I won't mind if Clarence hangs around awhile. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives, and when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

When I was sad, my mom would always tell me that what gives you the greatest joy will equally give you the greatest sorrow.  They are connected sorrow and joy.  I miss you my Haylee.  I love your beautiful, funny, smart, self that you are.

I hear that Haylee's facebook page has hundreds of wishes and expressions of sorrow now that she is gone.  These last few days have been hard, and harder still without my being able to read them.  I know that I will have plenty of time to do that when lent ends and all of my family and friends try to go back to their normal lives.  I will be adjusting to my new normal - life without my Haylee.

Words cannot  express the loss...  I love you

Last night, my daughter Haylee was walking her dog Lola, she lives in Swanton.   She was on her way back to her home, walking on Main Street near the bowling alley.   There is a curve in the road there.  A young pizza delivery girl was driving .  Haylee was struck and life flighted to St V's.   She had no ID...just her cell phone that was locked.   When her fiance arrived home from work this morning, he found the house unlocked and Haylee & Lola missing.    Heroic measures are keeping her alive until all family is here.  Thanks for all the prayers. Oh yeah...they finally found Lola who is at the vet getting fixed up from her night in the wild.

I've been a little stressed these days.  It seems I'm not making or taking time for me...haven't had a massage in three months, not consistent at working out, eating whatever I want - whenever I want it.  I've been working through my lunch and barely find time at work to just breathe. Anyways, my family has chosen to run a 5K later in May.  So the competitive side of me says I have to run it as well as the last race I ran ... in less then 30 minutes (29:59 is good enough!)  The last race I ran was nearly 5 years ago.  I was obviously 5 years younger and maybe not so obvious but true, 40 pounds lighter.  So I'm trying to train. I ran/walked with my dog Aiden, for 30 minutes today.  My lungs were burning and my pedometer said 1.5 miles.  I know that I sat on the  bench with Carly to look at the sky and enjoy the moment, but that may have taken 8-10 minutes total.  Needless to say, I have ALOT of work to do.

Today is a special day for the 8th grade students at my school.  It is their confirmation day.  The day they become 'soldiers of Christ'.  The day the Holy Spirit brings special graces to them.   Along with Baptism and Holy Communion, Confirmation,  is a Sacrament of Initiation.  How do you know when you're ready? Back in the 60's, when I was in elementary school, we were confirmed in 3rd or 4th grade.  I remember that my parents, in their wisdom, believed that 9-10 year olds were too young to be confirmed.  I had to wait until I was in 6th grade, to be confirmed, along with the other 3rd & 4th graders.  By the time my youngest brothers were confirmed...they were in 8th grade...which is when my children were confirmed years ago and the way it continues to be done. Today I pray for the students being confirmed.  I pray that the Holy Spirit guides them now and through the rest of their lives as they learn to become more like You, through Jesus Christ our Lord, A

Have you ever done something you thought that was good, only to find out that it wasn't?  I am so sorry Paul.  I really thought I was doing you a favor.

It's early spring and every morning now, I hear robins singing.  Rumor has it, they are grateful for another sunrise. There are so many things around me to give thanks for everyday.  A warm place to sleep, a dependable car, and employment come to mind.  But how often do I thank God for these things?  In times when I am feeling blue, I look for the good in my life and give thanks.  But when things are going well, I forget.  Do you? American culture tells us we always need more of everything.  It's a struggle to even try to keep up and an even greater struggle not to get 'sucked' into the whole concept of more.  I work hard to try to keep my life simple, to appreciate what I have, to share what I know to be true.  But sometimes I have to be reminded, like today, when I heard the song of the robin.  Give thanks for all that is around you, and all the people you know.  Let them know you appreciate them!  It's as simple as a robin's song!

Sometimes I have to remind myself to breath, before I react and say something I really don't mean.  Today was one of those days.   I really wanted to give someone a piece of my mind...and then I thought what if that just happened to me?  Would I want someone to tell me what I already know?  I could tell that the person already felt bad so I just bit my tongue. Just breath...

Every spring it happens.  People who never get sick...call in sick.  It's opening day!  So...play ball!  Did you go?  I don't know about you but I'm a fair weather friend/fan.  In my home town, it was about 42 degrees with drizzle.  Way too cold for me.  So I sat in a pub and watched many a game of baseball.  Go Mud Hens!  Go Tigers!  I like sports!  I love baseball!  I went to work today.  I did not get a ticket to the game.  I still enjoyed it...with the warmth of the pub and a cold one in my hand.

Rain rain go away, come back another day, so we can go outside to play...

How do you react to your surroundings?  How can I not react to situations that are happening that I don't have any control over?   When I keep the focus on things I know to be true or that I believe in, I'm able to prevent myself from getting sucked into situations that I need to avoid.  BUT I'm not always able to do this.

Can you believe that I have just purchased the sixth car of my life?  I have been driving since 1977. My 2nd car was brand new and all the rest were at least 3 years old when I acquired it. Since I was in elementary school, I have always wanted to own a VW Beetle.  I still do! I hope that someday I will get to order a new convertible VW Bug. Until then, I will will enjoy my newest vehicle...a 2008 Jeep Compass.  I pray that everyone drives safely today.