Just 40 Days

It's been a long long time since I have written anything.  I've got all the excuses. The excuses that create more stress. The stress that causes me to eat and drink more.  And the weight that eating more than I need adds to my body. Well, I'm carrying all the weight - for real!  I'm over 200 pounds again when I was under 195 at the beginning of October. My flat feet cannot carry that kind of weight without complaining.  The question is: Do I hear their complaints?  If so, what am I going to do about it? Take care of your body --- you only get one.

This morning, the odometer in my car said 1000.  I've had it 15 days.

Today was the first family wedding without my dad.

1974 I miss the people missing from my family...my sister Barb, my mom, my daughter Haylee, and most recently, my dad. I saw my parent's email address in my contact today.  It began with eightwasenough.  Seeing it, tugged at my heart.  The thought of not receiving emails from my dad anymore hit hard and fast.  I still keep their addresses and phone numbers in my contacts - somehow it keeps me connected to them. It's funny how grief works.  One minute, all is well and the next tears are flowing.

Anytime I hear a parent talking on what it feels like to lose a child they say the same thing: There's a hole in my heart that cannot be filled.  I sometimes wonder if it's a choice NOT to fill it.  It's been over four years since Haylee left the earth and I still have a hole.  It's different than the other injuries or scars on my heart left from loss. I think the hole from my divorce took a while to become a scar.  I think that kind of loss is a choice as to fill it or not. Perhaps it is healed when it's accepted.  Injuries to the heart from sudden loss of life are a bit different.  They are as different as the relationship you had with the person who died.  I'm inclined to think that all loss of life leaves a hole in your heart.  Some are just bigger than others.

I usually do well with keeping fear at bay, but lately, I've been waking up in the middle of night worrying about things.  It's not always the same things, like family, finances, or work related.  Sometimes it's my health and/or things in the world that completely out of my control.

My dad was almost ALWAYS happy!  I miss his smile.  I miss his joy.

Dear Dad, It's been two weeks since your funeral.  We laid your body in its final resting place beside mom. I remember you saying that you hardly went to the cemetery because as you said: 'your mother isn't there'.  Cemeteries are for the living, to have a place to visit and remember you.  I will always say: Hi mom and dad as I drive by yours. The last of the June birthday notes you wrote have been mailed. I'm sure those who received them will hold them close to their heart as they remember you. My heart aches for your corny jokes and smile. Love Me

Today was an extra long day. It is the day my dad died. I'm still in shock as it happened so quickly Dad. My heart aches for you.  You were so full of life.  I never imagined a world without you in it.

If I continue to eat 2000 calories a day, I will continue to weigh 200 pounds.

So last night, I watched a little bit of ABC's The Last Days of Michael Jackson.  I'm 57 years old, and I grew up with MJ so I was a bit interested.

My New Washer There seems to be this great debate over having an agitator or an impeller in your washing machine. The point of a washing machine is to get your clothes clean.  This requires soap, water, and friction. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer the agitator.  I never had any issues with it before, so why change?  Innovation is good, and this, the 7th washer, all Maytag btw, of my adult life is perfect with it's steel drum and glass top so that I can watch the action. I learned something new last night.  The drum spins slowly as the water for the rinse cycle is added.

The rule made of gold is THE hardest of all! 

My mom had three sisters. She was the youngest of six. I am the third of her eight children, five of which are girls. The five us had bookend brothers, one older and two younger.  We were born within seven years of each other, that's 85 months between the oldest and the youngest. Let me think of it another way - The oldest of us just turned seven when the youngest was born.  And by the time I was five, I had three little sisters. I learned alot growing up with all those sisters: how to share, to care,  to argue and to fix hair.  We learned how to love, to defend, how to build up and defeat. The relationship between sisters is complex. We slept in the same room and shared beds. We were close - we shared an underwear drawer! Sometimes, we were on the same sports teams. This was good for our team as we were competitive and athletic.  It was also good for my parents, as they didn't have to attend multiple games. While in high school, three of my sisters wer...

I turn off my alarm on the weekends and not that the weather is warmer, I sleep with the windows open.  This morning, it was the song of a cardinal that woke me up.  My windows face the street, so usually the city sounds of cars and buses is all I hear.  I have to go to the back yard to hear the sounds of nature. I'm sure that's why the cardinal's song this morning awakened me.  It was beautiful and clear. It was 7:00 am.  As I lay in bed, I began listening for the other birds.  The chirping of the robin and the cooing of the morning dove, or pigeon. My dog Aiden, wouldn't let me lay awake too long without getting his day started.  So we headed out back to see a half dozen squirrels, scurrying on the neighbor's large oak tree.  A few were demonstrating their high balance routine on the electrical wires. The grass was cut and the tree still smelled wonderful.  Life is good.

My Backyard  I love the color of the trees in the spring. The whites, the purples, lime greens and especially the pink in my back yard My sister Barb had a tree like it in her front yard.  It's a Magnolia I believe, or some call it a tulip tree. Whatever it is, it sure does make my backyard beautiful. The pedals are thick with fragrance.  On a good year, I get about two weeks of beauty.  Last year, it was about a day as a cold front with snow arrived the just before the blossoms opened. They froze and never got a chance.  This year.It was very late blooming this year.  Most of been the unusual winter. But due to the high winds and thunderstorms of this week, the beauty only lasted about four days.  The sweet aroma of its pedals is still in the air though. When I notice nature, I feel calm inside.  Or is it, because I feel calm inside, I notice nature.Which ever the case, I know that life is all around me and it is good for my soul.

I heard on the news this week that once every minute, a Distracted Driving Crash happens in the United States.  Then, as I was driving home from Indiana today, as I entered Ohio, a sign displayed: Distracted Driving Crashes in 2017: 20, 597 !!!  Come on people, we can do better!

Oadie! Last spring, my neighbors announced that they were getting a pot belly pig for a pet. I have to admit, I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disbelief.  'What are they thinking?' I thought.  Why would they want a miniature pig for a pet here in the city?  Add to that, on hot humid days, I could 'smell' the fact that my neighbor had a pig. I was not pleased with their choice. The hot humid days have passed and the once rather small pet has grown to be three times his size.  His name is Oadie.  Oadie likes to get into the bags of recyclables that were typically placed near the fence of the driveway.  It only took one time of coming home to a yard of cans for my neighbors to learn to place the cans on the other side of the fence.   While annoying to his owner, Oadie was providing me with a little entertainment from the view of his world from my kitchen sink. My 50 pound dog, Aiden, is quite unsure of Oadie. Aiden runs the fence with th...

Eleven years ago, my dad and mom were in a car accident.  It was Good Friday. They were picking up Easter Lilies from the florist to decorate their church.  On they way, they were T-boned and my mom bumped her head. This caused bleeding on the brain and she was paralyzed on the right side of her body.  Our lives were changed forever. I will always remember that day.  The look on my dad's face - never being in a car accident.  They were to celebrate 50 years of marriage in September.

This week will is turning out to be a tough one and it's only Sunday.  It'll be four years of not seeing Haylee.  It's hard to believe she's been gone that long.  Paul had a birthday last week and he said: Now I'm as old as Haylee.  Apparently, I'm not the only one thinking about her. Sometimes I just look at my children and wonder if I did enough.

I have always been a fan of desserts, but lately, I have been eating my way through my emotions.  I feel stress at home, living with my adult sons and granddaughter and at work while transitioning through new administration.  I have not been taking care of myself. As a result, I have gained back the ten pounds I lost before Christmas. This morning, I weighed in at 204.6 pounds.  I hadn't weighed myself in two months, knowing that the scale was moving in the wrong direction.  If I don't hold myself accountable, who will?

For a Catholic School teacher, Holy Thursday is the last day of school before a long needed break. There usually isn't an all school Mass as the Mass of the Last Supper will be held in the evening.  It is during this Mass where the priest washes the feet of twelve parishioners, demonstrating service to the community. Personally, I think this would be a great theme for an all school Mass.

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. It's the days when I feel like doing nothing...and those days seem to be happening more and more often. I work at the YMCA.  Part of the reason I've kept this part time job is because it makes me go to the YMCA!  While at the YMCA, I can workout. As a perk, I get a free membership which means I can workout whenever I want.  The problem is, I don't seem to want to workout anymore. So how can I motivate myself?

When Haylee died nearly four years ago, I named my grief Clarence.  My mother taught me to do that so I could call my grief out by name and let it visit when it needs to.  Today, as I was driving home from work, Clarence decided to visit. I thought I knew what the triggers were to my grief: black Ford Focus, white Pontiac Vibe, Shar-pei's and other things that remind me of Haylee or how she died.  (I can't allow people Today, Clarence just decided to show up.  So I let the tears flow as I drove down the Anthony Wayne trail.  Fortunately today's tears were not of the wailing type.  The sobbing grief that was so often in the beginning have subsided. Grief is a mysterious thing.  It's different for whom I grieve.  I miss my sister Barb, who has been gone for 20 years.  I wish I could talk to my mom sometimes and she will be gone ten years this summer.  But the loss of Haylee, my child has left such a hole in my heart.  I sometim...

Sometimes, I just want to be all by myself.

Growing up in the 1960's, we had one telephone in our house.  In fact, we only had one car and one television.  We did have four bedrooms though, to house a family of ten. As the third child, I was fortunate to learn from my older brother and sister.  They were the pioneers. When the phone rang in our house, we were taught to answer it like this:  Herman's residence, Mary speaking.  We learned at an early age, how to be polite on the telephone.  We also learned a big word like 'residence'.  I wonder how many tweens know what a residence is? There was only one phone, so we had a schedule.  We were only allowed a certain number of minutes on the phone. We learned time management. We learned bargaining and compromise.  Heck, we memorized all of our friends phone numbers!  Nowadays, I can remember those 'old' numbers, but hardly any of my friends or family's 'new' cell phone numbers.  Why should I, when I have a smart phone?...

As I make my way to visit family in Indiana, I always look forward to the air turbines as I approach the state line on Route 24.  Today did not disappoint.  I am amazed by the size of these machines. Today though, the wind was still.  Not a blade was moving. This was the first time in four years of travel that I remember this happening.  It looked like every turbine stopped at the same time, in the same place of rotation.  It was a beautiful sight. It made me think about how large our world is and how powerful the air can be.  Even in it's stillness, power is evident.  It's times like this when I remember how small the events in my life are compared to the world.  I'm reminded that I'm just a small piece of the puzzle of an ever changing place. I feel at peace.

A method that worked. Gone are the days when a person was humiliated for not following the rules. When a person is humiliated for something, they tend NOT to ever do that again.  It's actually an easier way to learn than learning the hard way; when there is a more permanent consequence of said behavior. Civilizations are created by people who make and follow rules or procedures that benefit the group.  When you are compliant, you are inclined to agree with others and obey the rules of the group. When you are NOT compliant, complete disorder and confusion, aka chaos will be caused in the group. Come on people, don't you want to do the right thing? This chaos I fear, is what my dear country, the United States of America, is turning into. It seems that we have no order. We no longer follow the rules or protocols. We have forgotten that procedures help keep people safe. They are tested and true. I used to love to drive.  Drivers followed the rules of the highway, or ...

My sister Barb, was killed in a work accident twenty years ago. She was the definition of fun in my life.

Dear Haylee, It's been a long day. It's one of those days where I can't believe that you're not here.  It feels surreal. You never know when grief will step up it's game.  On the way to work, the triggers were there - I was behind a black Ford Focus, then it turned and a silver one took it's place.  While at work, I couldn't get you off my mind.  I wanted to call or send a text.  On my way home from work, I must have seen three white Pontiac Vibes like the one you had.  I miss you. Love,  Mom

It's been sixteen months since I had the second surgery on my left foot.

Sometimes I forget that I have a choice and I let other people cause me to be unhappy. 

Car wouldn't start today and it wasn't the battery.  Apparently, there is a device that sends a message when the car is in park.  If the message isn't sent, the car won't start even though it is in park.  $285 poorer. 

It started with a few chores.  Next up was a good workout at the YMCA.  Then lunch with my little sister followed by some shopping.  Ended the day with some of my high school classmates planning our 40th reunion!  And now I'm watching olympics, reading and writing.  Life was good today!

Stress, stress, and more stress causes my brain to think that I'm hungry.  It seems like I'm always thinking about what I'm going to eat next.  I am hoping that being aware of it and writing about it will help me to change the pattern. 

Today begins another season of Lent.  The forty days before Easter Sunday are meant to prepare to become more like Jesus.  It's a time of reflection and honesty.  I have come to realize I'm not as healthy as I wish I would be.  And although I don't want to beat myself up, I have to admit that I'm a mess inside. I'm worried about my family.  I'm worried about my livelyhood and finances.  I feel alone. For now, I've decided that I will fast all adult beverages. I cannot overeat and drink at the same time.  I am mindful of that disaster.  I will listen more when I'm out with friends, reflecting on their stories.

I use food to comfort me.  I eat when I'm stressed. I stuff my negative feelings like lonliness, worry, fear, with food.  Right now, I'm out of control. 

This is

So after promising myself, to stick to a healthy eating regimen and working out in some form or another everyday, I blew it in the evening. UGH!!! After a great cardio workout followed by strength training, I came home and at three separate meals/snacks between 7:00 and 9:00 pm.  I need to figure out how to stop myself from eating after dinner.  It is not good for me. I don't sleep well when I do.  The struggle is real.

The number on the scale today is not a good one.  It begins with a 2!  Two means poop!

It's Wednesday and I have eaten restaurant prepared meals for three days in a row.  It is always my goal to make healthy choices when eating out, but that is not always the case.  For instance, on Monday, I chose a bowl of vegetable soup.  They brought me chicken noodle by mistake and I didn't send it back.  Instead, I rationalized "I haven't had chicken noodle in a long time, it's okay."  I know there was a huge difference in calories as the vegetable soup had zero meat and noodles/rice.  The noodles in the chicken noodle soup were the homemade hungarian kind.   (It was delicious.) Yesterday, my friends and I were at Olive Garden.  I had three breadsticks!  I love bread.  I also had plenty of salad and some lasagna fritta (fried lasagna!) and loaded pasta chips (an Italian version of nachos).  I would not consider any of these as 'healthy or clean eating'. The fritta alone is nearly 200 calories a piece and I had four! ...

Down 1 I worked really hard this week and I'm glad it paid off with downward movement on the scale.  It is disheartening I don't get the results I expect. Sometimes it's as if my brain thinks "you've eaten so clean this week, you must be a size 8 by now!"  Really?  I know wight loss is a long process. It took me five years to become 50 pounds overweight.  And I did that without even trying! (Humor me and laugh with me as I laugh at myself.) So, if I want to loose it in a shorter period than that, I'll have to work hard. A one to two pounds a week loss would be great!  I am worth it!

Some days, I forget to drink enough water.  I get busy, or I forget to take some with me, or I just choose not to make it a priority. 

I am my own worst enemy!  When it comes to eating, I can rationalize anything.  I tell myself these things when I choose to EAT something after dinner: Peanut-butter toast is good for you!  Have a bowl of cereal, mom always did.  You still have 300 calories to go. No matter what I say to myself, it is what it is - rationalization. 

Pretty soon, all of my nutrisystem food will be gone.  Then I will need to have portion control myself.  I have a scale, I know the amounts of a serving.  But during December and January, I've flexed more than I've followed the plan.  The results of that has been weight gain.  So until I run out of food, the only thing I should be flexing is my muscles.

Okay January, I started off at 197 pounds and now I'm nearly at 199 pounds. Sure I gained and lost two or three pounds in the past 21 days, but this trend has got to stop.  I'm in control - no I'm not in control, as I give in to my want of peanut butter toast before I go to sleep.  I 'allow' myself to indulge once a week with my friends.  Something has got to change before I see 200 pounds on the scale.

I had a busy day yesterday.  I was fortunate enough to visit some of my cousins.  First of all I did a little driving south.  It was a beautiful day for driving, blue skies and sunshine.  When I got to my destination, I was fed a fabulous meal of meatloaf, baked potatoes and green beans.  One of my most favorite meals!  (Thanks Bill!)  We told stories and visited for most of the afternoon. I headed home and stopped to visit my dad for while.  It was there I receive a text from another cousin who was in town visiting her grandchildren.  So I headed home to feed my dog and then back out to visit again.  We shared stories while enjoying adult beverages and playing a game of spoons. Fun was had by all.  It's so good to talk to my cousins. 

I weigh in on Monday mornings.  It isn't good when the number on the scale is higher than the Monday before.  I even put the scale on the carpet because I knew it would weigh me less.  (It did - see below.)  How can carpet be so magical?