Just 40 Days

I have to remind myself that I only get one body.  I do get two sets of teeth, but I used up the first one forty years ago. I am going to be 54 years old in 95 days.  It is my hope that at my annual physical, my doctor will be pleased with my weight and my blood work.  I hope that I am pleased with how I feel and look in my clothes. All's it takes is a little tlc.  Tender loving care for oneself is a great way to stay fit and feel well.  If you don't take care of yourself...who will?

Last night I arrived at the lake for a weekend of babysitting my granddaughter Skylar.  I haven't been to the lake for a month.  The first thing she did when she saw me was...frown.  She didn't know me. This made me frown a little too.  I found it interesting that no matter what I did, she avoided having eye contact with me. I can say that this morning she is back to normal and smiling at me.  She has grown so much...scooting and crawling everywhere!  Everyone is smiling now!

Every once in a while I go look back to read all the comments to this blog.  I want to say thank you for lifting my spirits through this journey.  They really help me feel like I am not alone. I find that most people don't know what to say to someone that has lost a child...myself included.  So instead of saying anything, they act as if it never happened.  I know that there are no words to make the loss seem less but I do know that there are words that can make a person feel loved.  A simple how are you doing? Or I've been praying for you will do.   Or just spending time with them will go a long way.

Have you ever tried to make sense of something that doesn't make sense?  Sometimes I speculate on the why things happen and sometimes there just isn't any good reason.  Sometimes, I just have to cry about it and move on.

T he feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something...that's what I was feeling yesterday. Tuesdays are my long teaching days - I have six classes with no planning period...just a lunch break.  I'm always tired on Tuesdays.  The drive home from work via I475 north was better than the day before...more people on the road knew the meaning of merge so traffic flowed pretty well. (Merging into traffic...another topic for another day!) When I got home from work, I was feeling pretty good after my 10 minute cat nap. ( I love cat naps!)  Anyhow, then my phone rang.  As I listened to the person on the other end tell me what was going on in their life, my frustration began.  That call was interrupted by another call, where I was placed on hold and then disconnected. Shortly after that, I received a text from someone else stating how frustrated they were.  And lastly, another phone call that turned into a shouting match...that I&

Justice - everyone seeks it.  Most are searching for understanding and peace.  Most forget that the world is not always fair or just.  Most of us forget that we are not in control.  God is in control.  This past week, one of the readings at Mass was about lawyers and judges and how Jesus had issues with them.  Merriam-Webster defines it as: the process or result of using laws to fairly judge and punish crimes and criminals.       For me, I just want peace of mind.  I want peace for my family who are suffering at the loss of Haylee and are searching for understanding.  I want peace for them so that they can begin to heal.  I wish for them to grow in understanding of life so that they can enjoy it again.

As a woman, my BMI is supposed be between 18-24.  My BMI is 34.  This means I'm no longer classified as overweight.  Now I'm moderately obese and one point away from being severely obese.  Obesity is an ugly word.  Although I don't feel very beautiful so perhaps it is appropriate.  I am so glad that I finally decided to stop the madness of gaining 10 pounds a year.  It doesn't sound like a lot; it's less than one pound a month, but gaining weight is not good for your soul or your health! Take time to take care of you today.  You only get one body!

Mercy Weight Management uses HMR products.  I know that I like HMR products because it is what I used in 2007 to drop 70 pounds in nine months.  While trying to lose the forty pounds I need to, I can only eat HMR products and as many fruits and vegetables that I want. If I follow the program and have at leat 3 shakes and 2 entrees along with at least 5 fruits and vegetables, I will be in the box.  (I can always have more of their shakes and meals if I want!) Yesterday I was in the box and had more than 8 fruits and vegetables.  I also walked nearly three miles with Aiden.  I'm off to a good start!

My mom loved ice cream - probably everyone in the world at least likes ice cream - and I must confess that yesterday, I had ice cream three times in one day!  Needless to say - today is the first day of my return to Mercy Weight Loss and HMR.  My weight this morning was 195 pounds and my waist is 43 inches.  In fact all of my core measurements are in the forties.  I'm as round as a ball! I plan on weekly weigh ins on Saturday mornings with monthly measurements of my core.  This blog will probably turn towards nutrition and exercise as I place a healthy focus on me!  My goal today is to stay in the 'box' (which I'll talk about later) and get some exercise in!

It's been six years since my mom passed away.  This year has been a tough one for me so I'm really missing her.  Every year, my dad and siblings celebrate her life by going out to dinner together.  We've gone to the comedy club and had breakfast at a brewery.  We've had Mexican, Italian, American, and this year we're having Lebanese!  I'm sure my mom is happy that we are enjoying life. My dad remarried this summer and will soon move into a brand new home.  He is happier than ever.   They are a good reminder that it is possible to find happiness after suffering a great loss.

God continually reminds us that we are not in control.  It's not always easy to accept that especially when things do not go the way we think they should. Today I learned that the driver of the car that hit Haylee while she was walking her dog Lola was finally charged with something: failure to stop after an accident.  It was hard to read the story .  I pray for all of us involved that we have faith that this is all for the good.   I pray that we all find peace.   Relax, God's in Charge!  

Over seven years ago, I was one of four people picked in  WTOL's Weigh in to Win contest.  I won my life back.  At the time, all of my children were grown, living on their own, or in college.  I had an empty nest and was easily able to put my focus back on me.  Nine month's later, I had shed nearly 70 pounds.  I felt great. Throughout those nine months I was required to blog my daily thoughts. This is where my daily writings became part of the digital age.  I remember my first blog was titled Balance .  After the contest, my weight was steady between 155-165 pounds for more than three years.  So much has happened in life since then: losing my mom, then losing my job, a house fire-displacing me for six month's, turning 50 and more - I lost myself.   I began gaining weight - at the rate of 10 pounds per year.   That makes nearly 54 years old and weighing in at nearly 200 pounds.  I refuse to weigh 200 anything! I am trying to find balance again. 

Any female who has a sister has probably shared their clothes.  They may do it naturally, from hand-me-downs.  Or they may do it because they're smart and realized that if they share they have twice as many outfits to wear.

Tomorrow is the first day of school and so I must use my alarm clock to wake at 5:30 versus waking up natural a little bit later, like 6:30.  I'm going to bed earlier than usual, before 10 instead of before 11.  I'm wondering if Haylee will call tonight. I know it's silly to think that she call.  I know that she can't.  I am just reminded that she always called me on her time, not necessarily a convenient time for me.  For instance, if I went to bed early, she would call about 35 minutes after I had just fallen asleep.  Or, when she was working at the bowling alley, she would call any time after 2 a.m. She would call because she was lonely.  I'm lonely now...waiting for her call.

Today was retreat day for the faculty and staff of my school.  Our theme this year is taken from Jeremiah 18:6 Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand I've worked for a Catholic school most of my career.  I look forward to the beginning of the year retreat.  It's a time to gather together, catch up, and prepare for the upcoming year.  This year did not disappoint. 

Have you ever had one of those days where everything is just there?  A day where you feel like you're just going through the motions of your life?  Well that's what today was for me.  Merriam-Webster defines the blahs : a feeling of being bored, tired, etc.: silly or meaningless talk.  I have the blahs. I started my day as a normally do, with coffee, eggs, and words with friends.  I joined my dad at his church for a memorial Mass for my mom.  I went to brunch afterwards with Margaret, Derrick, and Carly.  I did a little work at St. Pats while Carly was at a play date.  I read my novel and gardened.  I'm glad it's almost time to call it a day.  I don't like the blahs.

I slept in this morning, opting for reading the novel I started a couple of weeks ago instead of a morning walk.  So I made it a goal to take a late afternoon walk.  I chose to go to Wildwood Preserve Metropark instead of my favorite Pearson Metropark as I had already driven to Oregon earlier in the day to deliver something to my sister Holly. My brown dog Aiden gets so excited when he is allowed to go in the car with me.  His tag is wagging and he sticks his head out the window as we drive.  Seeing him so happy helps me find a smile even when I don't feel like smiling. I decided what path I was going to take at the park on my drive there.  I made it a short walk,  Only two miles, as I have some work to finish this evening. With every step, I feel lighter.  The world is so green this time of year.  While walking in the park, I can't help but to look up and enjoy the beauty in God's creation called earth. A little bit of Green Therapy can go a long way.

It is the Friday before school starts. Anyone in education knows that school buildings and anyone who helps them run, are extremely busy. I want to thank Derrick for helping me today.  You are the best. So now I'm home...and unfortunately for me a car similar to the one that hit Haylee is parked in my driveway...so sad for me and yet so unknowing or inconsequential to the owner of the car. Then my daughter Justine sent me this:   To Mom   Almost everyday of her life, Haylee reminded me that I was her mom.  I had to listen...because I was her mom.  Or I had to go with her to something she didn't want to do because I am her mom.  I love you Haylee. This is hard to write because I am a Mom.

We measure ourselves almost as must as we measure others.  It shouldn't be that way.  We should only be concerned with ourselves...but we're human. Things in my life are not the way I thought they would be ten years ago.  Many of the reasons it is not were beyond my control, but there are things that are in my control and that is what I should focus on.  To put it simply...me. I need to take care of myself.  I am not doing that now. I am worried about my children and how they are doing.  I am worried about Haylee's dad and her fiance.  My children are worried about me because I even think about the latter when they do not care about me.  My response has always been, that's who I am.  I try to treat or treat everyone I meet in the manner that I would want to be treated.  The golden rule:  so hard to live by. I have been stuck in this spot before.  It is time to recalibrate, to evaluate and adjust.  It's time for a change.  I need to take care of myself first

Dear Clarence, It's been over four month's since Haylee's accident.  You seem to be visiting me daily.  I thought it would get easier, but it doesn't.  It just changes.  I miss Haylee's smile.  I miss her jokes.  I miss her kindness and sensitivities. I am sad today. Tomorrow is another day.   I will remember all the things I miss about Haylee.  There I will find delight. Me

Every morning I try to begin my day with a reflection.  It's a good way for me to get my mind thinking about all the good things around.  It helps me to stay positive. Throughout the day, I encounter many people at work.  I want to be a light for them.  This is not always an easy task, especially if I am worried or concerned about something.  Lately, I have been stressed about not completing all the work I need to do before school starts on August 20. I want to apologize to anyone I have been 'short' with this week; it is nothing personal.  It's all me and my worries.  I have to remind myself, that everything always seems to work out.  Have faith!

Ring ring... Hello? Hi Haylee,  it's been over four months since I've heard your voice.  I called but your voicemail picked up.  I left a message but I know you never listen to voicemail. I wonder what you do all day in heaven.  Do you take turns cooking dinner?  Derrick made dinner today - taco salad.  He put a little too much cayenne pepper in.  I think it was in the air.  I felt like I did when I was allergic to Cracker.  Do cats go to heaven too? I miss you.  Love you too.  Bye now.

This weekend was the 52nd annual Quinn Family Reunion.  As a family, we've seen alot of each other this year as we've had a year of losses.  In January, we lost Heather (41 years) to a brain tumor. She left behind her husband and two small children.  In April, we lost my Haylee (30 years) when she was struck by a car while walking her dog Lola. Then in May, we lost Aunt Betty (88 years) after a short illness. And just last month, we lost Bishop Bob (83 years) a truly holy man. It was nice to gather this weekend for fun, fellowship and food while sharing with and caring for each other.  The weather was fantastic, the host families of Lorain did an excellent job of preparing and as always it was a huge success.  I am blessed to have such a large extended family.

There are 11 days until school starts.  I have so much to do at home and even more to do at work. Since I took today as a vacation day, I knocked a couple of things off my todo list at home.  I feel better that the furnace room is a little tidier but the basement has a long way to go. I'm hoping that I will get everything I need to get done at work completed by next Friday.  Everything's possible ... right? For now, as is done that can be done.  It's off to the 52nd Annual Quinn Family Reunion: Get Your Glow On.

What would the world be like without friends?  I don't even want to find out.  I have some really great friends.  They make my day more fun and my life a little easier.   Thank you for being my friend!

I have been having the strangest dreams lately.  I see so many people and places from my past.  I've dreamed about childhood friends from the neighborhood where I grew up mixed with places of employment in the last ten years!  When my sister Barb died, I had a dream about her, or I should say, she came to me in a dream.  She was a very bright light and I knew it was her because of what she said to me.  It was a very special experience and it helped me be at peace with her sudden death.  Because of that experience, I think that I'm waiting for a dream with Haylee.  I know that is something I have no control over, but I know that it is what I hope for. The good news is that I am sleeping better and remembering dreams.

I do tech support at work.  Sometimes, I have to use tech support. Today was one of those days.  I work in the basement and have a microcell device hooked up to my network so that I get a better cell phone signal.  I've been using this device since May with no problems. This morning, at 2:30 a.m. I received a text from my provider that the microcell location could not be verified.  When I got to work, it was not working.  I troubleshooted for a little while, but decided to call the number listed on the text message. The first support person I worked with was very good.  The second one...not so much.  This may cause you to wonder, if the first person was so good, why did I need the second one?  Here is the reason: It can take 90 minutes for this microcell device to activate.  So we hung up and I missed her call back.  So I did the next set of troubleshooting that we had talked about, taking the device upstairs to see if it worked.  And it did!  I got a congratulatory email ack

Time waits for no one.  I work at school and yesterday the teachers were back in the building.   I have so much to do and I'm not getting to my to do list.  I'm trying not to get frustrated - so I'm writing about it. I like to help others.  I like to solve problems.  I really love my job.  I think I'm just a little stressed about my to do list being longer than usual with school starting in a little over two weeks. Just breathe!

One of my earliest memories about life came from Disney's movie 'Bambi'.  It was Thumper saying: If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all.  Hard words to live by. Why is it that sometimes, the people closest to you, seem to treat you the worse?  I know it's a misunderstanding, they think they know you, when actually, they've judged you and always expect you to behave or say things in a way that justifies their assessment.  I believe this to be true as I am guilty of this behavior. Years ago, I remember accepting behavior from someone I just met that I would never 'allow' my siblings to do.  Like choosing NOT to send their children to Catholic schools.  I felt that since our parents sacrificed to give all eight of their children a 1-12 Catholic education, that we were somehow obligated to do the same.  I was wrong.  We can all chose to raise our families in a way that suits us. We are all different! It also bother's me is

As I was at the lake this weekend, I missed the beginning of Toledo's water crisis.  I was lucky to be in the panic.  It's scary to learn that your drinking water is not safe.  And even scarier to think that our human life style (farming and factories) are what is responsible for contaminating our Great Lake Erie.

Thank you Skylar!  You went to bed around 10 and woke up after 6!  Grandma and everyone else in the house will be happier today. The amount of sleep you get is one of the greatest indicators of health. When I get enough sleep, my day goes better: I eat well, I have time to exercise and most of all, I smile more!

Last night was not a good sleep night for Skylar or her roommate, grandma (aka me).  She tossed and turned and farted all night.  Poor little thing.  I sure am hoping tonight will be better.