Just 40 Days

I need to upgrade my phone.  My entire cell phone experience has been with Motorola.  Some names I remember are: Rokr, Karma, and Atrix.  I had few if any problems with any of them. I even bought their tablet, the Xoom.  In four years, I have had zero problems with it. So I went to the att store...my current cell phone provider...with intentions to upgrade to a MotoX Within 15 minutes I learned that my research was not in depth enough...I wanted an app called "Drive"...and it no longer came on a Motorola product.  I was forced to switch to a Samsung Galaxy S5 Active.  

Today, I am happy. Did you know that school starts in three weeks?  This is a good thing because I am really busy at work.  When I'm really busy, I don't have time to think about sad things.  So that makes me happy! I don't feel like cooking today so Carly and I will head to Olive Garden to celebrate - 3 weeks left in summer vacation.

I know that I've said this before, but I really, truly, have been blessed to be born into the family I was:  Quinn->Grote->Herman->Brandt.  Today was the funeral Mass of my mother's 1st cousin, Robert W. Donnelly aka Bishop Bob. The Cathedral was filled with family, friends, and clergy.  It was a beautiful sight and tribute to a great man.  I am so blessed to have known him. I like the picture to the left as the letter 'l' looks just like Bishop Bob's staff.  How fitting!

I try to think about positive and meaningful topics over negative ones.  Some days, this is SOOO easy to do, and other days, not so much.  Today was a 50/50 kind of day.  I've been in a frump for over a week.  I thought I got my joy back, but I was mistaken and I'm sad that it's gone. So when I think about being sad I am...go figure. And when I stay busy ... I do better.  Tomorrow is the funeral for Bishop Bob.  All day I've been thinking that he's up there in heaven, visiting with all of his relatives and listening to my Haylee tell a silly story.

It's not always easy to stay true to myself.  I am constantly surrounded by people or things that give me a cause for reaction.  I have to continually remind myself that I ALWAYS have a choice. I get to choose whether to fall into the trap of reacting without much thought, usually meaning that I become like who/what I am responding to OR I can take the high road, and do something different - the right thing.  Admittedly, I am not very good at the latter.  I am getting better though. As a child, I remember many encounters with my mom.  We were alot alike and butted heads over most things.  As a parent, I see that pattern repeating itself with my son Derrick.  I know that my mom only wanted what was best for me and for me to grow...the same wish I have for all of my children.  I want them to be happy and to be the best they can be. I find that certain people or triggers always get me to react the same way which usually means poorly.  It...

At a family gathering today, I watched as my dad held and played with several of his great-grandchildren.  I think there were nine of them present.  He smiled, laughed, and talked 'baby-talk'.  He was so full of joy.   Both of my grandchildren were with me, seven year old Carly and five month old Skylar.  Carly was running around playing with the others while I rocked a fussy Skylar to sleep.  Life is good around grandchildren.

That's all the buzz of today...Christmas in July.   What does this mean?  What I know for sure is that I really have never gotten into it...the retail version, the party in Put-In-Bay, the only thing I know for sure is that it is fun to say: Christmas in July.  It kind of reminds me of another saying: It's a long long way from May to December. ...So life goes on.  Why rush it?  My entire family is here, sleeping in my house tonight, that makes me happy.  I don't need Christmas in July.

Everyone has a different view of the world.  What we see is bits and pieces of what is inside of us. As I was working in my sister Holly's apartment, along side of my two other sisters, I was reminded how each one of us is different.  Even though the four of us were born between December of 1960 to December 1965. We all had a different perspective, though similar, of the situation we were in.  I'm sure that Holly was feeling happy that we were helping here get ready to move while being sad to leave a building she'd lived in for 10 years or so. I was working in the kitchen, Margaret chose the living room, while Rosi chose the bathroom.  We all had different thoughts going on in our heads, as we completed similar, yet different tasks. As I was packing up the dishes I was trying to make sure Holly kept her complete set as I thought everyone likes to have matching dishes and I was donating all the mismatched things.  As the oldest of the four of us, I like to ...

I admit it, I don't like change.  It makes me grouchy.  It makes me sad.  It makes me think.  I don't like change.  Change means growing...again.  So yesterday I was helping out at my Aunt Betty's house - as it's going on the market.  My dad's house is already on the market and he is downsizing so I had to go over and pick up my mother's wedding china:  Silver Arbor pattern by Baronet China.  At one time, she had twelve place settings.  55 years later, there are 11 each of the dinner plates, salad and bread & butter plates, all 12 of the saucers and one lonely footed tea cup!  She also still has the hostess set with a platter, oval bowl, creamer & sugar.   I think that is a remarkable feat - surviving eight children, a house fire, and moving a couple of times! We used them every Thanksgiving and Christmas before Christmas dishes became popular. I loved this pattern so much that I purchased a similar one wh...

My family is rich in faith. Many of my relatives belong to a religious order.  Two of my mother's sisters are nuns and several of her first cousins were priests.  Yesterday, we lost one of the holiest men I have ever met:  my mother's first cousin, whom I always called Bishop Bob. To me, Bishop Bob glowed with holiness.  He was kind, soft spoken, caring and funny.  He listened with concern for the well being of all of us.  I am so lucky to have known him in a familiar way, thanks to the Quinn Family Reunion that has been going on for over 50 years now. We celebrate our heritage, strength, and faith every year. I am thankful everyday for all of the wonderful characters in my family. Quinn Family Reunion Mass:   Auxiliary  Bishop  Emeritus  Robert  W.  Donnelly aka Bishop Bob and Fr. Tom Quinn

Yesterday was a tough one and today is turning out to be similar.  Every song that played during my two and a half hour drive home reminded me of Haylee.  I cried a lot.  I don't mind crying, it's a cleansing for me.  It is exhausting though. I stopped and visited my cousin Janet, who lost her daughter about 100 days before I lost mine.  We had a nice visit and walked down to the park to see the deer.  There were many deer!  After I left her house I stopped at another friend's house.  I am lucky to have friends who let me drop in unexpectedly! Today I planned a cookout with a few of Haylee's friends to share some happy stories.  It's a beautiful night for a cookout!  And Lord knows I'm in need for some silly Haylee stories and to laugh with her friends. It was 100 days yesterday, I didn't know that until today.  Wow!

God works in mysterious ways.  Here I am at the lake, soaking up the sun, and without a book to read! So I look around the house for anything to take outside and I find Chicken Soup for the Soul - Father Daughter version. (My son-in-law Steve received it as a Father's Day gift.) I'm about halfway through ... tears of joy, sorrow, and a renewed faith in the Wonder of Life!

Thirty-two years ago, I began my journey as a mother.  I remember how excited and scared I was the morning I headed to the hospital for a planned c-section scheduled around 4 p.m. on Monday, July 19, 1982:  Derrick Thomas was born!  From that moment on my life was changed. Within two years, we moved from Indiana, to Ohio, and to Florida before having baby number two: Haylee Michelle.   A year later we moved to Virginia where babies number three:  Justine Claire and number four:  Paul Edwin were born.  I had four c-sections in four different hospitals.  It's 1988 and soon I will become a single mother of those four children under the age of six. What a journey this has been.  I wonder what God has in store for me during the next 32 years!

Sunsets are the prettiest at the lake.  Tonight a large crane rested at the end of our dock.  He was beautiful!  He only stayed a minute or so, until his partner flew by.  Then they flew off into the sunset together.

I work in technology.  I work with people.  I like what I do! Now that it's clear that I am where I am supposed to be; doing what I am supposed to be doing; and pretty darn content with all of that, what is going on!#$%? I studied computer science in college on the recommendation of my high school teachers because I was good in math and science.  But let me let you in on a little secret...God gave me the gift of technology!  I was that person who set your parents blinking clock on their VCR in the 1980's.  I don't think my parents even got one until the late 80's so I don't know how I acquired the skill to do this. Really...I rely on my gut and intuition.  They are my first go to and have ALWAYS been good to me. This gift actually shocks me sometimes as I pull a complicated answer out from instinct! But today was different...real different...things are not working like they should.  I am perplexed. In the past week I have felt more like myself ...

I really don't like making mistakes.  Who does? So as I take a big breathe and accept the fact that I did make one, I have to determine how big of one it is. I'm writing this during my lunch at work because the mistake I made happened at work.  I actually made this mistake last week, but I didn't know it was a mistake until today.  The funny thing is, I was so excited and relieved last week when I made the 'unknown' mistake. I should be grateful that I found the mistake now instead of next month, but that thought really isn't doing much for me right now.  So now I'm telling myself things like: 'it's not the end of the world' and 'you'll figure out a solution.'  I must admit, I am starting to feel a little better.  I'll let you know how it turns out.

I read a great blog today and learned a new equation:  Health = Recovery - Stress: [E (Workouts) + S (Stress)]   I used to teach accounting so I love a good equation.   This one is great because my life depends on it.  I love the definition of recovery:  eating, sleeping, & taking care of yourself - massage, yoga, church, family.  It takes all three to make up the assets of my health.  Just like accounting, the goal is to have more assets then liabilities.  So lets talk about those liabilities:  stress factors.   Working out (physical) is a stress reliever for me.  It is my job to determine how much I need to counter act the mental stress - stress enducers - work, family, money.   I can say I'm pretty even keel when it comes to anxiety and self-esteem.  I am lucky. So back to the equation that Health = Recovery - Stress   The questions I need to ask myself everyday are:  Did you ...

Yesterday afternoon, Carly and I hopped into my sister Margaret's new blue Honda and went visiting.  We stopped at all of Margaret's children's homes or future home.  She then showed me where she will be moving...all 4 of them will be about five minutes apart from each other.  How nice for them! Since we were in the neighborhood of Resurrection Cemetery, I was able to try out my new key card to get us in to visit Haylee.  This was my first time visiting.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it might be.  Someone had left flowers in the little brass container on her niche and the brass plate with her name on it was there.  I really like the urn we chose for her, and the 'goodbye' frog is perfect.  I know she would like how it looks. Margaret mentioned how lucky we were to visit her in air-conditioning, and that we didn't have to tend to overgrown grass and weeds around a head stone.  Carly showed Haylee she could do a cartwheel. It is so nice...

Last night, nothing on TV really interested me, so I sat at my computer ans read some articles, caught up on all things facebook, and reread many of my blogs.  It has certainly been a journey of rediscovery.  I cannot remember why I decided to give up fb for lent this year, but I'm so glad that I did.  I'm so glad that I decided to write then and to continue writing afterwards.  The process has been extremely helpful to me. Life is hard, and sometimes it isn't.  Growing, changing, maturing...whatever you want to call it...is hard work.  We all need and deserve the love and support of each other, and it helps to remember, we are not alone in our journey of life.  Peace!

Five days in to really taking care of myself and I'm starting to feel the old me. I'm feeling good, sleeping better, and generally happy. I'm not sure what comes first, seeing the good in all things around you, or being happy.  I do know that when I'm happy, I see all things good.  I say thank you more.  I help more. I share more. What I know for sure is that if I don't take care of me, I cannot do any of those things in the way they are intended.  It's not selfish, it's following the Golden Rule:  Love your neighbor as yourself!

Dear Haylee, It's been three months, thirteen weeks, or ninety-one days since you went to heaven.  I miss you.  I don't use near as many phone minutes since you left.  I don't know what you're cooking for supper.  We had pork chops, green beans with mushrooms and onions, and corn on the cob.  I know that you are where you are supposed to be because God wouldn't have it any other way.  But I miss you. I've been having alot of good days lately.  Keeping busy and taking care of myself by eating right and moving my body through space.  I feel a lot better.  Aiden and I walked four miles at Wildwood Metropark this morning.  He's been sleeping all day.  Gretchen and I laid out in the pool. 2184 hours...I miss you. Love, Mom

It was another great day!  I'm seeing the good everywhere!  Here is my gratitude list of the day: The weather was a gorgeous 70 degrees most of the day. I ordered the things I needed to order for work. I walked three miles with Aiden, my neighbor, while Carly and 2 friends rode their scooters. Derrick fixed his truck so it is no longer parked in my spot. I ate well. I drank lots of water. I complete three things on my personal to do list. I called my dad. I called a friend and scheduled a walking visit at the park. Life is so much easier when I see the good!

Today was a good day.  I was extremely busy and productive.  I was pretty much happy throughout the day!  So just how productive was I?  I even found time to try out another new program for money management .  I have used Quicken for years, but they don't have a good app for my devices, so I always have to go down to my oldest computer to track my money. I also got to play with, I mean set-up, some new devices at work.  They are HP Slate 21s...an 'All In One' android machine with touch screen for our PreK and Kindergarten classrooms. I did well not eating things on my cannot have for 30 days list.  I did not take the time to workout though...not even to walk Aiden.  But I will tomorrow!  For now, I'm hungry again...so it's time to go to bed.

Today I am starting an adventure - the Whole30.    I have been tired and achy all over for a couple of weeks now...more than usual.  The people at Whole30 seem to think it's from my 'healthy' eating of cheese, beans, and whole grains.  We will see. I will eliminate dairy, legumes, and grains from my diet for thirty days.  That means no peanut butter, chocolate or alcohol.  For those of you that know me, those are my top three go to comfort foods. I can have nuts, fish, veggies, eggs, some fruits and lots of other things I already eat.  Today I made scrambled eggs with peppers, onions, mushrooms and spinach for breakfast.  I made a tunafish salad without mayo...I used mustard instead...very interesting surprise!  For dinner I had more cooked veggies...thank you Derrick. I did a little cardio at the YMCA and took my dog Aiden for a long walk.  It's after 10 pm and I feeling a little hungry so it's time to go to bed.

Today, as I was getting ready to run some errands, my phone rang.  Caller ID said it was Abby Softball.  I haven't played on Abby's or any team for two years.  That means she was desperate!  It's 5:15 and game starts at 6:15. I don't know why I said yes, but I did.  I was the first to arrive, the sun was shining although the humidity was picking up.  Soon everyone was there and the sky grew dark, the first of many showers was upon us.  It was a light refreshing kind of rain as it continued throughout the game.  We should've been mercied in the 6th but continued you to play...still losing.  Fun was had by all and I didn't pull any muscles or fall and hurt myself!

I like to drive.  Along with my dad, my older siblings, Chris and Barb, taught me how to drive.  My sister had a brown Pontiac Firebird, a three speed. She taught me how to drive a stick shift.  My brother Chris' car, on the other hand, was an old Ford Galaxy 500 (I think).  I remember it had bubble seat covering...kept it like new!  Chris moved on to a cooler car...a 76 Monte Carlo.  It was dark green with a T-top and swivel seats.  It also had an eight track player!  I remember 'borrowing' it one Saturday to drive to a football game in Tiffin. I do my best thinking when I drive.  It's over a two hour drive to get the lake.  I got a lot of thinking in today!  I like to drive.

My favorite go to online dictionary, Merriam-Webster defines a maneuver as clever or skillful action. Used as a verb it means to move (someone or something) carefully or in a usually skillful way. OR to do something in order to get an advantage or get out of a difficult situation. As we maneuver our way through this life, it is often difficult to see the big picture.  Just as when driving down an old country road as a huge combine (big green tractor) pulls into the road ahead of you.  As the driver, you have to use math, timing the speed of the tractor and the speed car coming in the opposite direction to calculate what speed is necessary to pass the tractor.  Not all drivers are good at doing this.  They either lack confidence and experience in this situation and a fearful of doing what is needed to pass the tractor so they follow slowly. Many things can happen then.  The driver of the first car can become frustrated, blaming the driver of the tractor for...

Can you imagine how tired the colonists were when they finally defeated the British?  I cannot. I know that my life is extremely easy compared to theirs.  So how could I ever think that it is hard. The hardest part of my day, physically, was my track workout.  I did eight laps of walking and jogging with some lunges, bear crawls, grapevines and frankensteins mixed in.  The second hardest part of my day involved psychology as I was trying to understand and deal with family emotions.  And now I am trying to comfort my dog Aiden, who is terrified of the booms, crackles and pops of the fireworks.  (This may turn out to be THE hardest part of my day.) But MOST of my day way filled with fun, laughing, sharing and enjoying the freedom that we Americans take oh so much for granted. Happy 4th of July!  God Bless America!

There is just something about the lake that makes everything good.  Or maybe there's something about spending time away from home with family that makes me feel at peace.  We slept in, shopped, had lunch at a new place, shopped some more, made things, ate again, put together things, and laughed.

Maybe I'm not keeping myself busy enough.  It seems that some moments I am consumed by grief. A few 'strange' things have happened recently.  While waiting for my dad's wedding to begin last Saturday, I said to my sister Margaret "all three of my children are here".   Three!#%! I said three!  Very very weird to me.   Then, at the reception, I missed another opportunity for a family photo when we were all dressed up. You see, Haylee missed alot of family events during the past three years.  So whenever a photo opportunity arrived, she was missing, so I wouldn't line up with the rest of my siblings and their families for an individual family shot.  But now, I just realized, I can get a family photo, and Haylee will be missing (as usual), only now,  that is what our family looks like now. So it's okay. This is such an abnormal feeling for me.  But the 4th of July is coming and if we are all together (Derrick, Paul, Justine, and Steve, C...

It's July 1st and I'm thinking about my Haylee.  I miss her quirky self. This reminded me of the memorial on Main St. in Swanton.  It's quirky!  It makes me smile when I look at that big fat frog holding a daisy. I wish I could talk to the neighbors who started this.  Everytime I go there, no one is home.  Or when I knock on their doors they don't answer.  I hope it's the former.  Next time I will just take down their address and mail them something. It's amazing that the kindness of strangers can bring tears to your eyes.