Just 40 Days

As you may know, after being a widower for more than five years, my dad got married this past summer. His wife had been a widower for more than ten years and I went to high school with her daughter Barb.  Having never had a step sister before, I lovingly call her my 'evil step-sister' because that sounds more fun.  I had mentioned to Barb that I missed (and needed) my old friends from high school.  I wanted to reconnect with two in particular, Lisa and Patty, as they, like me, lost an adult child in 2014. Today we all celebrated Barb's birthday.  Cheers to you, Barb-my evil-step sista!  I love you.

I'm thinking that these next few weeks are not going to be that easy.  Everyday, reminds me of what I was doing last year at this time.  Today's reminder was Carly playing soccer.  The funeral arrangements and burial of Haylee took about 10 days from beginning to end.  During that time all of the family was in town.  The first weekend was full of soccer at the CYO fields.  Carly's great grandparents, grandparents, aunts and uncles all attended.  The sky was blue and the wind was fierce...alot like today.  Dear Clarence...good grief...let's get through this!

Today, many of my family members went to the Maumee Indoor Theater to see my granddaughter Carly in her school's production of the Little Mermaid, Jr.  It was very cute and of course she did great.  Carly was a sea creature.  Her 3 year old cousin Cameron was in attendance to see her and Carly gave her a hug during the production.  It was adorable. The reason I'm feeling melancholy is because last year's production of The Wizard of Oz, where Carly played a munchkin, was the last event that Haylee attended with us.

Today is a busy day.  Soon I will be going to the funeral of the 89 year old father of several of my cousins.  Uncle Bill was genuinely kind and will be missed by all who knew him. After that I will be heading over to my niece's home to celebrate my dad's 80th birthday.  From funerals to birthdays...life is made up of events that are sometimes planned but mostly unexpected.  It is not always the same as what we think if should be, but it is always life. 

I like to write more than I like to talk.  (I know, those of you who know me know that it's hard to get me to keep quiet.)  I like to write because most of the time my brain is going faster than my mouth and when I talk, my words get mixed up.  When I write, I can reread and edit.  When I talk...I only get one chance.  So, I like to write. I'm grateful that my mom forced me to take the typing course in high school.  I tried to fight her on it as I was going to college, not becoming an office worker like she was.  She was a wise woman as I used my keyboarding skills in college, earning extra money by typing term papers for others.  I continue to use my skills everyday. In my nearly 20 years of teaching, I have found that writing is a lost art.  Students seem to not like writing.  Whether it is with pen and paper or on the computer.  I feel bad that they don't share the joy of writing that I have.  It truly is a stress reli...

As I was sitting in the waiting area of the SafeLite glass repair shop while they replaced my shattered windshield, I was overwhelmed with a feeling  of empathy.  I was looking at my windshield and I thought, my windshield is broken in the same spot of that of the Ford Focus that hit Haylee. I had glass on the inside of my car, just as it did.  Then I remembered how scared I was when I heard the sound of the impact of the huge rock that hit it. I thought of the driver of the Ford Focus.  She must have heard a similar sound.  It was like a boom, I felt it in my stomach.  I didn't know what happened.  I didn't see anything hit my car.  I only know that I had glass on me.  I was frightened. I slowed down from the 45-50 mph traveling speed.  In that split second, I was already more than 200 feet from the bridge which the debris fell before I even realized that the sound came from the impact of something hitting my windshield.  I did...

 As I was driving home from work today on the Anthony Wayne Trail, trying to avoid as many potholes as I could, I heard a large boom!  I was frightened, thinking I had blown a tire, hit something, or perhaps even had been shot. (okay, maybe being shot was extreme but that's what I thought.)  My heart was racing as I looked out my windshield, noticing I was splattered with glass and the entire passenger side was shattered.  Apparently, something very large had fallen from the sky, or the overpass I was going under near the zoo.  The center of the impact was the size of a baseball. I didn't know what to do, pull over, call the police...it was heavy traffic, during rush hour.  I wasn't hurt, just shakened up.  So I slowed down my speed and decided to call 911 as a non emergency, to report the danger of the overpass. It was the old railway pass that is painted with animals.  The operator was very nice, kept me calm and took the information.  ...

I had not worked out for four days!  When I go this long between sweating my stress takes over, and I just don't make the time nor care to get my heart pumping and take care of me.  I can make tons of excuses:  it's too cold; I'm too tired; it's too late; and of course, I'll go tomorrow.  But these are just excuses and they are quickly followed by self degrading thoughts like: I'm a slug. How do I get myself in the right mind to take care of me?  I remind myself that I only get one body. Or if I don't take care of myself, who will? Or You look better in your clothes when you workout.  I also remind myself of the stress it relieves. The hardest part to working up a sweat is getting to the gym, or park, or starting the workout at home.  Or in today's case - I'm already at the YMCA to teach my class, so why not stay after to sweat!?

After dropping my granddaughter off at the theatre for 'tech week', I decided to take the long way home, following the river through Maumee, Perrysburg, and Rossford.  I am always amazed by the size of the homes on River road.  I always wonder who lives there.  I dream that somehow I receive a gift of one these homes so that I too, can have a spectacular view of the river. Driving this route always stirs up memories.  I remember going sledding in the park in Perrysburg during high school.  It was the largest hill around.  I passed Hospice of Northwest Ohio, where my mom passed away nearly seven years ago.  Driving through Rossford, I was reminded of my sister Barb, who lived there which stirred another high school memory, of her driving our group of friends, 'the Headman Headers' to the castle.  The castle was just a huge home on the river in Rossford.  We would drive there and sneak up the driveway, walking through the dark towards the ...

Water, whether it is steamy or frozen, is still water.  Or in the case of Lake Wawasee this weekend it is still water.  As I looked out onto the lake, it looked like water, but it didn't flow.  It was still...still frozen.  The interesting thing is that it no matter it's condition, water is calming. As I sat on the deck, looking out onto the lake, I was reminded that I am not in charge.  I was reminded that all things happen for the good.  I was reminded to enjoy what is right in front of me.  Sometimes, circumstances in my life consume me and I need reminders to not let them. They are what they are, events that will help me to grow into the person I am met to be.  I cried and as warm tears streamed down my cheeks the weight on my heart became less. I felt a peace come over me.  Water, whether frozen or in the form of tears, can cleanse me of myself.

My dad is my hero.  March 21, 1935 - That's the day he was born.  He always tells the story of how he was put in a teacup and set near the oven to stay warm.  (I never really believed him.)  He was the youngest of six, a surprise to his parents as they were expecting at the same time his older sister was.  I can only imagine being a child growing up during the great depression.  His family had survived and he was a blessing to them.  Perhaps that's why my dad is so optimistic and he has great faith. After marrying my mom, fathering eight children (five girls and three boys), losing both of his parents and enduring a house fire that displaced them for three months, all before he was 40, my father's faith only grew stronger.   My dad was a bread man - he drove a Hostess/Wonder truck delivering cakes to stores on his route. He woke up at 4 in the morning and got home before 6 p.m. in time for dinner.  He had Wednesdays and Sundays o...

Today was the day when the amount of daylight is the same amount of time as darkness.  There was also a solar eclipse and a super moon!  I know this because my 8th grade morning announcement crew mentioned it on their broadcast this morning.  My day at work was so very busy.  It went by super fast!  And then I was on my way for a weekend of babysitting my one year old granddaughter Skylar! I chose to take the back roads to the lake.  As I drove slowly (less than 60 mph) on the single lane highway, behind several different semis with grey skies and brown grass, I reminded myself that I do not like the back roads and to take the main roads where the speed limit is 70 mph and there are at least two lanes!  The only good thing about arriving from the north is I get to travel around the lake for about 10 minutes on my arrival.  I love the lake! I hadn't seen Skylar since her birthday, nearly a month ago.  She is so darn cute!  Always h...

Nothing beats a good night sleep. Lord knows I needed one! I slept through the entire night, waking at 5:23, just seven minutes before my alarm would go off. According to my UP app, that goes with my jawbone device, I had 3 hr. 45 min. of sound sleep and 3 hr. 32 min. of light sleep.  I am looking forward to a great day.  A day where my vocabulary will not be lacking and my mood a lot less grouchy!

I'm sure it's related to the patterns of my sleep or lack there of, but my tears are hanging out on the edge.  It doesn't take much to get them out.  Yesterday, during our annual St. Patrick's Day all school talent show they came during.  It didn't matter if or what the talent was; singing, dancing, or in Carly's case, whistling, my eyes were leaking!  Later that night, I even laid in bed and wept. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against a good cry but that is not what is happening.  I know that I need a good cry for so many reasons, I just haven't been able to get one in.  Now that I think about it, my body has been retaining fluid.  Perhaps it's full and the leaking of tears is helping to relieve the pressure.  I'm going to get to bed early and hope that a full night's sleep will help with the weepiness.  I am also going to have to find a movie or song or something to trigger the 'good cry' soon.  I need it! By the way, my...

I have been having trouble sleeping, well, staying asleep, and last night was no exception.  My mind will not rest.  I believe it's due to my high emotional state during the 31 days where I lost my sister Barb (3/13/98), lost Haylee, 4/11/14, and my parents were in a car accident on 4/14/06 that changed their lives forever.  Why is my mind is choosing to go to the 'dark' side instead of the 'light' by remembering all of the birthdays in March including (but not limited to) my dad on the 3/21, my son-in-law Steve on 3/25 and my son Paul 4/3 who was born on Easter Sunday. All day, I've been on edge.  I've been grouchy and full of complaints.  I do not like being like this.  I'm heading to the gym to sweat it out.  Sweat does that for me!

Aiden loves to go for a walk.  The weather is getting warmer and the sidewalks are getting dryer, so our walks are getting longer.  Today we walked two miles, jogging for about 1/2 of a mile during that time.  (I need to work up to three miles jogging.)  Yesterday, Aiden only wanted to be outside for about 20 minutes.  He headed for the car as soon as he saw it.  Today he made it 30 minutes, by passing the car as we continued on lap two.  Carly was on her scooter, with ear muffs and gloves.  My hands and ears were covered too.   It was brisk, but the sun was shining overhead, trying to take the chill out of the air.  It's great to be outdoors! 

Are you a good listener?  I know that I am better at it than I was before, but I'm still not the listener I wish I was.  I am constantly working on my listening skills.  It is hard for me to keep from responding.  It is hard for me to wait until a question is being asked of me.  It is hard for me to listen to the other person, instead of thinking about what I'm going to say when I get the chance. Even though, at times, I am a terrible listener, it's hard to believe that I am sooo much better at it than I was five or ten years ago and much better than I was when I was before my thirtieth birthday.  For me, as I grow, through hardships like: divorce, relocation, deaths, birth, fires, more death, weddings, more births, I become more patient with others.  I become more willing to listen to them.  I see less of me and more of them.  That is how to become a better listener.  Me<Listen>Them

I just spent the last hour, looking through photo albums for a nice picture of my sister Barb.  Apparently, she was the one behind the camera, as she managed to escape being in many of the photos.  I wanted to remember a happy time because 17 years ago, this day, Friday, the 13th of March, 1998 she was run over by a train at the place where she worked.  I, the one who usually remembers this day, did not until...I wound up at my Dad's house today and one of the first things I said to him was how did you live so long without Barb.  And then I said, didn't you worry about us, her sisters and brothers, and how we felt?  I said (relating my feelings of losing Haylee) that this sucks and he nodded his head. And then he said:  Isn't it nice, all the things people are saying about Barb today?  I looked at him and thought, OMG, today is March 13!  It was then, that I remembered.  All day, I felt that something was wrong or something was missing......

The snow is continuing to melt and temperatures are consistently in the upper 40's and actually hit 50 degrees a couple of times. Spring is only a week away so I braved sandals today.  I'm tired of shoes and socks. Many of the my co-workers were quick to notice that my toes were exposed.  They too, are tired of shoes and socks.  Free your toes!

Dear Haylee, It has been eleven months since you left us all here on earth to join all the angels up in heaven.  I thought that this would get easier, this missing you.  Perhaps some days it is.  But lately, I keep seeing your face or hearing your voice.  Somedays, you are so present in my mind that I cannot believe that you are really gone. Carly has been working on the play at her school.  Last year's play, 'The Wizard of Oz' was the last event you attended with us. Sarah and her girls came to the play with you.  It was the second to the last time I saw your smiling face.  A few days latter, when I delivered you your completed taxes, was the last time I saw you. Oh do I miss you. Love, Mom

I think it's a tragedy when traditions are let go or forgotten.  When this happens, a connection is lost to the people in your group, family, or society.  It is a sense of loss of self for an individual, an individual like me.  As I get older, I remind myself that many of the traditions I grew up with have changed to meet the needs of our family. This may have happened out of necessity:  Like the tradition of going to Grandma's house for breakfast/brunch after church on Sunday.  After grandma died,  so did the tradition.  Sometimes traditions change because the priorities of the people have change...if no on goes to church anymore, than how do you meet to have breakfast afterwards. Change in any form makes me feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes it's for the good, for growth of my spirit.  And sometimes it's not so good, a loss of my spirit.  Either way it's something I have to learn to accept and find a way to help our family tradition...

Sometimes I go a whole week without a taste of milk!  Then, I drink about three glasses in hour.  I find it interesting that my body craves the  things that it needs...like milk.  Lately, my bed time snack has been peanut butter toast with a glass of milk.  I prefer it when the peanut butter is melty and the milk chocolate!  But most of the time, I chose to drink skim.  It has all of the nutrients with less calories and fat.  I raised my family on skim milk.  But now, as my kids are all grown, they prefer to drink whole milk. What kind of milk does your family drink?

Maybe it's my imagination.  Or maybe I really do miss the hour that I lost last night due to daylight savings.  Whatever it is, I don't feel like myself today.  I feel in a fog. I kept myself sort of busy today, putting all of my winter decorations away and getting out the family photos and Irish, Easter, and spring things.  The family photos got to me.  I rearranged some from the way they were arranged in the fall.  I brought down more photos of Haylee. It is my thought that I will continue to mourn her for a year.  At least outwardly, as I know I will miss her forever.  In 34 days, it will be one year since she has been gone.

The red of the thermometer is supposed to reach 40 today.  It's 25 degrees outside right now so I believe the weatherman.  We still have over a foot of snow on the ground.  I wonder how much will melt.  It's been a long time since Aiden stayed outside for longer than a five minutes.  He doesn't like the cold at all. Personally, I like to be outside whenever the sun is shining.  I always find it humorous to watch people in the fall, the moment the temperature drops below 55 they bundle themselves up.  And then in the spring, the moment the temperature rises above 40 they forget their coats and some even begin to wear shorts and flip flops.  I guess temperature, like speed, is relative: compared to what we have had, single digit readings, a jump of 40 degrees is a heat wave! So bring on the warm! I am so looking forward to 'poop patrol', a task that I haven't completed since 2014.   NOT!

I just finished dinner.  I made poached eggs or what my kids call them, eggs in a cup.  My mom taught be how to make poached eggs, placing them in almost boiling water for a minute or so.  The hard part is getting them from the water to the cup without breaking the yolk. My mom also taught me to add a little butter and crackers.  That's just how I had them tonight.  They were delicious!  It is such a mystery, how food stirs up memories. I love making food that reminds me of my mom.

As I was walking into the house tonight after going to the YMCA, I noticed how beautiful and clear the sky was.  The moon was full, although it looked small, and the stars were bright.  I remember noticing the skyline the other day at dusk.  The orange and purple colors of the setting sun seem so vibrant in the winter against the white of the snow. Nature is calming to me and I have been restless lately.  I look forward to warmer weather and walks in the neighborhood or parks.  I know that my 50 pound dog, Aiden, is looking forward to that too. 

It's the beginning of the third week of Lent.  Day 15 without reading facebook status'.  It is a lot harder for me this time.  There are many events coming up: 80th birthday, bridal shower, Easter, wedding, Dart Frog Dash, and I have to find out details in the old fashioned way.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just means I have to use my phone more often.  I have to find out the location and my role in the event. I usually host Easter...except for last year...It's also been 47 weeks since Haylee walked on this earth.  I can't believe nearly a year has gone by. I think it will be good for me to host Easter Brunch again...bring back some normalcy to my world. 

If there is one thing that I've learned in my life, it's letting go.  Beginning with a breakup in high school after which I carried around this quote: "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was".  and throughout the rest of my life, I've learned that I'm not in charge of much.  I am blessed to have faith in a God who loves me and the rest of the people in my life.  I trust that good will always come out of the events that take place. Don't get me wrong, there are many times that I struggle with this.  When I have an picture in my mind, an idea of how I think things should be, I can be troubled when it doesn't turn out the way I expect.  But during the past year, I have found it easier to let it go.  It's easier for me when God is in charge.  Things don't hurt me as much.  I have more patience and a lot more time for myself. You should try it sometime!

On my way to the YMCA tonight, I was thinking about 'my person'.  The person who I can tell anything to.  I thought about my sister Barb, she was my person when I moved backed to Toledo in 1989 during my divorce.  I felt alone when she died in 1998.  Next I thought about my mom, we were so much alike, always butting heads, but I could and did tell her everything, especially after Barb died.  My mom was not the same after the car accident in 2007.  When my mom died in 2008, Haylee was my person. During the past couple of years, my other daughter, Justine and I became closer when she moved back home after college.  But now, she's married and raising her family in another state. Don't get me wrong, having your daughters be 'your person' is a good thing except, who do you go to when you want to 'vent' about them?  Your sons?  (I say jokingly!) I have three sisters, we've always been close, but we seem too busy for each other lately. I am bl...

I cannot believe it is March already nor that Haylee has been gone so long.  Watching Big Hero 6 last night, reminded me again that she is always with me.  Although, I don't have a computer chip of her to make another one, I do have my memories.  I was looking for something in my desk drawer and came across I piece of 'tin punch' art.  It was a heart that said #1 Mom and was signed by Haylee.  I think she made it in girl scouts.  I sure do miss her.