Just 40 Days

Since I haven't been sleeping well, I didn't make it to the YMCA on Thursday or Friday.  I used to feel really guilty about not doing cardio everyday.  Thankfully, I've grown out of that!  It's okay to 'just' take my dog for a walk.  Or 'just' walk a little extra at work or to count shopping as exercise! I have my strongest workouts on days when I haven't workout the day before.  Today was no different.  My cardio was really strong ... I even ran intervals for 10 minutes on the treadmill.  I also got a full circuit of weight training in. Rest is good for you!

So, as you all know I work in technology.  This week has been a week of hardware failure...actually just hardware glitches that made my work life a little busier than usual.  I was thinking of how much technology has changed over the years...and whether or not I think it is for the good.  And then I got this... She may be sick, but she's still happy!  Skylar at almost 1 year. Too cute right?  This picture made me think of myself in my 20's when my first born was one.  How much would my mom have enjoyed a photo like this?!  Technology is a wonderful thing...when it helps us share our lives.

Haylee's best friend Sarah stopped by to visit today.  It was good to see her and her beautiful daughters.  They played with Carly and exchanged info on their devices so that they can talk more.  Haylee and Sarah have been friends since their freshman year at Start high school.  I decided to give her Haylee's high school class ring.  I'm glad that she wanted it and  I hope that it brings her joy, remembering all the crazy things they did. Sarah brought pictures she found in an old disposable camera.  They were from five or so years ago when Haylee was living with me (again)!  There was a really nice one with my mom and Haylee.  Memories are good. 

It's a little after 5 in the morning and I've already had breakfast.  My alarm doesn't even go off until 5:30.  I've been awake since 4:18 and decided to just get up. I don't think it was something I ate, but it could have been as I did snack after 8 p.m. last night, but I did not sleep well.  Anxiety has been haunting me.  I have been so distracted.  I need to find my center.  I need my inner peace so that I can be one with my world. (Carly and I watched Kung Fu Panda 2 yesterday.) So here it is, twelve hours later and let me tell you what came today.  There was a beeping coming from the server room...a hard drive went down. Repairing it caused what seemed to be a lengthy interruption to Internet service (15 minutes downtime).  Several older wireless access points have been acting up so I considered adding similar guest access points to newer devices.  We had a fire drill...it's like 28 degrees...brrrr.   The good news is.....

I have got to believe that my innerself is telling me something good is going to happen because Lord knows, I don't want it to be anything less than good.  All that I know is that I've been stirring.  Perhaps it's the pressure I put on myself when I procrastinate.  (I've been putting off some things that have to do with Haylee's estate.)  Or perhaps, I'm excited that Justine got a better job than the great one she's had for the past year or so.  Or maybe, it's because I need to fix my car, start my taxes, finish end of the quarter things at work... or... anything else on my to do list. Whatever it is, I'd better figure it out soon as the anxiety I'm feeling is building and starting to affect my daily life in ways that are not good for me.    God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Something must be going on within me as I had a really good hour long cardio session at the YMCA tonight.  Lately, I only manage to get 30 minutes in but tonight, I pedaled for 30 and then went on an AMT for another, more intense 30 minutes.  I turned my music up loud, closed my eyes, and nearly cried as I took my body to near exhaustion.  The song I remember the most is "Whatever Gets You Through Today" or whatever gets you through the day.  (from a Grey's Anatomy soundtrack) I'm glad that I have a YMCA for exercise to help manage my stress.

I try not to have much to do on Sundays.  I'll admit, Mass, may or may not be on the list.  Most of the time I hear the Mass on TV at 11:30.  I went to bed at my my usual time around 10 pm. last night so I was fully rested by 7.  I decided to use the pie crust my brother Chuck left in my refrigerator at Christmas time.  So I made Quiche Florentine with eggs, coconut milk, spinach and green onion.  It was delicious! I headed to the YMCA for some cardio and strength training and spent ten minutes before and after in the sauna.  I love the sauna!  After tutoring for an hour, I was able to head home to relax.  It seems that all I've done since then is snack, drink tea, and watch TV.  I kind of feel lazy although, since I worked out today, I'll call it rest!

Today, after visiting with family and friends, I came home to a marathon of Lion King Movies including Lion King 1 1/2 and Lion King 2.  I can only say... I love Disney!

Today's thought is brought to you by the letter 'P'. When I listen to or read as other people tell the story of their lives, it brings perspective to mine. Merriam Webster defines perspective as a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.  If a person isolates themselves from others, then they miss out on gaining perspective. I believe, that is why God put so many people in our lives and perhaps on this earth, to help change our perspective and learn to cope with our lives, our humanness. There is always someone who is struggling more than me.  There is always someone who has it easier than me.  Social networks allow plenty of people to politely post their practically perfect account of their lives online.  Although some are not always polite about posting, I find that most are.  I read alot of information online each morning, from the news to social networks.  I click on links that other like minded people post ...

God sure thinks I'm a strong person.  As I was pedaling today at the YMCA, I reflected over some major turning points in my life.   I am the third of eight children, all born within 14 years. I had my appendix removed and spent a few days in the hospital when I was 8 years old. Our house had a big fire.  My family, mom and dad plus eight children, were out of our house for three months - November, December, and January. I attended public school for seventh and eighth grade. I was the first in my family to go away to college. I got married and had four children.  We lived in Pensacola and Virginia Beach. I got divorced and moved back to Ohio. I received my degree in Education. My sister Barb was killed in an accident at work. I bought my first house. My parents celebrated 50 years of marriage. I became a grandmother. My mother died. I lost my job. A year later, I got a new job. I had a house fire and lived with my brother Chris for six months. ...

My favorite online dictionary, Merriam Webster, defines remorse as a feeling of being sorry for doing something bad or wrong in the past, a feeling of guilt. Or a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs. To have remorse is to take ownership of things that we are not proud of.  Acknowledging the choices you make, the good ones and the bad ones, allows you to grow.  Isn't that why we are here?  To live and to grow and to learn how to love our humanness?

Dear Judge, No one can measure the loss of a child. No one can measure the loss of a sibling. I cannot imagine how the driver feels. I cannot imagine how her mother feels, trying to support her daughter through this. I only know that this was a tragic accident that affected many lives, but most directly, the lives of Haylee and the driver. It is my opinion, that had there been sidewalks on Main Street, between the high school and the housing at Valleywoods Drive, this accident may not have occurred. Although the circumstances that bring us here are unfortunate, I do not think jail time would help anyone.  With that in mind, it is my hope that the driver would be asked to petition the city of Swanton and secure funds to have sidewalks put in. This type of community service fits the scenario. Her efforts could help prevent another accident of this type from happening again and would benefit the community in so many ways. It could also provide some healing to the driver and t...

The more days I live in this world, the more I learn what matters. And guess what American culture, it's not what I wear, or where I live, or what I do that matters.  I have learned that it is people that matter.  It's being kind to the people you live with, work with, and even the people you don't know. Kindness is what matters.  It starts with being kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you think you have made throughout your life.  Remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you had at the time.  And then take that kindness and forgiveness and apply it to all the people you meet.  That is what matters.

Today I had a long lunch with my friend Paula.  We met at 2 and the next thing you know, it was 5 o'clock!  We had such a nice visit.  Sharing stories of our lives is good for the soul.

Today it was warm enough (above freezing) to take Aiden for a walk in the neighborhood. Whenever I'm walking with Aiden, I think of Haylee walking Lola.  The picture above is from two years ago.  Lola is on the left and Aiden is on the right.   Haylee took the picture and joked that they weren't friends yet so she has to sit in between them.  Since Haylee's accident, walking the dog brings mixed emotions.  Somehow I feel close to her.  Like she is with me on the walk and telling me she is okay.

I'll admit it...I am a procrastinator.  That in-turn, helps me to work well under pressure.  Today is Friday...and I finally took care of a few things related to Haylee's accident that I was dreading.  I have to admit, if I would've taken care of them sooner, I would have dreaded them less.  Funny how that works! I also went to the salon.  I always feel good after leaving there.  My hair never looks as good as it does when my stylist does it.  (I guess that's why she's the professional!)  I schedule my appointment for Friday, just in case I go out to eat somewhere.  That way I look better than usual.

I usually do not get sick and don't want to start a habit of it.  But, last night I started feeling a scratchy throat so I drank some lemon tea and then I took some (preventative) cold medicine before bed.  When I woke up it was still there, so I've been sucking on cough drops throughout the day.  I really don't feel bad, it's just my throat...and my ears a little when I swallow. Perhaps I'll need to gargle with a little warm salt water when I get home. I am very lucky that I don't get sick very often.

Several months ago, I acknowledged that my weight was going in the wrong direction for too long of a time.  I had gained nearly 40 pounds in four years...after keeping off the 70 pounds I had lost four years before that.  So I began another journey toward health.  I lost nearly 25 pounds in three months. Then December happened. At the beginning of the month, I paid attention to my calories and exercise.  I even purchased a Jawbone fitness tracker to help keep me on track.  Halfway through the month, I totally fell off the program.  I barely had more than one fruit or vegetable a day when I had been eating at least five for months.  I hardly drank water and Christmas cookies were becoming a staple. Needless to say, I began to gain weight.  At the beginning of this week, I weighed in at 187.2.  That's about seven pounds more than I did at Thanksgiving.  So...I'm trying to get back into my healthy routine of drinking lots of water (w...

What better way is there to celebrate Haylee on her birthday than to go to the bowling alley where she worked most of her life?  So that's what we did.  We gathered, shared some laughs, toasted to Haylee, ate some unfrosted white cake, and decided to bowl. There were about 15 of us with eight of us bowling.  We bowled on the same two lanes that Haylee and I bowled on a few years back when she was trying to reduce the rent I was going to charge her if she moved back home.  I think she was around 24 years old and this would've been the third time that she moved back home after she moved out at 18.  The deal was: if she beat me in bowling, I would reduce the amount by $50.  She won the first game, and the 2nd...she wanted to play a third and I said double or nothing!  She was so excited...until I won! Haylee went on to find her own apartment with a rental cost of $25 more than I was going to charge.

I happy to say, I'm pretty happy! I slept pretty well last night, and woke up to a blanket of snow...I love snow.  I patiently waited for the announcement, and our school was placed on a two hour delay so I got to piddle around...who doesn't like to piddle?  I did a little shoveling...I love to shovel...and then I headed to into work. I had a pretty good day at work, taught three classes, had lunch and solved a few technology issues.  I ended the day with a workout at the ymca.  I'm finishing up my day writing this and enjoying a cup of tea!  Life is Good!

Today, our church celebrated the baptism of Jesus. Baptism is a Christian sacrament of admission and adoption, usually with water, into the Christian Church. My siblings and I were all baptised as infants. Three of my four children were also baptised before they were three months old. The last of them, Paul, was eighteen months old before he was baptised.  Moving on to my grandchildren, Carly was about to turn seven when she was baptised and Skylar is nearly one and has yet to be. When I hear the story of Jesus and John the Baptist in the Jordan river, I smile because it reminds me of when my sister Barb, was baptised as a Morman when she was around 30.  Most of my family attended the ceremony in support of her.  My mom was quite nervous, as one of her babies was leaving the Catholic church.  As we were waiting for the baptism to start, my mom looked up and saw the picture, similar to the one on this page, and said "who is that a picture of?"   I looked ...

I've been struggling these past few days.  Life has been weighing me down with grief, family unemployment, aches, pains, and frigid cold weather. I realized that I'm focusing on these 'problems' and not taking care of me.  My family, and myself, are going through growing pains...again.  We are changing into a new version of us. Growing pains are not new to me, as they are a part of life.  Most of the time I'm pretty good with coping with them.  But sometimes, they get the best of me and I choose to wallow in them.  I  become sedentary.  I forget to eat my fruits and vegetables.  And although I drag my body to the YMCA each day for a little cardio, I become a slug. I had two chances today to be with other people, share stories, and enjoy life, but I chose to do neither.  Granted, sometimes it is good to be alone and to reflect.  Not much reflecting happens on the couch watching movies. Then I remembered that there were a few ...

Dear Haylee, You have been on my mind so much today. I thought it was because it is so near to your birthday, which I'm sure is part of it.  Then I realized that today, it has been nine month's since you last took Lola for a walk. I look at my dog Aiden, and how much he turns to me for love, support, understanding, food, water...whatever dogs think, and I wonder how Lola is doing without her Haylee.  I'm sure Linda is taking good care of her.  I talked with my cousin Janet today.  She lost her daughter Heather in January to brain cancer.  Talking with others with similar loss helps some.  I also received a letter today from the prosecutor's office, that sentencing in your case will take place in ten days........I remind myself that I know that you are happy where you are.  That you are accepted and get to be the real you ALL of the time.  I love you and miss you.  I am glad that you are happy. I love you. Mom PS   We...

So today, over 99% of the schools in our area cancelled school for the day.  Wind chills were expected to be between -20 and -30.  They did this (close school) as early as the six o'clock news!  I think this is great thing --- early notification.  I went to bed without setting my alarm clock! It is always good to wake up naturally, go to the gym and then go to work! Now back to the cold...brrrr...it is really really cold out. On another note, I decided to do something on Haylee's birthday next week.  I'm hoping a few family and friends will join me at the bowling alley where she worked for over 10 years to have a drink and toast to Haylee and all the goofy memories we have of her!

Have you ever left work feeling exhausted but great because you accomplished alot?  That's how I felt today.  I walk into the building at 7:30 a.m. and walked out of it at 5:00 p.m.   I think I had to play all of the parts of my technology/teaching position:  I worked on the phone system, and solved a wifi issue.  I helped others with their printing issues, fingerprinted someone and showed some teachers how to save time.  Oh yeah, and I taught fourth graders too. As I was teaching the fourth graders, who had to log on to three different programs with three different, though similar, user names and passwords, I explained to them how important it was for them to remember all of their different IDs.  In the past, I had tried to make all of the students' log in information the  same for each program.  I DO NOT do this anymore.  This is our life in this information age.  The fourth graders will think of different logins as part of l...

Today was our first snow day of the school year.  I used to get excited about that.  But since it was not a level three, I still had to go to work.  I get alot of work done at school when the students are not there.  With that in mind, snow days are still exciting! I need to keep busy...I've been thinking about Haylee's birthday.  She would've been 31 next Tuesday.   I think that I will make her one of her favorite dinners and hopefully the dinner conversation will be full of fun loving memories of Haylee. I do miss her so.

As I awoke this morning I was startled by a bright light.  As I looked out the window, I saw that the moon was full and seemed to be glowing.  I cannot remember a moon so large and so brilliant.  It was magnificent.  What a wonderful start to the week! Nature will totally effect my mood.  It reminds me of how small I am.  It helps me to keep things in perspective.  However small, I am enough.  I have a purpose.  Let me be the light in someone's day today.

Although it is not yet January 6th, the 12th day of Christmas, the readings at Mass today were of the Epiphany of the Lord, when the three kings visited baby Jesus with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.  I always ponder the reason for three kings...representing the ages of man...young, prime, and old.  As I think of the age of my life, I imagine that I am nearing the end of my prime.  At 54 years, I figure prime goes until 60.  Perhaps the age of man is 21-40, 41-60, and 61-80.  I don't  know, I'm just thinking out loud and don't feel like googling it.  What do you think? The feast of Little Christmas, as we called it, also signals the end of the holiday season.  For me and in my house, I have taken down my Christmas tree and anything with Santa.  I have left up the Nativity scene, angels, and snowmen.  I will probably put away the nativity set next weekend.  I'm not sure if I will be putting the angels away though....

Today is the third day of the year and I am reading the third passage in  Mark Nepo's "The Book of Awakening" - Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.  Being present in my life, paying attention to and loving those around me is something I am conscientiously working on.  My life has been full of second chances...learning how to fall, to get up and to laugh at myself. I am so blessed to have the skill of laughing at myself.  I don't know how I would've survived without it.  I don't even know how I acquired it.  I only know that I've had it all my life.  As I age, I realize what a gift it is.  I call it my spirit! Of all the people I have met, it is those that  also laugh at themselves that I can relate to and understand.  They are going with the flow of their lives and realize that as humans, we are not perfect.   I try to do my best, make good choices and to accept what happens and that turns out...

My friend Karen invited me to celebrate her birthday at the 1st Walleye Winter Brewfest downtown at 5th 3rd Field.  So I dressed in layers, as it was 27 degrees and this is an outdoor event.  We checked in and received our 3 oz. mug and punch card with 15 spots to sample many wonderful brews.  Most of the brews I sampled were stouts or porters.  I love the dark color, smell and taste of them!

For the past six or seven years, my extended family has bowled a few games to start off the new year.  For most of us, it is the only time we bowl each year.  Although I have my own bowling ball, bag and shoes (thanks to a birthday gift from Haylee), the last time I bowled was 365 days ago. There were 13 adults and 4 kids this year.  My team gave it a good try with Paul bowling the game of his life (he said with help from heaven) we lost the first by twenty pins.  Personally, my goal is a 100, and I bowled an 85 the first game inproving to 121 the second.  We lost that game too.  Great fun was had and thoughts of Haylee were abundant!   A happy start to the new year.