Just 40 Days

It's been a while since I had a good cry, missing Haylee.  I'm finding it hard to believe that she's really not here on earth. It seems like I just saw her yesterday.  I ended up running a slide show on my computer with all her photos in it.  It was a good cry.

I read a great article in the 'May We Help You?" section of my September O Magazine by  Martha Beck .   She used a metaphor of a vending machine as life where virtue was money and happiness was the product.   So if we are always doing the right thing, or being virtuous, then why aren't we happy?  The article suggests it's because we are using the wrong kind of money, erroneously valuing/defining virtue. My favorite dictionary, Merriman Webster,  defines virtue as:  conformity to a standard of right or  a particular moral excellence.   I believe that doing the right thing should ALWAYS be in the forefront of our minds.  The big question is whose standard of right?   If I do what is politically correct or what what my religion wants, or what my parents say then I should be happy - right?  But if those standards weigh heavily on my own instincts of what is right or wrong then I will not be happy.  I will b...

I think it was Ben Franklin who said:  Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. That is a thought I've always agreed with...at least the healthy part.  I can say that I'm pretty healthy. I don't take any medication aside from the occasional ibuprofen.  But as a single mother of four, with a single income from a Catholic school, I'm certainly not wealthy unless wealth is measured in all things but dollars.  As for the wisdom part, I'd like to think I grow in wisdom each day. When I woke up a little after four this morning, instead of my usual 5:30 work day schedule, I decided to just get to my day.  I started thinking about what I was going to write about and wrote the title to this post.  Now my intention was to call it:  Early to Rise.   But as you see, I made an error.  I went to fix the error and decided I liked this title better: Early to Wise. I believe all of the events in our lives are opportu...

Ever since I found out that Haylee was killed by a distracted driver, a driver who was texting, my heart has been restless. Previously, I thought I held a peaceful acceptance of a terrible accident that took my daughter's life.  Now my brain is spinning constantly...what to do, what to do?  As I drive to and from work, I see more than half (if not all) of the other drivers with their heads down, looking at their phone!  It makes me want to SCREAM:  My daughter was killed by a driver like you! There are so many campaigns out there - trying to educate drivers.  I want to join one.  I want to make a difference. I don't want anyone to lose someone they love to a distracted driver.

With five days of school under my belt, I'm realizing how out of 'school shape' I am.  My voice hurts from talking more.  My feet hurt from standing on a concrete floor all day.  My pedometer is happy as I easily get nearly half of my goal while at work.  Gone are the days of summer when I can sleep in past 6 a.m.  My patience is still...um, let's say its okay.  I really try to give the students time to do the right thing. I really try to hear their excuses.  I really try to see things their way.   Big Sigh....

Thanksgiving 2008 I was having trouble falling asleep last night...missing Haylee.  When I finally did, I had a strange dream about a cottage, with blow-up rafts in the rafters.  And now as I sit here in the kitchen, drinking my coffee, looking at the photos on the wall of my kids, I'm feeling emotional.  Most days, I can't believe that I raised four kids.  I remember when they were little, when we first moved back to Toledo in August of 1988.  Derrick started 2nd grade and Haylee was in kindergarten.  Sending them to St. Thomas Aquinas was one of the best decisions I made.  I remember them playing soccer and running cross-country.  Here it is, 27 years later.  I have grandchildren and a dog.  Haylee is gone to heaven and I'm feeling anxious.  Maybe that's the coffee or maybe I'm just wondering what the future holds for my family.  I know we will be all right as God has a plan for us.  So I will leave it to Him and...

Just saying...

Ahhh...after a busy week of a new school year and two family functions (dinner & Mass) to celebrate my mom, I took the time today to rest and relax.  The weather has been perfect lately, sunshine and high 70's.  I was able to get some sunshine in yesterday so I stayed inside and finished the book I was reading.  It was a good day.

My mom died seven years ago an August 22nd.  We celebrate her on the anniversary of her going to heaven.  She liked to have fun, go out to eat and to laugh so we try to do the same without her.  One year we went to a comedy club, another time we had brunch at a brewery.  We always have a Mass in honor of her and join my dad at his church on Sunday.  I miss you mom.

Today was the first Friday of the school year and I did not celebrate with my friends and other teachers during happy hour.  This has got to be a first for me.  I was so exhausted from the week of back to school preparations.  Longer work days proved that I was out of 'school shape'.  I also chose NOT to color my hair and only got a cut.  I told my hairdresser I didn't need it yet, but really it was that I was too tired to wait the two hours it takes to get it done.  I still can't believe I was too tired for happy hour!  When has that ever happened?

Yesterday was the 1st day of school.  It is my fourth year at St. Pat's and my 18th year in education.  It is the first year in a long time that I will not have air conditioning for part of my day.  As the tech person or computer teacher, I have been spoiled by AC.  This year, I agreed to teach my middle school teachers in a regular classroom instead of in my computer lab.  What was I thinking? It was a very hot and humid day!  I decided to 'suck it up' and brave the elements.  The 8th graders I had were not too happy, but we lived.  But it was the first day, so they were on their best behavior.  It went by fast.  Wouldn't it be nice if ALL teachers and students would treat each school day the way they treat the first day of school?

Today was the first time since May that I had to use my alarm clock.  It was easy for me to set it as the time I wanted to awaken, 5:30, had not changed.  But after it went off, I didn't know how to turn it off!  I knew I didn't want the big snooze button as I am not a snoozer. All I know is how much I struggled trying to make it turn off, that I had to resort to turning on the light to read which button was the reset.  I honestly cannot remember having to do that before.  I must be getting old.

I wear reading glasses.  I have a dozen pairs between the car, work, and upstairs or downstairs at home. Earlier this summer, I decided to take my favorite pair to work.  When I'm not using them, I hang them on my ID lanyard. Tomorrow is the first day of school, therefore I was busier than usual, helping the teachers and staff with all of their technology needs.  In fact, I had over 10,000 steps on pedometer from work! (I usually only get around 4000 on a typical day.)  Needless to say, I was all over the building.  Around 1:30, I went to reach for my glasses, and they were gone! I searched in the last couple of classrooms I had been in.  Having no luck finding them, I was forced to take out the pair of readers from my purse.  I sure hope someone turns them in to lost and found or that I find them.

Have you ever felt that there isn't enough time in the day to do all of the things on your todo list; let alone the things you want to do?  If you said yes, then you know how I feel today.  In fact, it's how I've felt for the past couple of weeks. I am so unfocused.  My mind is scattered...bouncing from thoughts to lists....to people, places, events...all of which I hope to attend to.  But reality sets in and I know that I can't make them all. I don't like it when I find at the end of the day, I did not complete the things that I set out to do.  It deflates me.  Yet, I would rather quit work at a 'normal' time instead of working until my list is complete.  Even then, I'm usually running late so that my at home list is never complete LET alone my personal list ... which for some reason is last on the list of priorities. One of the most important personal things I do, is to write this daily blog.  I love to write.  It is a healing, gro...

I remember mentioning my balance issues is a previous blog , where I promised to practice and let you know my progress.  Well tonight I tried it again...walking on the track with my eyes closed. I have to tell you that I practice this everytime I'm on the track and there is a lane for which I can measure my progress. Guess what?  I am SOOOOOO much better at this than I was when I started.  I'm not sure if the results are from practice or focus or a combination of both.  I only know this, I must practice OR focus more on my balance in order to keep my balance.

Today my friend Wendy got married.

  Why do I always seem to forget that the week before school is probably the busiest time for me.  It's a time when I do more for others than for me.  Why do I always seem to forget that? It's a week full of in-service, professional development, hooking up, and troubleshooting.  It's a week where I really have to listen to other teachers, and help them ready themselves and their classroom for the school year.  The thing is that all of the teachers are different.  Some arrive on the first day they are allowed back into their classroom, (over two weeks before the 1st day).  While others don't show up until much later. Everyone has the same urgency to finish setting up their room, get their class lists, and check that everything works.  ...I've just realized what this week has done for me: I can't wait until school starts!

Go with the flow... Does that mean traffic? Does that mean the river? Does that mean, keep your mouth shut? I wish it meant, quit paddling and let the lake take you to peace. Oh wait - that's what it means...quit trying to take control of your life and let God be in charge!

My school begins every school year with an all-staff retreat.  Today was the day for that.  We met at a park.  Our theme this year is: Embracing the beatitudes.  We learned to view life from the cross.

It's been a little over a week since I learned that the driver of the car that killed Haylee was texting.  I saw this information with my own eyes, from the records given to me that came straight from the prosecutors office.  WHY wasn't this information ever released? I have always had compassion and empathy for the driver.  Always believing that this was just a terrible accident.  But now, I can't sleep.  I struggle with the human-ness of our justice system.  I ca't understand why we gather facts, like phone records, but then fail to read them.

I am nearly 55 years old and have had a checking account since I was 18.  I cannot remember ever blowing up my checking account before...but I guess I did last week.  Upon further review, I forgot to enter a large automatic withdrawal into my register.  As soon as I noticed, I transferred funds and made electronic deposits to cover it. But electronic deposits on Saturday are not posted until Monday - after all incoming withdrawals are posted giving the right for my bank to charge and additional 27.50 courtesy fee.  I had already been charged a courtesy fee plus eight dollars in transfer fees on Friday.  Which brings the total to $63 in fees.  $63 in wasted money.  I will not make this mistake again and I will be calling the bank to get some of the fees rescinded.

Quinntucky Derby - Family Reunion 2015 One week ago, my very large family, on my mom's side celebrated their 53rd annual reunion.  We wore our derby best to the party on Saturday night.  We sure know how to throw a party!

There really is nothing like being on the water.  I like the peacefulness of a pontoon ride.  Circling the lake and looking at all of the different cottages, wondering who lives in them. Dreaming of affording one some day.  If I could afford lake front property, how big would I need it to be?  Does it have to house me and a couple of friends?  Or does it have to house all of my kids and their families?  Bigger yet, does it have to house all of my siblings and their families? So I think four bedrooms is enough regardless of who comes.  Perhaps it just needs to sleep twenty!  Just kidding as that would be huge.  If twenty adults were there we would need at least three full baths and four would be better.  Perhaps the four bedrooms would ALL be suites.  Now I'm dreaming!

Waiting for the TFD Investigator to complete his task. (The airing deck above is where I 1st went out to investigate the beeping (fire alarm) and found my yard filled with smoke and saw flames coming out of the basement window.) I just remembered that a little over five years ago, on August 4th, 2010, I was awakened by the sound of my smoke detectors.  It's hard to believe it was so long ago.  Once I found my way out of the house, I remember thinking things like:  Can we use our own water & hose to put the fire out or do we have to wait for the fireman?  What's the protocol?  (Who says that?)  I also remember sitting on my neighbors porch watching the fireman, who are all good looking by the way.  I was thinking:  Fireman in my bedroom, my dream come true...but here I sit on my neighbors porch. I loved my house then and I love it even more now that I have a new kitchen, baths, and central air.

I remember when my sister Barb died, one of my mom & dad's friends, stood up and said "we need to share the stories of Barb".  It's about the stories.  I took that as my cue to share some of my Barb stories at her funeral the next day.  I had never spoke in front of 500+ people before.  I know I was nervous and thirsty, but that didn't stop me from sharing my stories.  I am so glad that I decided to speak/ eulogizes my sister Barb.  It helped begin my grieving process. I find it interesting that when older people die, like my grandma at 84 or my mother at 72, there are many stories to tell.  But in the case of my sister Barb, who died at 38 and my daughter Haylee, who died at 30, there are less people willing to share their stories.  As Haylee's mom, I have hundreds of stories of her growing up.  But after she turned around 21 or so, I have less.  I love hearing stories of Haylee and can't wait for you to share your story of h...

Yesterday was a LONG day at work.  There was something wrong with our network.  It is tough for anyone to work when all of their information is in the cloud and they can't get to it.   Initially, I thought the first occurred during the heavy storms of Sunday night.  I was not at work on Monday and it was reported to me that the internet worked intermittently and they were able to work, at a much slower pace. Upon arrival, I noticed that we had no wifi in addition to the slow, wired network access.  After eliminating many causes of the problem, I decided to focus on the switches.  (Hey if a bad switch can take down an entire airport, then I think it could happen to us.) Fortunately, the switch was located that was causing the problem.  We then isolated the machine and followed it to the room where we found that there were two sources going to the same switch, creating a loop.  For those of you who don't know what that is I found this easy e...

The maintenance man in our school building gave the okay for teachers to come in to set their rooms up for the school year.  We have over 30 teachers.  I wonder how many will show today...and which ones will wait until three days before school starts.

The universe is ALL of time and space, and its contents.  You will NEVER believe what I learned today.  It is so cool! It started as a busy day...with a deposition at 9:00 a.m.  It was difficult but all of us involved survived and hopefully processed a little more of the events leading to Haylee's tragic accident. The neatest part of the day was learning this:  We know that Haylee's accident happened around 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday, April 9, 2014. Her phone records indicate that both of her parents; her dad, at 8:46 p.m. via phone and voicemail and her mom at 9:06 via text message, were the first to try to talk to her NOT knowing that she had been in an accident that took her life.  It's like Haylee called out to her mom and dad and the universe contacted us and we tried to answer her.  I truly believe that Haylee knew that we tried to reach her when she needed us the most.  I love you Haylee and miss you everyday.

Quinntucky Derby - Quinn Reunion 2015 This weekend I attended the 53rd annual Quinn Family Reunion.  Can you believe that?  A family that has been formally getting together for 53 years!  But that's us...descendants of Steve and Rose who came over on a boat from Ireland in the late 1890's. The weekend requires months of planning but always seems to turn out!  We have T-shirts, golf, party, Mass and a picnic with games on Sunday.  This year, we even had two baptisms:  Welcome Teelilly and Saoirse.  Meanwhile in another part of Ohio, the Brandt family reunion was being held.  My children tried their best to attend parts of both of their reunions.  And the Brandt's had a wedding at theirs!  Congratulations to Uncle Tim!

Throwing a party takes alot of planning.  Surely there is food and drink involved but the most important part is to assure that your guests are having fun! Today is the first day of the Quinn Family reunion weekend.  Soon many will be heading to the golf course and others will begin to decorate the hall where tonight's party will be.  It's a horse race theme...The Quinntucky Derby. Many will worry about the turnout, having enough food and drink, but mostly hoping that all will have a good time.  Cheers to the Quinns.