Just 40 Days

For the past couple of days, I have been going up and down the stairs, bringing up the boxes of winter and Christmas decorations. I think I'm finally finished!  Now I just have to clean off the part of the kitchen counter that has been doubling as my desk for the past two years. It's weird decorating, knowing that Haylee will not be there.  I will miss her at my ornament party this Friday.  I will miss here turning around things and I won't notice for days.  I will miss the absolutely hideous clothespin and pink tissue paper angel with her named spelled wrong on it that her 'school family' made for her when she was in first grade at St. Thomas Aquinas school. ...just breathe.

I just wanted to thank my family for putting up Christmas lights for me.  I'm really struggling this year... just going through the motions... hoping for normalcy.  I know that they are missing Haylee just as much as I am.  So thank you Derrick, Justine, Steve and Carly.  I love you!

My natural hair color these days is gray, so I head to Classica Hair Studio every six weeks for a cut and color.  My hair stylist, Michelle, is a classmate and friend of Haylee and has been doing my hair for over 10 years. Haylee bought me a gift certificate for Michelle's services for my birthday one year and I have been going back since.  I trust her completely...letting her decide what to do with my hair.  After all, she is the professional. After my new doo, I met up with classmates for fun, food, and fellowship.  It was so nice to see everyone and even nicer to get out when my hair looks it's best...after Michelle does it!

Today we celebrated the 2nd Annual As Seen On TV Thanksgiving.  Haylee came up with the idea last year and we are going to continue the tradition. There were 10 of us for dinner, including nine month old Skylar, and nine wrapped gifts. Derrick did most of the cooking and added two new items to the traditional meal, spicy scalloped sweet potatoes and a cooked kale dish.  It was delicious. After dinner, and before the pumpkin pie, the nine of us drew numbers to see the order of choice.  I had number 5 and elected to steal the 'Veggetti' Spiral Vegetable Cutter that turns veggies into healthy spaghetti!  Fun was had by all as we exchanged night vision glasses, light bulbs and snackerees.  The kitchen is clean, the house is quiet as everyone went to my sister's for card games and dessert.  I stayed home with Skylar and have decided to curl up with a blanket and watch 'It's A Wonderful Life".   Happy Thanksgiving!

I couldn't remember the last time I baked something so last night I did.  I switched out zucchini with pumpkin and used pecans instead of walnuts to made a pumpkin bread.  I learned that I didn't have two loaf pans anymore so I made one and a dozen cupcakes or were they muffins? What is the difference between cupcakes and muffins anyhow?  I think that I made muffins because they were made from a bread mix and not frosted.  I did use my cupcake pan with liners though as I'm too lazy to grease the inside of the cupcake pan, which doesn't always work out well for me. So this morning, I'm enjoying a pumpkin muffin with my coffee.  I'd better head to the YMCA soon to burn off that bread!  Happy baking!

Teachers and students are doing the turkey happy dance today! And oh, it feels so good! Enjoy and give thanks for all the good in your life!

What is justice? My favorite dictionary, Merriam Webster, defines it as 'the maintenance or administration of what is just especially by the impartial adjustment of conflicting claims or the assignment of merited rewards or punishments'.  Or 'the guality of being just, impartial, or fair.' The key word in that definition is impartial.  This is very important as those close to the matter, sometimes cannot see the whole situation.  Therefore, those people may end up feeling that justice was not served or they were treating unjustly.

I saw Big Hero 6 today!  It was wonderful.  It made me laugh...just let me let some air out AND it made me cry...alot as the character Hiro dealt with his grief.  Thank you Baymax for helping to heal me today!

I'm a member of a 'The Grieving Mother's Club'.  I'm not sure when they meet or if I got the name of it right.  I only wish that I didn't belong, but I do. I've always known of the club, my mom was a member, but I really didn't know what it was like. I remember the day I knew I was going to join, I called another new member, my cousin Janet and told her that I was joining her club.  Somehow, saying those words were much easier than saying I was going to lose a child.  Even though Haylee was 30 years old, she's still my baby and I want to protect her. A couple of days ago, classmates of mine lost their 29 year old daughter.  I know too well what they are going through and I know there is nothing I can do to ease their pain.  Thinking of them stirs up my grief allowing Clarence to visit more often.  So I will pray for peace to all grieving mothers (and fathers) and look to the heavens for our Angels.

Today, life blessed me with the five 'Fs' = Friends, Family, Fellowship, Food and Friday.  It was so nice to be with friends and a special surprise when three of my siblings joined us for Happy Hour.  It was a great ending to the work week!  Cheers!

My health has been at the forefront of my mind for nearly all of my life.  I mean I have had good health for most of my life.  For the first 20 years, I took it for granted.  The next twenty years, my  childbearing and raising years, my health or me came in second as I focused on the health of my children.  I would say I was the least heathiest during those years. But in the last 10 years, I've focused on me and my health.  I struggle with balance, sometimes overdoing things - a little too much food, drink, exercise, shopping, and sleeping.  You see, health incorporates all of these things and balance is key. 

Today was my granddaughter Carly's 8th birthday.  She and her dad baked cookies to take to school for a classroom treat.  We invite a few relatives to her birthday dinner of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.  Dinner was followed up with a game of Disney's Head Banz. (I won!) Saturday is the day for cake and ice cream to celebrate with more family and friends.  Life is Good!

Are Keyboarding Skill Necessary? I think the answer is yes.  I believe keyboading skills should be like breathing; you shouldn't have to think about it.  Then, you can just think instead of hunting for the letters you need to spell the words you are thinking about.  I drill my middle school students in composing at the keyboard.

Brrr it is cold out and the wind is howling.  They say it's going to reach single digits tonight. Brrrr So as I sit curled up in a blanket laughing at the sitcoms of Monday night, my heart is still in disbelief that Haylee is gone.  Sometimes, I just cannot believe it.  It's seems like I just talked to her.  I wonder how she is in heaven. With the holidays coming, I know I will have difficult moments.  I hope for moments that I can remember the good times I shared with Haylee.  I hope that I choose not to dwell on the times that she wasn't with us.  I hope I remember that she will always be in my heart and perhaps she's the one making it howl at all the fun she is having now that she is at peace.  I love you Haylee.  <Mom>

I have decided to move to Phase 2 in my Mercy Weight Mgt. program.  This means I can choose healthy alternatives to their meal replacements.  The  largest reason for me to do this is cost.  Looking over my budget, I had to make a few adjustments to finish out the year. It's all good though, I can still lose weight while in Phase 2.  You see, for the past 3 months, I could only eat the food in the plan.  These are pre packaged, portion controlled, choices.  This makes it very easy to stick to the plan.  It also cost me about $100 per week - but I don't have to buy much at the grocery except fruits and veggies.  But now, I will buy more lean meats and grains at the grocery, moving the greater cost to groceries instead HMR meal replacements.  But, I can share my meals with my family.  And that's what counts.

I've been a little under the weather lately so after finishing my chores and computer consulting, I decided to curl up under a blanket and watch some movies.  First up was Julie & Julia .  I first saw this movie in the theatre and received it as a gift a few years ago.  I hadn't watched it since then.  It was nice to be reminded of a fellow blogger's questions:  Is there anybody out there? or You are reading this aren't you.  I feel as this blog is my job, it's therapy for me and could possible help others - right? I really wanted to start watching Christmas movies but was vetoed by Derrick.  He said that I had to wait until Thanksgiving so I cheated some and watched Sleepless in Seattle with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.  I love that movie...enough said.  Derrick made some popcorn and Carly joined us for the 3rd movie:  The Secret of Nimh .  We owned a VHS of that when my kids were little and I've seen it many times...unfortunat...

Medicine comes in a variety of forms and is taken for many different reasons.  I personally do not like to take it.  But for the past week, I've been trying to deny the symptoms of a cold.   I've been blowing my nose a lot and coughing a little. Medicine can hide symptoms so that I feel better and am able to go about my daily work.  If I take too much, it can make me drousy; too little and my nose runs. Since Sunday night, I've been taking an OTC med for colds before bed.  This seems to have helped until this morning.  I had more gunk in my chest and needed something more to help me through the day. I chose to take a day time cough syrup and an oversized horse pill that promised to rid me of the mucus or gunk.  I still coughed and still had gunk but managed to make it through the work day.  My next dose of medicine will be tea and sleep!

Everyday...pray...trust...wait. Feeling some relief today and hope that all of my family feels the same.  Grief is a mystery.  Pray...Trust...Wait.

  My struggle for a healthy weight seems to have hit a plateau.  I have not had significant weight loss in the past three weeks.  It is difficult to continue on when I do not see results.  So what to do?  Give up and accept my body for what it is: 5'4" and nearly 180 pounds.  Set a goal and stick to it: Be patient - I didn't gain 30-40 pounds in six months so it may take longer than that to get rid of it. Don't forget the stick to it part - no cheating!  Stick to the current plan and rationalize the situation when it doesn't work. These choices are the thoughts that continuously go through my mind.  As you can see, they are not always productive.  I know that I have to go with number two and be patient but the first and third always seem to creep in. I can do this!

Dear Haylee, I miss you.  Last night, I was walking Aiden in the neighborhood.  It was  dusk and I thought of you walking Lola in your neighborhood seven months ago.  It was a beautiful evening to walk with temperatures near 60 degrees just like in April.  Only the days are getting shorter now and they were getting longer then. My walk with Aiden reminded me of how content you probably were on your walk with Lola.  You weren't talking on your phone and probably just enjoying the beautiful spring day with your dog.  I recently heard that the neighbors saw you walking Arlo earlier and that it was your second time around the block.  Way to get your exercise in! It helps me to think that you were at peace when the car struck you and I am relieved that you never woke up to feel the pain that the trauma caused your body.  I believe you went straight to heaven where there is no suffering.  I keep this in the forefront of my mind to help...

Something happened to me between my me time and Monday.  I seemed to have lost my serenity...although as I'm writing this it's coming back. My favorite dictionary, Merriam Websters defines expectation as a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen, or a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be.  I, on the other hand, find expectations to be a cause for happiness or unhappiness. Apparently, I give expectations alot of control over me.  This is not a good thing.  For I cannot control the someone or something in the expectation I have.  I think Shakespeare got it right!

I love to sing in the car, especially on a long drive, but I sing on short ones too.  Sometimes I turn the radio up loud but most of the time I leave it where it is and I sing louder! My mother loved to sing.  She had a great voice.  I'm not sure if I have a great voice.  It doesn't really matter when I'm singing in the car!

Hundreds of ducks on Lake Wawasee.  It is peaceful to watch them flock together.  They sometimes swim in a straight line that stretches across my entire view.  They follow each other to the another feeding area of the lake.  They follow their instincts.  They trust that whoever is leading them will not let them down. Me time allows me to focus on my thoughts and my body.  I have to be in tune to with myself in order to feel my instincts.  I have to know how my body reacts to the things of this world.  I have to remind myself of my beliefs.  I need to know who I am in order to trust my instincts. We have to have faith in others to survive in this world.   We want to believe that they want the best for us.  We hope that they are honest.  We need to work together.  Oh, please don't tell the ducks that the small group of ducks near the marsh are just decoys and the hunters are waiting for them.

This weekend, I get to spend some quiet time at the lake babysitting my granddaughter Skylar.   I am looking forward to alone time.  Or what it really is...me time.  After two long nights at work, I know that I started to be super irritable and grouchy. I'm sure my family, friends, and coworkers are grateful that I'm taking time to relax.  But I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for me.  I don't like it when I snap at others; feel defensive; see the worst instead of the best.  I don't like when the darkness tries to steal my light.  So here I am, kindling the fire inside of me so that I can be who I want to be. I think everyone needs me time. (It's still me time even though I'm sharing it with a nine month old!)

Gloomy days make for sleepy, grouchy, sluggish people...at least that's how I feel.   Is that how it is for everyone?  Or do we allow ourselves to be affected by the weather?

It's a mystery.  Some days everything goes well and other days not so much. Today was a combination of both.  I prefer it that way... the day goes fast and is filled with success.  As you know, you cannot know success unless there is a problem.  So thank you for all of the problems that entered my day today! Dr. Seuss' Wacky Wednesday and finding Hidden Pictures in Highlights magazine are two of my favorite things to do.  I also like word searches but not crossword puzzles and sudokus can frustrate me.  So I stick to the simple things which guarantee my success!

Lately I have been craving crunchy things.  This is not always a good thing.  I could choose a crunchy carrot or a stalk of celery.  But I do not.  This week, Nut-Thins were on sale for $2 a box. They are not a bad choice for a snack - a couple of grams of protein, good flavor and great crunch all for 130 calories with a serving size of 16 crackers.   But they are not 'in the box' of my Healthy Solutions program.  ('In the Box' means eating HMR food plus fruits and vegetables only!) I'm doing okay and enjoying happy hour once a week.  But I'm only losing about one pound per week.  And that's without staying 'in the box' seven days.  Just think, if I stayed 'in the box' more, I would lose more.  Something for me to keep in the forefront of my cravings.

So far so good!  Today has been a great day.  It started off with my weekly weigh in and I was down a pound from last week.  I've been really happy since then.  Tonight was a Remembrance Mass at St. Patrick of Heatherdowns.  God bless Haylee.   Today was a good day.

After spending the last few days sorting through some of Haylee's personal belongings, I feel blessed and exhausted.  I want to share these pieces of her with everyone who misses her and who would enjoy a memento of her life.  Sharing her things is something I know she would want.

All Saint's Day is a when we are reminded how to live.  It is the day before All Soul's Day or the Day of the Dead.  I always believed they were the same;  remembering those that died before me only on all saint's day, we remembered the saints and all soul's we remembered ordinary people.  Apparently I was misinformed. Going to see the movie, 'The Book of Life' really helped me to understand the meaning of All Soul's Day.  It was really close to what I thought.  But back to today, all saint's day, a day where we are reminded to live a good life.  To live the life of a saint. hmmmm