Just 40 Days

I have been seeing alot of butterflies lately. This got me thinking about caterpillars.  My seven year old granddaughter and the other kids in our neighborhood, found, cared for, and buried a 'pet' caterpillar just last week.  It was a common green caterpillar, probably that of a moth...those big ones that are attracted to the light and come in your house as soon as you open the door.  It was interesting to watch the kids as they first built a home out of leaves and scotch tape for their pet.  Then they moved to making a larger home out of cardboard.  They added water to that one.  (I'm thinking this move was the reason for the burial about an hour later.) It was good to see these four  kids working together, bringing the necessary items from their homes to contribute to the care of a common green caterpillar.

It was Irish Heritage night for the Toledo Mudhens game at Fifth Third Field.  My sister Margaret, her family and I began by wearing our green and gathering for dinner at the nearby Irish Pub - The Blarney My Aunt Betty always supported this event.  Once we got to our seats, a man came up to me to ask where all the Hibernians were sitting as he was from a group from Detroit.  Unfortunately I didn't know as I came with a bunch of Polish people!  Cheers to you Aunt Betty!

My dad got married today!  He is so absolutely happy. He is 79 and had been a widower for nearly six years.  She is 76 an had been a widow for 15 years.  How wonderful is that?

Sunshine can do wonders for the soul.  So can dogs and friends and family... I have determined that all of God's work is good for my soul...if I could just see it that way.

Nothing is better at cheering me up than a bouquet of flowers. Especially when they come from my own yard.  Lord knows that I need cheering up as I never know when Clarence will show up.  Good Grief! It's been eleven weeks since I walked into St. Vincent Hospital.  I have good days and bad days.  Actually, I would say I have all good days.  There are just moments in those days that are difficult but somehow I make it through them.  I know in time there will be less of those moments.   Until then, I will thank God for the flowers.  And for friends, family, and fellowship.  I may as well add a fifth 'f' word with food!  Thank you!

So...I'm driving home from work today around 4 p.m. and the person driving the truck ahead of me is looking in the side mirror so I can see her face.  She was a blonde, had sunglasses on, and resembled my Haylee.  (Especially because she looked so good behind the wheel!) Anyways, what an opening for Clarence to show up.  So with tears in my eyes, I drove home.  I tried not to see the white Vibe two lanes over.  I tried not to see the black Focus two cars ahead.  I tried to imagine my Haylee driving somewhere fun...with her sunglasses on. I tried to think of all the work I completed today at my job.  I tried to beat the rain home.  All I really was trying to do, was to not miss Haylee. Life is hard sometimes.

Merriam-Webster defines duty as: something that is done as part of a job or something that you must do because it is morally right or because the law requires it. Sometimes I forget exactly what my duty is.  I think it is hard to keep things straight when I have so many roles.  Some of my roles include daughter, sister, mother, friend, teammate, classmate, and teacher.  My newest role is administrator of Haylee's estate. This new duty may prove to be one of the most difficult.

I was helping my dad with his computer today when the thunderstorm hit. My mom loved storms and so do I.  I remember her saying that the angels were bowling.  So I imagined Haylee running a bowling tournament.  That made me smile.  Then I started thinking of my sister Barb who died tragically at work over 15 years ago and leaned over to my dad and said: the hole in your heart never goes away does it?  He shook his head and with tears in both of our eyes we shared our loss.  Then I realized that my dad had lost his parents in his 30's, all of his siblings, a daughter, a spouse, and now a granddaughter.  Wow!  I gave him a hug and told him I am so happy for him to find joy as he gets married this weekend.  I love my dad.

Every Sunday was poop talk.  At least that's what Haylee thought. She wanted to talk about her bodily functions everyday...I gave her Sunday.  We'd lay on my bed, Haylee, Justine and I, and listen to Haylee's bathroom adventures. She loved to share her poop stories. Don't worry, I'm not going to share any of her stories with you. Nor am I going to share any of mine with you.  I am going to tell you that I'm pooped.  The exhausted kind of pooped.  I spent all day doing yard work...actually backyard work.  I know, it's the middle of June and most of you have had all of your yard work finished weeks ago. I started this working in my yard at least three times before, never quite getting it all done.  Well, I can say that mine is finally finished and it looks good!

Today is the summer solstice - sun standing still - longest day of the year.  What will I do with all this daylight?  I started my day by sleeping in past 8 a.m.!  I hardly ever do that as I'm usually up with the sun.  My neighbors starting working on tearing down their old gargage around 9 so I went for a walk with Aiden. We had an extra long walk as I ran into  a former colleague from CCHS, Lori.  She was kind enough to let me talk - walk therapy is one of the best activities!  It was a looking to be a gorgeous day, 70 degrees and sunny!  So when we got back I did a little yard work and then hung out by the pool. It's after six now and I'm hoping to join friends down by the river to enjoy the rest of it.  It has been a beautiful day!

10 weeks have gone by... I'm still wondering when I will stop counting the days, weeks, or months since Haylee has been gone.  I suppose I will when I want to, but for now I count. Time passes, memories fade, feelings change, people leave, but the heart never forgets.  - author unknown

According to Merriam-Webster, to mourn is to feel or show great sadness because someone has died. Or to feel or show great sadness or unhappiness about something.    Dear Clarence, I grow tired of your visits.  I know that you are only trying to help me, but my children need me.  They too are grieving the loss of Haylee, their sister.  I wish that I could help them and all of the others that are missing her so.  I feel like I am mourning their loss as well as mine. I know that the best thing I can do is to take care of me so that I can be strong for them.  I need to be kind and gentle with myself as I grow through this process.  I wish that I knew how to help my children grow through this process too.  For now, I can only continue to love them as I listen to their pain as they express it.  I pray that I have the wisdom to say what I need to say and also that they hear what they need to hear.  Let me be a help to them, not a ...

I just had to share this story from my niece, Natalie: Something amazing happened to me last week at work and I wanted to share it with all of you. Some of you may know that I work for Fifth Third. The branch that I am located at is in central Toledo, on Monroe and Detroit. My clients that I meet with are mostly under-served and come from low income families. Last week, a customer that I have seen in the branch on a few occasions, but never sat down and had a conversation with stopped in my office to help her with her statement.  As I was going through her information I noticed that she worked at the Hilton Garden Inn. Immediately I thought of Haylee. I asked her, "How long have you worked for the Hilton Garden Inn?" She told me that she has worked there since the hotel opened. I asked her if she knew Haylee. Her eyes started to water, and she looked at me and said, "Yes. I knew her. I miss her everyday. How did you know her?" I told her that she ...

I consider myself very lucky to have had a mom who loved to sing.  Music was in her soul.  I remember, my grandpa, her dad, stopping by our house in the evening, bringing us ice-cream to eat while we listened to him play the piano and her sing.  It was fun...it was love. It was a love of father, daughter, music, and life.  Singing releases something inside us.  Singing in the car on a long trip is one of my favorite things to do.  I turn the music up as loud as I can stand and sing at the top of my lungs.  Music is in my soul.

Look what's blooming...my Shasta Daisies! I've always loved daisies.  My mom loved them too.  According to Kathleen Kelly (You've Got Mail character) daises are the friendliest flower.  They were also my Aunt Betty's favorite.  The daisy is also the flower chosen by my sorority - Omega Kappa. We jokingly promised that we would name our first daughter Daisy :)...I did not (Haylee) but my kids did name alot of stray dogs Daisy or Colonel Daisy if it was a male! To the daisy:  the day's eye!

I was outside most of the day today, soaking up the sun and reading.  Light reading to be sure, my July Oprah Magazine.  There is an article on page 31, written by Martha Beck called Reversal of Bad Fortune.  The entire time I was reading it, I was thinking 'yes, that is so true'! I have been blessed with the ability to find or to see the good in everything that happens to me.  Especially those times when I really do not understand or cannot explain why it happened. (ie. Divorce, my sister Barb's accidental death, a couple of job losses, a couple of fires in my home, and even Haylee's accidental death.) Or as the article states: 'Are there accidents or not?'  I'm not sure...planned accidents for sure.  I'm just not sure whose plan it is.  For me, I've always believed that life is hard, and sometimes it's not...so I must choose which way my life will be today.  I almost always try to choose the NOT hard way.  But if you think about it, eve...

Why is life better at the lake? We all know this to be true. So I am into 50 hours of my mini vacation of 96 hours at the lake and I am feeling pretty good. Perhaps it is because I finally got out of my bathing suit...after 8 hours.  OR the fact that I got alot of sun today. OR because every SINGLE time that Skylar wakes up...she is happy! It could be that we made a batch or two of summer beer, beer punch, skip & go naked, or Molnars lemonade... what ever you want to call it.  Maybe it's because Justine and I made it to the track this morning for a workout.  I don't know...it could just be because I am at the lake!

Haylee was born on Friday, January 13, 1984...she also died on a Friday.  According to the internert (ha!) if you were born on a Friday: you are generally happy-go-lucky but sensitive when it comes to relationships.  You do not take heartbreaks well and if anything or anyone makes you sad, you mourn over it for too long.   That last part made me think of a Haylee story. I believe it was a cross country meet when she was in kindergarten or the first grade.  Haylee said that another girl, Kelly, cut in front of her at the finish line.  She brought up that story at least once a year...if not once a month!   Haylee, I miss your silly stories. I was bored and wondered just how old she was...so I went to an online calculator.  It turns out that she lived 11,047 days or 30 years, 2 months, and 30 days.   11,047 days can be converted to one of these units: 954,460,800 seconds 15,907,680 minutes 265,128 hours 11,047 days 1578 weeks (rounded ...

I took a road trip west today.  It was about two and a half hour of driving.  Although most of the vehicles on the road were semis, I saw a few cars.  Amongst the millions of cars on the roads, it is curious that I only notice those that have meaning to me. One of the first cars I noticed was a red Jeep Cherokee.  Haylee's second car was a red Jeep Cherokee.  I bought it from her as a 2nd car for Justine and Paul to use in high school, when she purchased her white Vibe.  I have noticed alot of Vibes since Haylee has passed...nearly 63 days ago.  I notice Ford Focus' too...the type of car that hit her.   I wonder how long they will 'stick' out amongst all of the others. I still notice burnt orange Jeeps or any make/model that color...similar to what I drive.  I also see late model white Buicks - Regal or Century...similar to my old car.  Cars...something else to think about.

My stomach hurts today.  I'm anxious.  I'm nervous.  I'm stressed.  There is no real explanation for it...just coping with the loss of Haylee and everyday life.  Although, there is a really good chance I'm in the depression state of grief...which would add to my 'normal' stress level. I know there are lots of things I can do to ease stress.  Exercising, eating well,  and getting enough sleep are great ways to keep stress at bay.  Writing this blog helps alot!  Sometimes, watching a comedy works and other times I just need a good cry and a hug.  All that I know for sure is that I want my joy back. Fortunately for me, Aiden & I are heading away to the lake this weekend. Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

1st visit at THS This photo was taken in December of 2011, shortly after my 51st birthday and a day before I rescued this puppy, the warden found, from the THS.  His given name was snowball, he weighed about 20 pounds, and his tag said his birthday was January 13, 2010 (same as my Haylee.)  I chose him because I love snow,  he was nearly a year old so I thought he wouldn't be much larger than 30 pounds, and of course, because he shared Haylee's birthday. After I brought him home, I changed his name to Aiden, and after a visit to the vet, I learned he was closer to six months old than to twelve month's old.  This led me to change his birthday to March 17th - St. Patrick's Day.  Aiden has grown to around 50 pounds.  He runs with me and is my loyal protector. I'm really not sure who rescued whom. Lola and Aiden 1 year old (3/17/12)

I am third of eight children.  I gave birth to four children.  I cannot imagine a world without the love of a brother or sister.  The love of a sibling.   Silly or serious, sibling relationships are complicated.  There is nothing like them.  Sibling relationships endure all things.  They are taken for granted and depended upon.  A sibling is one of the greatest gifts from God.  

Come Holy Spirit Today, 50 days past Easter, is called Pentecost Sunday.  I remember it as the day everyone wears red and we sing Come Holy Ghost in church.  It honors the day the apostles were given the gift of communication; speaking in tongues of all languages. The Holy Spirit is very real to me.  It's inside of me.  It is my gut instinct, my conscience, the keeper of my soul.

Today was the day of Aunt Betty's Funeral.   Although not a traditional Irish wake, with the laying out of the body in their home and a parade to the cemetery, it was a glorious send-off for Betty Jane Gaffney Mears. There was no body as Betty generously donated her 88 year old body to science so that others may learn from it.  The funeral Mass of Resurrection was followed by a lively luncheon including stories, song, a bag piper, food and fellowship.  It was a celebration of life! "Grieve not...or speak of me with tears...but laugh and talk of me...as though I were beside you.  I loved you so...'twas Heaven here with you."

When I was growing up, nearly everyday, when I came home from school, my snack was peanut butter toast and a glass of milk.  It is still one of my most favorite, comfort foods.  I had it for supper tonight!  I couldn't remember the last time I had it.  A couple of weeks for sure.  I must say that was as good as ever;-)  Today was a good day.  It started off with a walk in my favorite park with one of my oldest friends.  Then I spent a few hours in the sun.   Followed up with a trip to the salon for a cut and some color.  I even decided to get a pedicure.   Yes today was a good day.    Finding some solace.

During the summer, I try to make every weekend a long one.  That means I try very hard not to have to work on Fridays.  I am so hoping that tomorrow is the first Friday that I am able to do that.  Guess what? I just met the June 6th deadline for submitting out yearbook.  One day early! Yippee! I find it fascinating how good it feels to finish a task.  My load has been lightened a bit.  I've dropped a brick out of the wheel barrel I'm pushing up the hill of life.  I cannot wait for the day when my wheel barrel is empty of bricks and full of daisies.

Eight weeks ago, on a warm spring evening, Haylee was walking her dog Lola.  Her life and mine (and many others) were changed forever. Merriam-Webster defines change as this:   to become different: to make (someone or something) different: to become something else.   That sounds like growing to me.  Change is the nature of life.  It is how we become who we are.   Growth is exhausting.  It is why newborns sleep so much.   I am tired.  I presume, all of the other people who knew and loved Haylee, are also exhausted.  We are trying to understand the way of the world.   Seeking Solace.

One of the greatest gifts we are given in this life is other people.  Other people are there to help us gain perspective on our life journey .  They are there for us to help them and we are there for them to help us.  We are not meant to be alone.  This is a 'truth' that I have know for my entire life. I have sometimes been criticized by others for having too many friends or for using others for my own gain or for sharing too much with people.  It would drive my kids nuts when I talked to others in the grocery line.  I have always believed that all of the people in the world are here to help and heal others. The greatest group of people are those we call friends and family.  They are the ones who know us.  They are the ones who love us no matter what.  Friends and family are people who we would do anything for.  They are the people who we give our trust to.  They are who we love. Friends and family help make us who we are...

Everyone knows how good it feels good to check things off of a to do list. Today I checked off a few. It feels like a great weight has been lifted.  Isn't it curious how things can weigh you down?  They could be personal things like family or friends. Or it could be things at work.  Most of the time it's both...at least for me anyway. Today I can check off a couple of family matters (Aunt Betty video and Haylee's estate concerns) and I hope to check off something from work (meeting the yearbook deadline) within two days. Keeping busy!

It sure was a gorgeous day today.  It started off with a nice breakfast with my granddaughter Carly.  Next my dog Aiden and I headed to the park for a walk/jog.  (I'll call that church.)  When we got home, Carly and I washed the car.  She went swimming with the neighbors and I worked on Aunt Betty's video. I managed to get outside and get some sun too.  It was a busy, yet relaxing Sunday. It's good to stay busy.