Just 40 Days

It's family movie night at our house.  We just finished watching Earth to ECHO , a movie none of us had seen before. I liked it.  It was Sandlot ish... about a group of childhood friends, solving a problem and becoming better friends because of it.  It also reminded me of the Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind, Flight of the Navigator , or  ET as the plot envolved children and space creatures or aliens. Next up is Big Hero 6 which we saw in the movie theatre and I wrote about in November.  I hope I can stay awake til the end. After that, they may watch The Book of Life but I'm sure I'll be asleep by then.  I love movie nightA

Even though today ended with a pedicure and a new hair doo (I have bangs!) from Michelle at Classica Studio, it's been a long week.  When I finish writing this,  I plan on putting on my pjs and curling up with the novel I started...a story about going to the beach!...and falling asleep before 9:30. The weekend is already full.  I have got to make it to the ymca for some cardio.  I haven't been their since Tuesday.  After that I'll be heading to a bridal shop as my friend plans for her wedding in the fall.  Sunday afternoon is open house at work and I think I will also be tutoring. I hope I find time for some housework.  I know my laundry is piling up!

I'm not sure if it's denial or disbelief, but for sure it is a trick of my mind when I seem to forget that Haylee is no longer on this earth.  It doesn't happen that often, although it seems to happen when I'm tired.  Today I worked a 12 hour day.  And here I am now, wanting to talk to Haylee, seeing her picture on the wall, wondering what she is up to.  It only takes a few moments for me to remember or to realize the truth of the matter...that she died.  And then I'm sad.  As the tears come to my eyes, I tell Clarence, my grief:  Hello,  I haven't heard from you in a while.  Now get the heck out of here because if you don't leave, I'll start feeling sorry for myself and my family.  I'll start questioning why God would think that we needed this tragedy to help us to become better people.  And soon, my thoughts are more negative than positive. All of this happens in a matter of minutes before I'm aware of it.  So I take ...

A personal goal for me is to gain understanding; to be sympathetically aware of other people's feelings; tolerant and forgiving.  I struggle with this.  The hard part for me is the annoyance I sometimes feel as I tolerate another person's level of ... well anything ... work ethic, effort,  or understanding of the task we're working on. As an educator, I know that all of us think differently and that there are many ways for our minds to come to understand things.  I have a greater tolerance for young learners.  My patience is abundant.  But with older learners, I sometimes expect them to remember what was stated in a faster amount of time.  I expect them to recall information from earlier discussions.  It is those expectations that get me frustrated. I have to constantly remind myself that ALL learners, young and old, process information in different ways and at different speeds.  They all deserve my gift of patience when we are working...

I took advantage of a situation today when I noticed that my dad and I would be visiting the same funeral home.  I was going in support of a co-worker and high school classmate who lost their father and my dad was going because their father was the older brother of a dear friend of his. I wanted to go with my dad instead of with my co-workers so I could spend time with him.  It was nice to hear him share his stories, watch him console his friend, and to just be with him.  My dad will be 80 years old this year.  He is my hero.   I love you dad.

I was hoping for a repeat of the great sleep I had Saturday but instead, I found myself checking the clock nearly every 70 minutes or so.  I had so many strange dreams.  They were filled with real people from my life that I have not seen in ages.  There were people from grade school and the neighborhood I grew up in.  There were people from college and even more people that I work with.  The weird part is they were all part of the same dream. Now I know that dreaming means that I got some good sleep but I feel like I fought a war.  I wish I knew if it was something I ate.  I know I had dinner around six and went to bed a little after nine.  I did start a new novel, reading 50 pages before turning off the lights.  Perhaps I'm worried about something, but I can't put my finger on anything specific.  (I did start my taxes today - turns out the feds will be receiving a check from me equal to one week of work).  All that I know is ...

I don't know about you, but I am pretty grouchy and my vocabulary is hindered if I do not sleep well.  It's bad enough that my dog Aiden snores louder than me and that my bedroom is located in the front of my house so I hear traffic and voices of those walking by.  But when I wake up several times due to night sweats or crazy dreams, I drag the next day. There really isn't anything better than a good night's sleep.  Last night I had one of the best ones in a long time.  I had removed the flannel sheets from my bed which kept me from being too hot.  Either I had been having hot flashes or the flannel was just too much.  Whatever the cause, I'm grateful for a full night of rest. 

I can't remember the last time I took the time to do nothing all day.  It's not an easy thing to do.  It helps me if I stay in my pajamas although I did put on a sweatshirt, my coat and boots to go outside and shovel...the sun was shining and I couldn't resist the opportunity for vitamin D.  Now that I think about it, I did a load of laundry too.  I washed two sets of my sheets, which means that a set was still unwashed from the last time I changed them.  Which also means that I changed the sheets on my bed. Now that I think about it, I also baked brownies.  I hardly ever bake.  It's hard to for me do nothing.  I think I'll turn in for the night.  I'm tired from doing nothing all day.

I consider myself very lucky.  Why?  Because I have great trust in my gut.  I have always been intuitive and fortunate to be able to turn some of that intuition into a career in technology.  Or should I say, a career in problem solving.  Everyday, someone comes to me with a tech issue and I suggest the first thing that pops into my head, and most of the time, the problem is resolved.  Thank you God for my gift or talent in technology. On a personal note, when a problem arises, I listen to my gut and go with the first thing that pops into my mind.  If I ignore the message, it seems that my blood pressure rises.  I pace and resist the thought of doing something I do not want to do.  I feel miserable.  But then, as soon as I succumb to it, I am calm.  The calmness in my body reminds me that I am doing the right thing. I am lucky to be aware of this living connection I have with my world.  I believe that all people have this...

Fall 2013 I had trouble falling asleep last night.  I kept waiting for the phone to ring.  Whether it was 9:00 pm or midnight, Haylee always seemed to manage to call me right after I fell asleep.  Sometimes she just wanted to talk, share her day with me.  Other times she'd be upset or in pain with a kidney stone or something.  Sometimes I would miss her call because she would call my cell phone, which I leave in the kitchen overnight as I still have a land line that my kids know to use first. 45 weeks ago, I received a phone call telling me to go to St. Vincent's hospital. This is one of the last pictures that I have of Haylee.  I think it was taken on the day my granddaughter Carly was baptised.  I remember when she arrived at church and said that she couldn't remember the last time she had been to Mass.  I'm so glad she came.  I miss you Haylee.

Yesterday I took the time to remove the facebook app from my phone, my ipod touch, and my xoom tablet.  I also prevented the tab on my browsers from opening up to my page.  I am fasting facebook for forty days. Believe me, this is a sacrifice.  Reading facebook status' is the newspaper to my morning coffee.  I learn new things and catch up on all of the things my friends are doing.  I do not usually post things from my mobile devices aside from 'checking in', a task that I did a lot less this year than last after I my first facebook fast in 2014. Most of my facebook posts are generated from my twitter feed.  I have been texting a thought for the day to twitter since I first my first tweet over five years ago.  I also randomly post this blog to twitter.  I connected twitter to facebook way back then, as I hardly ever had the time to actually go to the site but, as a career technology person, I had to embrace these new 'social' networks to gai...

Today is Mardi Gras or Fat Tuesday.  A day of overindulgence for many.  The last hurrah before lent.  I spent the day preparing the technology for another bought of standardize testing. We test our students too much.  Fortunately for them, our 8th graders have a fund raiser called Mardi Gras and fill our gym with fun carnival activities.  The student's last hurrah! I also made the decision to have another facebook fast.  I must admit, I was a bit apprehensive.  Last year was the first year that I did this and Haylee died a week before Easter.  I it's strange how two unrelated things will forever now be related.

I have not been saying thanks as much as I used to.  It bothers me that I get out a card to begin and get interrupted somehow...squirrel!  I know how much better I feel when I acknowledge all of the good in my life.  And Lord knows, I do have alot of good. It is my hope, that since I am aware of the problem, I can fix it!  Thanks for reading!

The temperature outside is in single digits. Why is it, when the temperature drops, I just want to curl up with a blanket and some kind of snack?  I started off the day with a breakfast of bacon, eggs, fried potatoes and toast.  Throughout the day, my snacks and meals included chocolate milk and toast, soup and sandwich, and pasta. I had every intention of hitting the gym, but didn't want to go outside. I just wanted to do...well...nothing!

It's Valentine's Day!  Be kind to yourself and to others. 

It only happens two or three times each year and today is the first of this year.  My daughter Haylee was born on a Friday, the 13th of January. It is no wonder that I think of her everytime that happens.  I think of the day that she was born.  We lived in Pensacola, as her dad was in the Navy.  She was born by c-section and the Navy doctor who delivered her, only worked on Fridays. I remember trying not to be superstitious.  In those days, I checked into the hospital the night before to be ready for an early morning surgery.  My room number was 413.  I tried not to pay attention that my blood pressure was 113 over 63.  I remember telling the nurse that if they took me into OR (operating room) 13, I was not having this baby.  The nurse assured me that that wouldn't happen as they only had 8 ORs. I remember how beautiful Haylee was the day she was born.  Her head perfectly shaped and her skin pink and rosy.  When I held her, I ...

I'm not sure that I hold grudges.  I do know that some people irritate me.  They are the people that made my life, or the life of someone I love more difficult.  I know that I try to avoid running in to these people at all costs.  But sometimes, I can't. It is those times that I realize that people make mistakes.  It is usually because they are sick either physically, or mentally, or in their soul.  What they do or what they did is not because of me, it is because of their sickness.   Trying to avoid them may prevent me from experiencing something great.  I have to remind myself that they may have grown since I last saw them.  As I have grown, having gone through the difficult situation that they created. I know that it is hard work to grow into the person the God wants me to be.  Thank you to all of the people who God used to help me to grow.  I will try not to go out of my way to avoid you.  As that would be me, c...

A better question would be, who am I becoming?  I have been doing a little people watching lately and it seems that hardly anyone lifts there head up from their devices to see what is around them.  It's kind of scary.  I think of the movie Wall-e.  I saw it in the theatre and everyone thought is was great and I was scared to death. We are all becoming blobs, or sheep or weebles (wobble but they don't fall down).  Are we lemmings?  Do we need our devices to tell us where to go? Do we need a news anchor to interpret the content of a speech?  Do we need books and movies to tell us how to love? It's scary, this world we live in.  How do we stay true to ourselves and grow into the person we were meant to be with all of these outside forces telling us to do otherwise?

It's Tuesday and I just spent three hours in a car.  Last Friday and Sunday I spent two and a half hours. And on Thursday afternoon, I will travel home after another three hours in the car.  What I know is that I like to drive.  It has always been a calming experience to me. When my four children were small, it allowed me to strap them in and go, giving me a break of keeping them safe from the perils of being a toddler.  When I am the passenger in a car, I get a different perspective.  Teaching my four children how to drive, helped me to be a better passenger. They will tell you, that was not the case at the time they we learning.  I remember how I leaned away from the parked cars on the street or put my foot on the 'imaginary' brake on my side.  Fortunately, I don't do those things 'out loud' anymore.  But I think them!

Sometimes I only think about what I'm going to write in this blog...posting a title to remind me only to revisit it at a later time to complete the process.  Today is one of those times.  This is the sixth blog that I completed today. What this tells me about me is that I'm not taking care of myself again.  I'm not writing my thoughts.  I'm not brushing my teeth more than once a day. I'm not eating as well as I can.  Even now, I'm beating myself up.  This is NOT how to take care of me. Even now, as I write, I feel better about me.  I'm calmer and have clarity as to what I want to do.

How we celebrate birthdays says alot about ourselves.  I'm so glad that my daughter chose to keep the birthday of her daughter relatively normal.  By normal I mean there was no clown, or bouncy house.  She didn't have it catered and invite 50 of her family and friends. Birthday's are a time to celebrate with ice-cream and cake, family and friends, and enjoy watching a twelve month old feed cake to themselves.  They are not about out doing the last party you went to.  After all, who are you trying to impress?  Birthday parties tell you alot about people.

The lake is frozen.  But the air is warm.  I so wanted to walk on the lake.  I heard the ice is 14 inches thick so I know it's safe.  It's just that there is two inches of slush on it.  I don't want to walk through slush.

Today  I was fortunate to visit my friend Linda.  I first  met Linda , 35 years ago at Tri-State University.  It was her first  year and my second, in 1979. We have been forever friends since.  Joining the same sorority: Omega Kappa.  It is so fun to reminisce.

I do love the snow.  I woke up and shoveled the driveway before work.  It didn't take long it was only an inch.  And I just finished snow blowing the two inches we got after work.  I still don't know if I like snow blowing.  It's loud.  Shovels are quiet. I need quiet.  Snow is quiet. I don't think there is enough quiet time in our American culture.  I have to plan for mine.  I used to get a full body massage once a month.  I think I started getting them nearly ten years ago!  I can't remember the last time I had one.  I'm sure it's been more than six months. I like to soak in the tub, with bubbles, a book, and usually a glass of wine.  I can't remember the last time I did that either. I like snow.  It's peaceful and quiet.

1988, when I realized I was the 'Bride of Frankenstein'. Today I went to a bridal shop with my friend Wendy so she could try on some different styles of wedding dresses.  Brides are always beautiful!  As I was waiting, I began thinking of my wedding.  It was February 6, 1982.  I think there was a foot of snow on the ground.  I remember how nervous I was and how everyone told me how beautiful I looked.  I was 21 years old. I began thinking of my parents marriage of 53 years. They married when they were 21 years old too. They had eight children.  We had four.  We divorced after eight years.  I used my wedding dress for halloween and recently cut it up to make a Christening gown. 

Lake Wawasee Sometimes it takes a snow storm to help us to remember that we are not in control.  Piles of snow, whether new fallen or drifting, slow us down!  Every morning, the sun comes up to greet us.  It takes several minutes for it to get into place yet most of the time we miss it. Sunshine and snow are two of my most favorite things.  They help remind me of my place in the world.  A place to love and care for myself, my family, and my friends.  A place to help others learn to love and care.  A place to enjoy what God has given us.  Take time to enjoy today!

I have to remind myself of this daily. I sat around today, superbowl Sunday, during a snowstorm, feeding myself comfort foods like brownies.  Sure I went outside twice for snow removal duty, but most of the day was spent either cooking, eating, and watching TV.  It's February - the month of the heart.  Find love and do cardio!  And most importantly: Eat Well!