Just 40 Days

About 15 years ago, my hobby of taking photos turned into a hobby of making remembrance videos.  It started with sports videos, moving on to graduations, then birthdays, and then funerals.  At one point I created over 25 different movies over the course of a year.  Nowadays, I make one - three videos a year. I really enjoy making them.  I learn alot about the people/families I make the videos for.  I learn alot about life.  I've been working on one for Aunt Betty.  What a life she led!  She was a cheerful and generous soul.

Dear Haylee...it's been 49 days since you've gone.  I miss your phone calls.  I logged on to write this blog, that has become more therapeutic for me, than useful to readers like you with a purpose when I realized a simple truth of life: ...I'm so glad that God gave us many distractions in our lives so that we don't realize how bad they are. I was thinking about my day and how it started out (with someone wishing me a crappy day at work) versus how it finished.  I was pretty happy about that part (Life is Good!). Then I remembered my friend, battling cancer.  I thought to myself:  My life is easy compared to that.  After beginning my day with someone wishing me a 'crappy day at work' (not a fan, but those were the words spoken),  and ending the day with friends... who love me and reinforced  my being.  Thanks to my neighbors The Browns.   But really, it is so hard to stay true to yourself in a world full of anger, fear, and hate...

Today I did one more thing than what was on my list of things to do.  I got a massage.  My masseuse said I hadn't been there since February!  Way too long.  I had been getting a monthly massage for the past 10 years!  I'm sure I'll be back in four weeks...probably three! So what was on that list of mine?  Chores concerning Haylee, a little retail therapy, a long walk with my dog Aiden, (bonus that Derrick and Carly came along), and repotted several plants that needed some TLC.  Besides getting a massage, today was the last day of teaching classes!  School is out tomorrow!  I also bought four items, a skirt, a bathing suit top, and two workout shirts and that cost me less than eight dollars!  It really was a good day!

I received a really unique gift today.  A lovely beaded bracelet made especially for me.  The maker, Shannon, is the daughter of one of my co-workers.  As she made the bracelet, she prays for whom she is making for.  She prayed for all of my family and our loss of Haylee.  It really is a beautiful thing.  Because of Haylee's love for animals, my friend chose to put a St. Francis of Assisi medal on it.  I checked out their website and liked their facebook page.  I hope you will too.  What a great mission!

Today was a good day!  I paid a dollar to wear jeans at work.  Fortunately my room is air conditioned as it was a hot & humid one.  I did a good job feeding myself.  That sounds silly doesn't it? Carly and I hung out a little at home, watched a short movie, had dinner, played with Aiden and the kids next door.  I had a very sweaty workout at the YMCA, followed by a quick trip to the grocery store. Plus, I got to the dishes.

This is the 84th blog of 40 days without facebook.  That means I've gone through two sets of 40 days.  This third set of 40 days is devoted to caring.  Whether I'm taking care of one of my children, or grand daughters, or my home, or my work...I am making this promise to me:  I will take care of myself. That means, no more skipping my monthly massage.  It means eating more vegetables and no more eating what ever I want.  It means making time for a good workout, and taking my dog for daily walks.  It means going to Sunday Mass more regularly. (No more TV Mass). I need to be at my best self in order to do all the caring work that I need to do.

Today was a gorgeous day at the lake.  It was relaxing.  It was not too hot and not too cold.  It was a perfect day. As I sat on the deck over looking the lake, I noticed a baby bird in the branches of the tall grass.  I really didn't think much about it as I went through my day. So as Justine and I sat on the deck and soaked up some sun, we got too hot and decided to sit on the dock on the water.  Guess what?  Mommy & Daddy Black Bird with Red Wings started to dive bomb us!  It was fascinating.  The parents of that baby bird were so aware of its location, and so protective of it, that they dive bomb us! What a testimony to how parents feel about their children...all of us.

Today was a busy day, filled with my granddaughter, shopping, gardening, and mostly watching all the boats on the lake.  I can only imagine how busy the weekends will be here at the lake, now that the lake/boating season has officially began.  Tomorrow is a day to relax.  :)

I am thirsty. Water symbolizes new life, cleansing, and the fulfillment of God's promises. That means heaven to me. I've been thinking about heaven alot.  I really really hope it's for real.  I read  Heaven is for Real  last year.  It reinforced my belief of heaven.  With the tragic death of my daughter Haylee, I NEED to believe. So what does that mean...believing in heaven?  I think that it means believing in earth, in man, in land, and in water.  The earth is covered in water.  So water MUST be good! It turns out, the earth is over 70% water!  That means that nearly three quarters of where we live is water.  Ummm....people...did you hear that?  We are small.  Water is BIG!  And so, I am at the lake ... again...at Wawasee.  I find peace here, at the edge of the water. Twenty five years ago, I lived on the ocean in Virginia Beach.  I found peace, even within my individual turmoil, I found peace. ...

It's what every human being needs, wants, deserves, desires, and hopes for.  I am lucky, I have always felt that I was loved.  Not everyone is like me. I remember Haylee saying to me: "I just want someone to love me for me.  I want to be myself. I'm tired of pretending."   I always felt sad that my daughter felt that way.  I could do nothing for her except to tell her I love her.  Which I know that alot of people told her too.  I know that is why Haylee loved Lola.

It has been six weeks since the longest day in my life and 40 days since we left your body at the hospital.  Forty days is a traditional period of mourning.  (I wish that meant it was over!) Dear Haylee,  I miss you.  You were making so many changes in your life.  It was a struggle for you, but you wanted to do it...without any help.  And you wanted to do it out of sheer will.  What gives me peace is that I know that God was with you all the way, and He said enough!  Enough of your struggles, no more anxiety, loneliness, kidney stones, and all of the rest.  He said you are strong, beautiful, and ready to go to heaven.  That's what I think about when I miss you.  That you are happier and that someday, those you left behind will all be happier too. Today was a tough day for me...for alot of reasons.  The least of which was going to the dentist for two fillings.  So...if a visit to the dentist is the least worry of my d...

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm on that awful diet: the see food diet.  I cannot keep this up as it isn't good for me or my body.  (I'm having an out of body experience...) What can I do about this? For one thing, I can change what I see.  That isn't as easy as it sounds as I live with three other people.  I see what they buy at the grocery store.  So how can I stop the madness of eating what they buy?  (Which isn't really good for them either.) The easiest answer would be to rid my pantry and refrigerator of all things that are not good for me. (Bread, granola bars, tortilla chips, crackers) Then go to the store and purchase the things that are.  (Veggies, veggies, & fruit - a two to one ratio would be perfect!) Another great strategy would be to not eat a thing after 7 p.m.  I'm at my worst between 8 & 9 p.m. while watching TV.  This strategy could work as almost all of the shows I watch have ended their season. ...

I finally got tired of the dishes that needed to be returned to the wonderful people who made or baked, delicious salads, meals and desserts for all the family and friends that gathered at my house as we processed and prepared for Haylee's funeral.  It was a good thing as it got me out of the house which I seemed to be attached to. Carly and I delivered Team Haylee T-shirts too.  We stopped by seven houses - five of which had people home.  We visited with four of them.  I needed that!

It's been 37 days since we left your body at St. Vincent's hospital.  Thirty-seven of the most difficult days I've had in a long time.  And believe it or not, I've had difficult days before.

Today we all arose at 6:30 to ready ourselves for the Dart Frog Dash - Team Haylee version.  The weather was cool but dry.  It was a good day to see family and friends, walk, jog, run, or just to be pushed in a stroller through the neighborhood on Broadway and River Road and the Toledo Zoo.  Thank you to everyone who made this annual event successful! A good day is when you get to the dishes.  A better day is when you get to the laundry too!  Even better than that is when I get a workout in.  Well today was one of the best days in a long while as I got to all three and still found time to have a nice lunch with my family, feed my granddaughter and watch a good movie.

It was 'Fit for Life' week at our school.  Morning announcements were full of health tips for eating, exercise, and spiritual guidance.  Today was a run; students in grades 4-8 ran a mile or two.  The run was followed by our end of the year school picnic: hotdogs and chips!  Is that healthy? That seems to be how things work.  At least that's how they work for me.  I work out so that I feel better...not really.  I work out so that I can eat and drink what I want.  So what happens when I don't work out?  I continue to eat and drink what I want.  Which doesn't make me very fit. I know what to do...I just have to do it!

May or December...it is downright chilly today...it's in the 40's right now and it's supposed to drop to into the 30's! Brrr!  I'm sitting on the couch in my summer pj's with a blanket wrapped around me.  Wasn't I just sleeping without any covers just this past weekend? I'm wondering why I'm writing about the weather.  It appears it is changing just as much as I am. Change is tiring.  I am exhausted...all of the time.  I need to make my body as tired as my mind.

Every morning, I wake up, let my dog, Aiden out and make a pot of coffee.  I turn on the stove to heat the pan that I will be cooking my two eggs in.  I get one scoop of dog food out for Aiden and walk to the door to let him in.  He follows me to his bowl for breakfast and then I continue to make mine.  It's our morning ritual. I used to read the copy of USAToday that was delivered to my doorstep...but, that was 15 years ago.  Now I have three electronic devices with me at breakfast: my cell phone...to text a quote to twitter, my ipod touch to play Words with Friends and Dice with Buddies, and my xoom (a google tablet) where I check facebook and my email. This morning, I had two emails.  One was written last night, informing me  that my friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  She wrote this message in a very positive way.  My friend is a trooper...a really strong woman.  But she is a just few years older than me and the mess...

That's what grief feels like...stormy weather.  It builds and builds, let's go, and changes things.  Losing a child is changing me.  I'm not sure how, I only know that it is.  It's kind of scary.  I thought I knew who I was.  I love storms...I think that means I like change.  I guess I'm learning more about me.

I am having trouble staying focused these days.  When I'm at work, I jump from task to task...never quite finishing the big ones. (Don't tell my boss.)  When I work out at the YMCA, I move from one cardio machine to another...never really staying on one for more than 10 minutes.  Or I end up running 1 lap instead of 3 when I'm outside. (Don't tell my trainer.)  I've got a real problem. I know what I need to do with my workout.  I need to go to my favorite park, Pearson, and get on the 3 mile trail.  This will give me less options to have a lesser workout.  As far as work goes, I am getting alot of little things finished...so perhaps I need to break down the big tasks into little ones.  My lunch time is nearly over and I've written this while an online calculator, computes how much time I've wasted on, since joining facebook.  I thought that would be relevant to this as I started this blog month's ago when I found time while fasting facebook...

My mom & sister, Barb Moms are important people.  They have unique powers.  The choices they make influence their children for years to come.  I am fortunate to come from a long line of God fearing, strong Irish Catholic women, who became mothers.  My great-grandma Rose Quinn travelled alone, on a boat from Ireland to join her soon to be husband Steven.  Five of her children were girls.  Like her mother, their daughter Kathryn had six children, four girls. My mom, Norma Jean was the youngest. She out did her mom and grandma by giving birth to eight children, five of which were girls.  My sister Barb had three children; I had four; Rosi had two, and Margaret had three. Between the four of us, we gave birth to six girls.  And the trend continues. Happy Mother's Day.

Four weeks ago, just 28 days...it still doesn't seem real.  I wonder how long it will be until I stop counting the days since my baby girl Haylee left us.  I am so sad.  I am in disbelief.  I keep thinking that she'll call me. Big breath. It is said that you can change your life in 28 days.  Mine has been at a standstill for the last four weeks.  Even though I know it's 'normal'.  I don't like feeling this way.  I have to find a way to turn my grief around into something positive for me.  I have to start caring for myself.  I have to start believing that I will have joy again. ...being aware of the problem is the first step.

One of my greatest gifts from God, or talents, is my ability to fix things.  I've really had no 'special' fix-it training.  I just trust my instincts.  One of my earliest memories of this ability came from the late 70's or early 80's when everyone had blinking clocks on their VCRs.   I could walk up to any brand of VCR and set the clock.  Now I make a living by using this gift to fix all things tech! It's very rewarding, fixing things.  Especially other people's things.  Granted, I have always been a thinker.  I excelled in Math in school.  I studied computer science in college.  But the gift really came 'free inside' me.  It's in my gut.  What is your talent?

I've known for a long time that if I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to do the work I need to do.  Well today I am feeling the load of the tasks I have.  And let me tell, it's taking it's toll on me.  So before I head to bed, I'm going to think about all of the things that  I did accomplish today instead of all the things that I didn't. I woke up; I went to work; I did a little shopping; I went to a meeting; I took care of my dog; I did the dishes; and I got Carly to bed before 8:30.  I'll be there myself within the hour. Goodnight.

It is teacher appreciation week and one of my students just brought me down this gift: my name as a pen.  He made it on a 3D printer and attached a note reading "It's our o'PEN'ion that you're GREAT! Thank you for all you do!  How cool is that? I really needed a pick me up today.  I've been bombarded with 'serious' emails and really needed some JOY!  This small token did the trick for now.  It is simply amazing how exhausting my life is of late.  I never thought I would be on such a ride.  I miss Haylee deeply.  I know it will take time...

Yep that's right, I had cake for breakfast.  I cannot remember the last time I did that.  Heck, I can't remember much of anything these days.  But back to the cake...it was delicious!

Today was a special day.  It was my granddaughter Carly's 1st Communion Day.  She has been getting more and more excited as the day grew closer.  She woke up early and said 'When can I get dressed?'  It was only 8:00 a.m. and Mass was at 2:00 p.m.!  So I told her, you can get in the bath at 11:00.  Soon she was ready and only had to wait 90 more minutes before we left for church. She looked beautiful in her white dress.  She wore my mothers wedding cap and my veil. Afterwards our family gathered for food and cake.  We played a game of dominos.  It had been a long time since I had played dominos.  I wish I would've won!  But Carly and her dad did.  Today was a good day.

Sometimes it's hard to say the things you need to help get your point across or just to get something off your chest.  I think there are many reasons for this.  One is that some people lack the self-confidence needed.  They believe they are not worthy of having an opinion, feelings, or contributing to a conversation in a meaningful way. Another leading cause is the fear of hurting someone else.  Or what if 'they' don't like me anymore...rejection... which is really just a variation of a lack of self-confidence.  If only everyone would remember the golden rule:  Treat others the way you want to be treated.  Or the commandment: Love thy neighbor as thyself.  The world would be a better place and nothing would be left unsaid.

Everyday, each and everyone of us make decisions.  Statistics say we make over 500 of them each day.  Some we make involuntarily, like breathing and some are made voluntarily, like choosing to eat chocolate.  Some decisions are really easy to make like choosing chocolate ice-cream and others are not so easy like choosing what to say to someone who has hurt you or that you are disappointed in or angry with. I find that many of my hard decisions of late are whether to say something or to keep my mouth shut.  My family, friends, and I are going through a tragic situation.  It may be months before some of us get through it.  In the meantime, I like to remember things like:  What good will come of this?  or What would Jesus do?  or What would I do if I were you?  or Who will be affected by my decision? When I do just a little bit of thinking before I make a decision, I can feel more confident that I did the right thing.  I make mis...

Okay grief, aka Clarence, I've had enough of you for now.  Please come back another time and try not to stay as long.  I have lots of work to do and I can't do it with you distracting me.  If you remember, I'm ADD and had a hard enough time staying focused before I met you.    Love,  Me Wouldn't it be nice if we could schedule our emotions?  Wouldn't it be nice if we could turn back time?  Wouldn't it be nice if all of our wishes came true?  Wouldn't it be nice if Haylee were here? Missing you...