Just 40 Days

I remember how I felt after seeing Haylee in the hospital on the morning of April 10th.  I felt squished, heavy, foggy, perhaps dazed. It was definitely something I had never felt before.  Perhaps it is just the feeling you feel when you lose a child.  I don't know. I do know that I also remember the feeling going away later in the day,  perhaps it was denial.  At the funeral home,  the squished feeling returned, making it real again.  It's exhausting this grieving thing.  It's like being put through a ringer.

My normal meal routine is to eat a good breakfast.  This morning it was 2 eggs, grapefruit, and coffee. I brought a morning snack to get me through until I get home around 4:30 for dinner.  I also have some protein shake mix available if I find that I am hungry.  But just now, I purchased my first school lunch of the year: spaghetti, green beans, garlic bread, cucumber slices, banana, and chocolate milk.  I'm not sure why I did it.   Perhaps it was the aroma of garlic bread.  Or maybe I realized, after teaching all morning, how behind I am.  I'm behind in grading past assignments and I'm behind in planning the next assignment.  It was comfort food to be sure and not too bad as far as school lunch's go.

It's Monday, my alarm clock went off at 5:30, although I woke up at 5:10 and waited for it.  Aiden stretch in a downward dog pose I can only wish for and we went downstairs to start our morning routine.  I was glad to see that my dog easily slipped back into his home life.  He went from 10 days of nonstop people coming over to seven very quiet days at the lake.  He follows me everywhere, as usual, but I'm hoping some of his protecting instincts will simmer down as I do like to talk to my family and friends. Today is my first day back at work.  As usual, I'm having lunch in my classroom.  It's going pretty well. The students are great as they are so excited to be with their friends after Easter break.  Everyone wants to hug me.  It's a good thing I like hugs :0

Last week, after taking Haylee's cremains, in her beautiful turquoise lily pad urn, to the cemetery where they were placed behind glass to help us, the living, remember her,  I chose to head to an empty lake house for a week of nothing.  I say nothing because I didn't know what I was doing, or what I was expecting to happen while I was there.  I packed a bag, a cooler, an air mattress, and my dog Aiden. The weather was pretty good for spring, reaching 50-70 degrees and sunny most days. Several of my friends took time out of their lives to visit and enjoy the view.  I saw my daughter Justine, her husband Steve, and granddaughter Skylar almost every day.  (Soon, they will take up permanent residence in this vacant lake house.)  I would like to tell you that I found happiness here, but other than the photo above, I did not.  But I can tell you that I found another level of peace. I have peace because I know that Haylee is not suffering anymore. ...

These two beauties have been hanging around the dock keeping me company all week.  This morning, there are six of them.  I enjoy watching them float on the water, diving under for food, or I like to think - just to moon me.

Last night, my friend/sister-in-law Marcia and I went out to dinner at The Frog Tavern.  As we were sitting at the table, I thought I heard the name Haylee.  Of course, I immediately checked if my hearing was correct and asked what is your name.  The bartender/server said Haylee.  I said really?  How do you spell it?  She said Haylee.  I looked at Marcia and smiled and said "Did you here that? Her name is Haylee and she spells it the same way.  I'm where I'm supposed to be."  I then told the server, Haylee, about my Haylee.  It was nice.  I was smiling and at peace. Here at the lake, I've encountered ducks, geese, swans, and red winged black birds. Then, this morning, a cardinal was on the patio furniture on the deck, waiting for me to open the blinds and see it.  It was beautiful!  I am still smiling and at peace. A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visi...

It's not about stuff!  It's about healing.  AND guess what?  Healing is hard work.  It requires time, patience, strength, letting go, holding on, and love. Love for yourself and for everyone else who is healing or helping you heal.  A sixth grader at my school wrote me this note on the day Haylee died: Dear Ms. Brandt, I am very sorry for your loss.  But just think of it this way: God sent her to heal people and to help. Then, when her work was done, God needed her to heal more people...just somewhere else.  I will keep your family in my prayers.  But everyone should know in their hearts that Haylee's calling was to heal. Sincerely, Taylor Sometimes kids say the darndest things!