Just 40 Days

For the past 24 hours, I can think of nothing but missing my Haylee.  Unless you count missing my best friend ever, my sister Barb.  Or being reminded of my mother, who loved fall and was born on Halloween.  I am in such denial of my grief, I may just burst...and so I write. I drive to work everyday, behind a Ford Focus and think:  the Irony...my daughter was killed by a distracted driver in a Ford Focus. OR I think: the Irony...my sister was run over by a train that she was controlling by remote control. OR my Irish Mother had a 'bloody' stroke at the EXACT time the van she was in, was T-Boned by a distracted driver, as she was taking lilies to the church on Good Friday. I think ALL of things are so unthinkable!  Or nonsense...but they are REAL. I know that I must accept these things, even though I don't like them.  Sometimes Clarence, it's hard to see the things the way God sees them.

I've always been a fan of TV emergency rooms series:  Emergency, MASH, Dr. Quinn, ER, House, Grey's Anatomy, and look forward to the new Code Black.  When Haylee died, it changed me.  I love them more.  They are the last people who were with her when she died. Anyone who works in trama and/or emergency rooms are angels.  Thank you.

I have to admit...I've had ice-cream more than once today. My mother taught me that I have to 'test' the ice-cream, upon returning from the grocery store, to make sure that it is okay.    ---  It was. If you go to the zoo - you have to get ice-cream.   ---  I did My x-husband always had ice-cream for an evening snack.  --- I learned from the best. (I think that means I had ice-cream 3X today!!  Did you?)

I don't know how you were raised, but I couldn't do ANYTHING on Saturday until my chores were finished.  My mom was so mean, she even moved the couch to make sure we swept under it. I remember cleaning the bathrooms with Comet .  I had seven siblings and we all had different jobs every Saturday:  living room, family room, kitchen, bathrooms. I know that my faced looked just like the clip art I chose for this.  Which is also the face of my grand-daughter Carly.  (Only the vacuum looks different.) I want you to know that I did my laundry, made my bed and dusted all that I could today.  (I also watched 3 movies and caught up on 3 TV shows I missed during the week.) Just sayin'  I can multi-task!

Prodigal Son... Whatever you are, whatever you've did, it's a page in your book but it isn't the end... your Father will meet you... This song, this verse is replaying over and over in my head.  I have to share it.  Whether it's a story you remember or one you looked up on Wiepedia .  We are humans...spirits that live on earth.  We all have struggles and NONE are too big for God. In the places you're week, HE is very strong.  Don't ever believe that you don't deserve love! Pope Francis is in our country.  I wish I could meet him.  I've read all I can about him and what he believes and what He's been saying.  Thank you God for Pope Francis.  I needed a Pope like Him!

I think the last time I financed a car was 10 years ago.  It was a Lincoln Continental.  I bought it from my friend, Sandi Shinaberry.  I have a lot of good memories of that car and of Sandi. Today, I agreed to pay on a 2008 Jeep Compass for about 3 years.  I'm not too sure if I'm happy or sad that I have good credit.

It finally feels like things are settling down in most areas of my life...especially work...which seems to be stressing me of late.  We have our fall standardize testing nearly completed.  Parents are getting used to their new teachers and how they are grading their students.  The weather has been perfect and to top it off, it's week four of my teen class at the YMCA and for the first time in a very long time, all of the students who showed up the first day, continued to attend and finished the class in four weeks! Bravo to all!

I'm struggling with all of the people I see using their phones all of the time.  I mean, ALL of the time.  I constantly say things to my kids...who I KNOW text while driving.  They always respond, I only do it at red lights.  WTF?  is what I'm thinking. If you are texting at a red light, then you're waiting for a respond while your driving, which means that you are not focused on the RESPONSIBILITY you have to yourself and all drivers to keep that two ton vehicle on the road. I don't know what to do with these feelings. 

I am SOOOO lucky!  I know the city in which I live and I am not afraid to drive anywhere.  I grew up east of the river and my grandmother lived across town.  We would visit here every Sunday.  I had friends in high school who lived in the suburbs. I moved away from Toledo in 1978 to attend college and didn't move back until late 1989.  It was during those years that I was forced to learn where I was going in the cities that I lived.  I remember my siblings commenting on the fact that I drove for 20 minutes just to shop at a particular store. They didn't understand that in most of the cities I lived, everything was 20 minutes away. I thought it was 'normal' to do so.  When my four kids got older and started playing sports, their cyo events took me all over the diocese.  I taxied or followed them to their events from 1990-2006, all the way through college.  It's a good thing I like to drive and that I can remember where I live!

Yesterday afternoon, after nearly a day of rain, I decided to take a short trip to the lake - giving Derrick a 24 hour break from all his roommates; time for himself and his studies.  Usually, I don't go to the lake unless I get to stay a couple of days as itt is a two and a half hour car trip.  But the weather looked promising, so Carly, Aiden, and I packed a bag and took off. We arrived in time for dinner and since it was cold and windy there, we stayed inside and watched a movie together.  This morning, the weather did not disappoint.  It was sunny and reached the low 70's.  Carly was able to get a little kayaking in and I was able to get a short walk in the neighborhood with Aiden, and a short track workout at the middle school.  I was also able to visit with a childhood friend who was also at the lake.  Life was good today!

I had a nice visit with my dad tonight.  It was just what I needed after a pretty rough couple of weeks.  I am so lucky to have him.  I love you Dad!

Recap:  About 10 days ago I broke a tooth.  That was followed by a trip to the dentist and later in the week, three extractions.  Two days after that, I innocently bent over to put something away in a bottom cupboard and my lower back tightened up making it hard for me to stand straight or walk.  This morning, I awoke almost back to normal.  For that, I am grateful. What I'd like to know is this: Was it the ibuprofen regimen?  The twice daily - laying on my back flat on the floor? Meeting with my boss? Meeting with my attorney? Playing frisbee with my dog? Sharing dinner with friends? Or the beautiful weather this week? Maybe I just feel better because it's Friday and the last day of our school wide standardize testing.  It could be from all the prayers and concerns of my friends.  Or just maybe, I turned it over to God, and let him take care of me.

Shakespeare wrote: To Thine Ownself Be True - which to me means: I should stick to my principles, not assimilate, and that I should do what I believe.  My health and well being depend on it!

Have you ever felt that if you had just one more thing to do, it would be the 'straw that broke the camel's back' or 'the last straw'?  And just where does that phrase come from?  I checked in with Wikipedia to find out:  "The idiom the straw that broke the camel's back , alluding to the proverb "it is the last straw that breaks the camel's back", describes the seemingly minor or routine action which causes an unpredictably large and sudden reaction, because of the cumulative effect of small actions. This gives rise to the phrase "the last straw" or "the final straw", meaning the last in a line of unacceptable occurrences, provoking a seemingly sudden strong reaction. " This year has been extra stressful for me in so many ways:  personal loss, finances, family issues, legal issues, health issues, school issues and ending the long list with daily dealings with technology that my job entails and an unexpected...

The first thing I said to my dentist this morning was: there's a reason I've waited this long to have this work done...and it isn't all about the money, although that's part of it.   I needed to have three teeth pulled in preparation for a six tooth bridge from canine to canine.   I was more nervous than I thought.  I chose to have a little Nitrous Oxide to help me relax while they numbed my bottom jaw.  The gas was helpful, I didn't feel any of the numbing injections and soon my lip felt fatter than my calf.  My tongue wasn't doing half bad either.  They stopped the gas and gave me oxygen.  Why do dentists always try to talk to you when your mouth is numb? First they took a couple of molds of my teeth before they prepped my canine teeth to be the anchors of my new bridge.  That took awhile...filing down perfectly good teeth... my dentist was sitting during this part.  Next up the three extractions.  My dentist stood up for this...

When I was 18 years old, I was in a car accident that nearly broke off all of my bottom teeth as my head hit the dashboard.  I was wearing my retainer at the time and that prevent them from falling out.  They wired my teeth to my jaw and told me I would probably need root canals. When I was 36 years old, one of the injured teeth, died due to the trama 18 years before.  I've had a temporary tooth for the past 18 years.  Last night, as I bit into some of my favorite chocolate (Hershey's), one of my bottom teeth became loose. It didn't really hurt, but my tongue can't leave it alone.   My dentist told me about five years ago that this was going to happen.  I'll be call Dr. Sexton tomorrow morning to tell him he was right.

Yesterday I was so excited about getting a full night sleep but today is a different story. The beginning of the school year is very busy time for me as the director of technology - meeting everyone's tech needs, and as a teacher of 450 students.  I also work at the YMCA and this week is the start of the fall session.  So, needless to say, I'm adjusting to the stress level of my work.  Add in the heat and humidity of the day and I guess you have the perfect formula for a sleepless night! I will go for a walk tonight with my dog Aiden.  I know that it helps reduce both of our stress levels.  I will turn in around nine and do a little reading.  Maybe I'll have a glass of milk too!

I can't remember the last time I did it but I slept through the night last night!  No 3 a.m. potty break.  Hardly any tossing or turning.  I just had a plain old great night of sleep!  Yeah for me! I can't wait to see what great things lie ahead of me this day.  With eight hours of sleep under my belt, I should not struggle with finding words.  I should have no problem thinking clearly.  And most of all, I hope to have a repeat performance tonight!

Had my mother not passed away eight years ago, my parents would have been married 60 years today!  Wow!  I remember their 50th wedding anniversary.  They were so happy.  That's one of the last memories I have of my mom as shortly after that, she started having brain seizures and never really was the mom I knew.