Self-Confidence

The dictionary defines self-confidence as a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgment. I can tell you this about myself:  I am totally lacking in confidence.

First of all, I am stating this disclaimer:  if I tell a story that you feel you are a part of - please do not worry as I am growing through my discomfort and not pointing a finger at you personally.  This is about me:  my self-confidence.

I think my downfall started about 2 weeks ago when I fell off the SUP and into the lake.  Anyone witnessing this would never think twice about it.  But my pride was hurt. (pride: a deadly sin)

The following week went on without incident: it neither improved or degraded confidence in myself: a net zero for me.  Monday came along with minimal disturbance aside from the fact that Columbia Gas is tearing up my front yard and more construction was added to my work route on the Anthony Wayne trail.  [This means that I see orange cones coming out of my driveway, onto route 75 south and then onto Route 24.  Oh yeah, our parish festival is this week so they began setting up tents.)  Then I subbed softball, playing first base and caught ONE of a dozen 'terrible' throws.  I also went 0 for 3 at bat.

Tuesday, the networked failed after an electrical upgrade at work.  I left that day with a few band-aids on the problems.  I continued to the YMCA for a class I teach and attended a family reunion meeting. Afterwards I  came home to my son who was disappointed about something and I mentioned the word 'suffering' to which he has yet to recover.  Through all of the things, I felt displaced but thought that I survived.

Wednesday started off pretty well, I got the network issues resolved at work and thought I had a lunch date with my sisters for Thursday and got by hair cut and colored.  (Things were improving!) But, on my way home from the salon, our maintenance man called with an issue at work.  UGH

So, I started off this morning, knowing that I couldn't make it to a 12:30 lunch and tried to reschedule for 1:00 with my sisters.  I had a 10:30 appointment with three teachers, a fingerprint, any festival related issues PLUS the work I had planned to do today.

All that I know is this:  I flipped the bird at my computer at 7:30.  I was crying before 10 am.  I cried again before noon.  I didn't go to lunch with my sisters.  I didn't leave work until 2.  I almost got a speeding ticket for going a whopping 63 in a 55 on a country road. (Whatever happened to 9 is fine and 10 you're mine?)  Thank God, he only gave me a warning.

Then when I get to the lake and start putting my granddaughter to bed, OUR routine is interrupted ... so she cries!  So I cry...and then I put her in bed, grab a beer, sit on the deck overlooking the lake, and write this blog.  I have purged my self-confidence issues and am RESTARTing!

Life is better at the lake!