Just 40 Days

For a Catholic School teacher, Holy Thursday is the last day of school before a long needed break. There usually isn't an all school Mass as the Mass of the Last Supper will be held in the evening.  It is during this Mass where the priest washes the feet of twelve parishioners, demonstrating service to the community. Personally, I think this would be a great theme for an all school Mass.

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. It's the days when I feel like doing nothing...and those days seem to be happening more and more often. I work at the YMCA.  Part of the reason I've kept this part time job is because it makes me go to the YMCA!  While at the YMCA, I can workout. As a perk, I get a free membership which means I can workout whenever I want.  The problem is, I don't seem to want to workout anymore. So how can I motivate myself?

When Haylee died nearly four years ago, I named my grief Clarence.  My mother taught me to do that so I could call my grief out by name and let it visit when it needs to.  Today, as I was driving home from work, Clarence decided to visit. I thought I knew what the triggers were to my grief: black Ford Focus, white Pontiac Vibe, Shar-pei's and other things that remind me of Haylee or how she died.  (I can't allow people Today, Clarence just decided to show up.  So I let the tears flow as I drove down the Anthony Wayne trail.  Fortunately today's tears were not of the wailing type.  The sobbing grief that was so often in the beginning have subsided. Grief is a mysterious thing.  It's different for whom I grieve.  I miss my sister Barb, who has been gone for 20 years.  I wish I could talk to my mom sometimes and she will be gone ten years this summer.  But the loss of Haylee, my child has left such a hole in my heart.  I sometim...

Sometimes, I just want to be all by myself.

Growing up in the 1960's, we had one telephone in our house.  In fact, we only had one car and one television.  We did have four bedrooms though, to house a family of ten. As the third child, I was fortunate to learn from my older brother and sister.  They were the pioneers. When the phone rang in our house, we were taught to answer it like this:  Herman's residence, Mary speaking.  We learned at an early age, how to be polite on the telephone.  We also learned a big word like 'residence'.  I wonder how many tweens know what a residence is? There was only one phone, so we had a schedule.  We were only allowed a certain number of minutes on the phone. We learned time management. We learned bargaining and compromise.  Heck, we memorized all of our friends phone numbers!  Nowadays, I can remember those 'old' numbers, but hardly any of my friends or family's 'new' cell phone numbers.  Why should I, when I have a smart phone?...

As I make my way to visit family in Indiana, I always look forward to the air turbines as I approach the state line on Route 24.  Today did not disappoint.  I am amazed by the size of these machines. Today though, the wind was still.  Not a blade was moving. This was the first time in four years of travel that I remember this happening.  It looked like every turbine stopped at the same time, in the same place of rotation.  It was a beautiful sight. It made me think about how large our world is and how powerful the air can be.  Even in it's stillness, power is evident.  It's times like this when I remember how small the events in my life are compared to the world.  I'm reminded that I'm just a small piece of the puzzle of an ever changing place. I feel at peace.

A method that worked. Gone are the days when a person was humiliated for not following the rules. When a person is humiliated for something, they tend NOT to ever do that again.  It's actually an easier way to learn than learning the hard way; when there is a more permanent consequence of said behavior. Civilizations are created by people who make and follow rules or procedures that benefit the group.  When you are compliant, you are inclined to agree with others and obey the rules of the group. When you are NOT compliant, complete disorder and confusion, aka chaos will be caused in the group. Come on people, don't you want to do the right thing? This chaos I fear, is what my dear country, the United States of America, is turning into. It seems that we have no order. We no longer follow the rules or protocols. We have forgotten that procedures help keep people safe. They are tested and true. I used to love to drive.  Drivers followed the rules of the highway, or ...

My sister Barb, was killed in a work accident twenty years ago. She was the definition of fun in my life.

Dear Haylee, It's been a long day. It's one of those days where I can't believe that you're not here.  It feels surreal. You never know when grief will step up it's game.  On the way to work, the triggers were there - I was behind a black Ford Focus, then it turned and a silver one took it's place.  While at work, I couldn't get you off my mind.  I wanted to call or send a text.  On my way home from work, I must have seen three white Pontiac Vibes like the one you had.  I miss you. Love,  Mom

It's been sixteen months since I had the second surgery on my left foot.