Change

As I was driving home from the lake yesterday, I found myself lonely.  In my loneliness, I was thinking about my children, wondering if they knew that I loved them.  I wondered if they knew that I support them in the trials of their lives.  I wondered if they knew that even though I don't always agree with them, that I still love them. Even though I know how hard life can be, I cannot always help them through it.  I can only pray for them.

I thought about Lent and change.  Have I changed? How had I changed from 40 days before.  It was hard for me to think as all I was feeling was sadness. I was missing the family gatherings of Easter from my childhood and from their childhood. I was missing dressing up in Easter clothes. I was so aware of how things have changed and it made me sad.

Then I remembered making the conscious decision to go to Mass on Easter Sunday.  I had not been to there for three years, since Haylee died. I had to make a change. It didn't matter if I was alone, I had to make the change for me. I had to make myself go. So as I sat in the pew of the small Catholic church at the lake, looking at all of the people, and I knew that I was not alone. The church was filled will all sorts of people, some dressed up and some dressed down, but still the church was filled. It was filled with kind people. I could tell that some were genuinely happy to be there while others may have been like me, forced to go for one reason or another. I wish I could've sang more, but my allergies prevented me so I sang the best I could and hummed along with my memory.

I remember people saying 'Happy Easter' and smiling. I was glad that I went. I remembered that I like Mass. I remembered that sometimes you have to die to really live.