Just 40 Days

If only I could just snap my fingers and get out of this poor me mood. I've been in it for several weeks and it's beginning to  seem like months. I have been in this position before:  'Woe is me!'   This type of depression is not always willing to leave a person.  Or perhaps, some people are not always willing to let it go. I know that looking at the bright side, seeing the good, and expressing gratitude are tools that work for me.  I just have to make up my mind to choose MORE of those things than I am doing now, leaving little room for the poor me's. Awareness is the first step.  Now to take action!

This past week certainly has been a challenge for me.  As I try to recover for foot surgery, laying around doing pretty much nothing except propping my foot up, I have nothing but time to think about Haylee.  I can't believe that it has been two years since you went to heaven.  I long to hear your voice.  I am sad that I do not have any saved voicemails.

Last night I dreamed I was on a bus filled with all kinds of people from my past.  Most of the people were friends of my children.  The dream seemed to have something to do with school, testing, the lake, and someone chasing us. The bus was traveling very fast down a street that looked like we were in San Francisco and when it reached the bottom,  the street met the water, the bus failed to turn and landed in the ocean. The waves were huge.  The bus was slowing filling with water and we were sinking.  I was sitting behind the driver and made a mad dash to escape by pushing the door open when the driver calmly said, I wouldn't do that if I were you.  You will only make things worse.  I looked at him confused and said but we are all going to drown.  Don't you want us to live? Of course he said yes, but that we had to wait for the bus to be completely submerged and then the doors would open easily and all will be safe.  He was so sure of...

I admit it - I'm not as strong, nor healthy as I once thought.  After doing nothing for four weeks, I feel myself getting out of shape.  I need to do some cardio! Today it took me nearly 15 minutes to get myself up and go downstairs to make breakfast.  Each day, it seems to take me just a little longer.  I'm so used to getting faster at doing the things I do daily not the other way around.  UGH!!! ... think positive, think positive...I will be pain free, I will be pain free, I will workout again.

Hayden Michelle Today I was blessed with another grandchild.  My daughter Justine gave birth to a second daughter.  My sister and I drove over an hour to meet 'Gracie' (the name they called the fetus) at the hospital.  We arrived 20 minutes after the birth and were able to go right in. There we learned the baby's name:  Hayden Michelle.  Steve and Justine chose to name their child after Justine's sister Haylee.  They did not share the name they had picked out with me until today.  I knew they had talked about it, but didn't know what they had decided.

I tried to be optimistic when I went to the doctors to remove my sutures and evaluate my healing process.  The wound looked good, and I able to use a removable boot so that I can shower.  I wanted to hear the words weight bearing...but did not.  Fortunately, Derrick had brought me to reality a few days back by stating "Mom, you're not going to walk this soon."  Although I did not want to believe him, a seed was planted. I further investigated how long it takes for a tendon to heal ... 8 weeks and up to 12 months for full function!  I'm still trying to be optimistic...a difficult task as I'm in more pain today than I've been in 10 days.  My ankle has swollen some since they removed the sutures.  I try to remind myself that it took a long time (55 years) to injure my tendon, what's a couple of months to repair it? Again I am learning empathy for those in pain.  I have a different understanding of independence.  I am grateful for my nine y...

As I ponder the day, March 17th, I'm reminded of the 'cousins' party my mom would throw.  I think she had three or four of them during the '80s.  She invited her sister Kate and her ten children to join her eight children for a night of family fun, food, and fellowship.  I remember playing a game of "Family Feud" where my mom read questions about our family and contestants needed to 'buzz' in by using a 'kazoo'.   Have you ever tried to play a kazoo while laughing?  It's not easy!  My mom was genius!