Just 40 Days

It's been a long long time since I have written anything.  I've got all the excuses. The excuses that create more stress. The stress that causes me to eat and drink more.  And the weight that eating more than I need adds to my body. Well, I'm carrying all the weight - for real!  I'm over 200 pounds again when I was under 195 at the beginning of October. My flat feet cannot carry that kind of weight without complaining.  The question is: Do I hear their complaints?  If so, what am I going to do about it? Take care of your body --- you only get one.

This morning, the odometer in my car said 1000.  I've had it 15 days.

Today was the first family wedding without my dad.

1974 I miss the people missing from my family...my sister Barb, my mom, my daughter Haylee, and most recently, my dad. I saw my parent's email address in my contact today.  It began with eightwasenough.  Seeing it, tugged at my heart.  The thought of not receiving emails from my dad anymore hit hard and fast.  I still keep their addresses and phone numbers in my contacts - somehow it keeps me connected to them. It's funny how grief works.  One minute, all is well and the next tears are flowing.

Anytime I hear a parent talking on what it feels like to lose a child they say the same thing: There's a hole in my heart that cannot be filled.  I sometimes wonder if it's a choice NOT to fill it.  It's been over four years since Haylee left the earth and I still have a hole.  It's different than the other injuries or scars on my heart left from loss. I think the hole from my divorce took a while to become a scar.  I think that kind of loss is a choice as to fill it or not. Perhaps it is healed when it's accepted.  Injuries to the heart from sudden loss of life are a bit different.  They are as different as the relationship you had with the person who died.  I'm inclined to think that all loss of life leaves a hole in your heart.  Some are just bigger than others.

I usually do well with keeping fear at bay, but lately, I've been waking up in the middle of night worrying about things.  It's not always the same things, like family, finances, or work related.  Sometimes it's my health and/or things in the world that completely out of my control.