Just 40 Days

It's been a while since I had a good cry, missing Haylee.  I'm finding it hard to believe that she's really not here on earth. It seems like I just saw her yesterday.  I ended up running a slide show on my computer with all her photos in it.  It was a good cry.

I read a great article in the 'May We Help You?" section of my September O Magazine by  Martha Beck .   She used a metaphor of a vending machine as life where virtue was money and happiness was the product.   So if we are always doing the right thing, or being virtuous, then why aren't we happy?  The article suggests it's because we are using the wrong kind of money, erroneously valuing/defining virtue. My favorite dictionary, Merriman Webster,  defines virtue as:  conformity to a standard of right or  a particular moral excellence.   I believe that doing the right thing should ALWAYS be in the forefront of our minds.  The big question is whose standard of right?   If I do what is politically correct or what what my religion wants, or what my parents say then I should be happy - right?  But if those standards weigh heavily on my own instincts of what is right or wrong then I will not be happy.  I will b...

I think it was Ben Franklin who said:  Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. That is a thought I've always agreed with...at least the healthy part.  I can say that I'm pretty healthy. I don't take any medication aside from the occasional ibuprofen.  But as a single mother of four, with a single income from a Catholic school, I'm certainly not wealthy unless wealth is measured in all things but dollars.  As for the wisdom part, I'd like to think I grow in wisdom each day. When I woke up a little after four this morning, instead of my usual 5:30 work day schedule, I decided to just get to my day.  I started thinking about what I was going to write about and wrote the title to this post.  Now my intention was to call it:  Early to Rise.   But as you see, I made an error.  I went to fix the error and decided I liked this title better: Early to Wise. I believe all of the events in our lives are opportu...

Ever since I found out that Haylee was killed by a distracted driver, a driver who was texting, my heart has been restless. Previously, I thought I held a peaceful acceptance of a terrible accident that took my daughter's life.  Now my brain is spinning constantly...what to do, what to do?  As I drive to and from work, I see more than half (if not all) of the other drivers with their heads down, looking at their phone!  It makes me want to SCREAM:  My daughter was killed by a driver like you! There are so many campaigns out there - trying to educate drivers.  I want to join one.  I want to make a difference. I don't want anyone to lose someone they love to a distracted driver.

With five days of school under my belt, I'm realizing how out of 'school shape' I am.  My voice hurts from talking more.  My feet hurt from standing on a concrete floor all day.  My pedometer is happy as I easily get nearly half of my goal while at work.  Gone are the days of summer when I can sleep in past 6 a.m.  My patience is still...um, let's say its okay.  I really try to give the students time to do the right thing. I really try to hear their excuses.  I really try to see things their way.   Big Sigh....

Thanksgiving 2008 I was having trouble falling asleep last night...missing Haylee.  When I finally did, I had a strange dream about a cottage, with blow-up rafts in the rafters.  And now as I sit here in the kitchen, drinking my coffee, looking at the photos on the wall of my kids, I'm feeling emotional.  Most days, I can't believe that I raised four kids.  I remember when they were little, when we first moved back to Toledo in August of 1988.  Derrick started 2nd grade and Haylee was in kindergarten.  Sending them to St. Thomas Aquinas was one of the best decisions I made.  I remember them playing soccer and running cross-country.  Here it is, 27 years later.  I have grandchildren and a dog.  Haylee is gone to heaven and I'm feeling anxious.  Maybe that's the coffee or maybe I'm just wondering what the future holds for my family.  I know we will be all right as God has a plan for us.  So I will leave it to Him and...

Just saying...