Just 40 Days

I was at the dentist today, getting a new filling for an old filling that had fallen out.  The filling was pretty big, it had fallen out the side of a molar, so I had to be 'numbed' with Novocane (procane).  My dentist, Dr. Joseph Sexton , was making sure that I didn't feel anything and somehow we started talking about the opioid addiction epidemic.  I mentioned how I had recently watched the HBO Documentary:  Warning; This Drug May Kill You I told him one of the stories, about a 14 year old girl who had suffered from kidney stones and was given percocet and then oxycontin. Throughout high school, her younger sister and her started using those drugs to feel good.  Eventually they moved on to heroin and the sister died of an overdose.  The story follows the girl, who is now a mother herself, as she fights her addiction, vowing not to put her mother through another death.  It is a very sad, but true, eye opening documentary. Dr. Joe stated that he ...

Sometimes I need a good cry. Sometimes I don't need much help getting there.  Recently I felt unwanted and unloved.  It's awful to feel like you don't matter. But sometimes that happens to me. So when I think or feel unloved, I can dwell on it. I have learned to give myself a little time to do that.  And then it's time to stop.  Look up, find something positive or go help someone else. Helping others is by far, the best way to get out of the poor me's.  So go out and help someone today!

I have been single for most of my life. I am independent.  I am self-sufficient. I am optimistic and spontaneous.

It's hard to see my children struggle or suffer.

I've been finding it hard to keep my 'light' on.  I've always considered myself an optimist and am pretty good at seeing the good in all things, but lately, it's growing darker.  I'm not real sure why this happens: too much change, not enough support, feeling like nothing is going right, or being around unhappy people, but depression does happen making it hard to see the good. My work space does not have any windows.  I remember feeling down about six years into the last job I had, where there were no windows.  This is the end of my fifth year here.  Maybe SAAD is partially to blame. But mostly I think it is the state of our culture. I am constantly being bombarded with complaints about politics, roads, technology, people.  It seems that many people cannot see the good anywhere.

All of my life, I have been independent.  My mother would tell me this was both a blessing and a curse. She said I had to be careful as not many people will understand my position. I remember her walking me to school, on a 'teacher work day' because I insisted that I had school.  I think my mother confused independence with stubborness!

Sometimes I wonder if my children know that I love them.  Isn't that weird?  It's possible that perhaps it is I that don't know if they love me. When I state my views or do not agree with them.